When to simply ignore the problem

This cannot always be easy and yet it can be a troublesome area for parents who struggle to let go of issues or behaviours that are poor. We all have our buttons that can be pushed easily. We need to know our measures and what triggers our reaction to different situations. Sometimes, simply tiredness and fatigue can shorten our tolerance level. Also, there are some situations that make parents more reactive or anxious when a child behaves inappropriately. This article is to invite reflection on the whole area of when it is better to simply ignore certain behaviours. Why you ask, when the behaviour is inappropriate? Well, consider:

• The stronger reactions we have to our child’s behaviour, the more they grow to expect that response. Therefore, are we sometimes feeding the problem as they will repeat the pattern with no change.

• Is the unacceptable behaviour on a scale of one to ten that important to correct? Sometimes it is best to simply accept that their childish ways can be live around.

• Reflect on why you want the behaviour corrected or changed. Are the reasons valid or are you reacting to what others may think etc?

• The more you have a day labelled with corrections and chastisement, the more debilitating it becomes for all. Keep in mind that in this case, the effectiveness of your reactions is very low. This of course makes us further frustrated. Do you know the point where it’s best to stop reacting?

• Be selective. If you notice some behaviour that is unacceptable, choose the best time to talk to your child and deal with the matter. Often quick responses in busy settings like shopping centres are ineffective. You want your child listening and available in conversation to get the best results.

• If your child is having an off day or simply not well, be sensitive to dealing with the problems. Try to be proactive and provide a climate that gives you and the child a softer landing.

• When is a problem really a problem? Keep this in mind when you see behaviour in which you have an immediate reaction. Sometimes the problem can resolve itself without your intervention. Keep this in mind.

• Try to not react straightway, because after a small reflection you may see the situation differently or with less intensity. This makes for a softer resolution for all. Timing is everything.

• Keep in mind that they are childhood behaviours, sometimes driven with intent, sometimes carelessly done and sometimes without thinking. Try to ascertain the intent and this may help you to see that the problem is actually less important to manage.

Your journey as a parent on many levels seems very long, but upon later reflection, you will wonder where the years went. The overall impression for the child as an adult is that you were fair and loving, a great listener, negotiator and a sympathetic parent. Best to work on developing that impression than one of being focussed on suppressing behaviour.  

‘Sometimes the best reaction is no reaction at all.’

                                                        -PinArt

The proactive approach for our children is the right way to go

Best to always avoid tricky situations than to dive into them unprepared. The consequences can be long, overcomplicated and perhaps could have been avoided with some proactive actions. As busy parents, who wants to deal with extra problems and find themselves in more complicated situations than is necessary? Being proactive requires some thought to foresee what is likely to happen and where possible go around the problem or divert the situation.  When you know your child and how they respond to certain situations you are in the best position to be proactive.

Being proactive also has many benefits in building stronger, healthier relationships with your child.

• By avoiding the little problems, you are less likely to have to deal with issues escalating to a new level. One problem can easily triple in a short time.

• Better parenting is all about planning well and recognising the signs that can change a happy situation into a disaster in a flash.

• It is healthier to be in a positive state with your child than to be regularly dealing with behavioural issues that can require discipline etc. In the first instance, they could have been avoided.

• To be proactive, a parent looks for the best way to deal with some issue before it actually happens. This requires knowing your child and choosing occasions and times that work best for you. It may mean redirecting plans, reducing hostile conversations, noticing less trouble and generally looking for the positive in situations.

• Be alert. Tired parents and children are not a good combination for avoiding conflict.

• Put some family strategies in place that are proactive. For example, if your child is always running to find their bag for school, get them to put it near the door the night before. It is all about seeing a potential occasion where it can escalate making everyone unhappy.

• Affirming your child is also a very proactive activity. The more they feel valued in doing the right thing, the greater possibility out will be repeated.

• Be clear in your directions and make sure that your child heard your instructions before reacting. Sometimes busy times with poor listening can quickly escalate into problems when real listening has not occurred.

• Look at the setup of your home. Are there places around the house that encourage sound relationships or are there obstacles that can cause tension such as computers in family spaces? For example, are bikes, toys etc. put in safe places that are accessible but not interfering with movement? Take a walk around the house, are there places and spaces that can be improved where a child will not break precious items, etc. The environment in the house should suit the age of your family.

• Speak optimistically. This always suggests that there is no threat in your voice and that you are in no way upset. A child listens to their parents’ voices to get a measure of how they are valued. They are more likely to respond well and less reactive if feeling reassured.

Above all recognise that being a proactive person reduces tension, avoids unnecessary confrontation, builds stronger relationships and models to a child that working in a positive framework is a much more powerful and effective way of living happily and peacefully.

‘Being positive won’t guarantee you’ll succeed.

But being negative will guarantee you won’t.

                                                       -Jon Gordon

If you wish to change behaviour, be prepared to change yourself

We get very weary when we see the same unpleasant behaviour repeated in our children. It can be exasperating and our reaction can sometimes lead to further disapproving behaviour. So, the cycle goes on which further adds to frustration. When that happens, we need to put other strategies in place. Those strategies are all about getting the child to hear that such behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change. However, the change is for the right reasons and this is where your change comes into play as the parent.

 Consider the following thoughts.

• Can we really expect our child to change the behaviour if they don’t see that anything is wrong? Often when we correct them, they simply do not see that their behaviour is unacceptable. We sometimes mistake this as they are just not listening.

• A child is more likely to change their behaviour if they understand that their actions have implications on you. After all it is you, the parent who is upset.

• When a child sees that they are causing you some upset by their behaviour, they are more inclined to change it not because it is wrong but because it affects you.

‘I need to get to the car quickly to pick up your brother. The toys in the hallway are blocking me.’

Here you are inviting them to remove the toys not because the child is wrong but the presence in the hallway limits your access to the door.

‘I need your help in the kitchen as I have only a small time to read bed stories to your younger brother.’

 Here it is about getting assistance to take the pressure of the bedtime stories.

The change for you, the parent is to remember to give the reasons why you need the behaviour to change. When you do this, the child feels more aware of your needs and sees their behaviour as interfering with your needs. Generally, they will be more sympathetic in changing their behaviour.

‘When you speak in a soft voice, my headache feels a little better.’

Children often do not register that their actions are considered poorly until it is pointed out how their actions interfere with another’s life.

Many teachers have mastered the art of working closely with children and reducing conflict in the classroom by building in sound explanations for actions taken.

‘Thanks for closing the door. The noise outside is a distraction.’

There are two main thoughts here in this article, Firstly, if you want to change behaviour you will need to think about the reason you want that behaviour changed. Secondly, you will need to build this reason into your request.

‘Please pick up your toys in the loungeroom. I don’t want to trip on them.’ 

Building into your words the reasons for changing behaviour gives the child an honest understanding of what is causing the problem for you. For them it may not be a problem at all.

‘Focus on the solution and not on the problem.’

-Jim Rohn