Can we control everything?
This article discusses controlling a little less and supporting a little more of your child’s sense of personal freedom.
At this stage of the year, there are plans to be made and decisions settled on for the year, especially regarding school. The question I pose is, is it necessary to be in control of everything?
There is always a small control freak in all of us. If not fragrantly displayed, it’s hidden somewhere in the deep recesses of our mind which, on occasion, makes its appearance. The more we know and the more we control, the safer we often feel.
Your children are taking on a new leaf at school this year. They are going up a notch and teachers will expect them to take on more responsibility. Perhaps this is a time to let loose a little and not be so preoccupied with everything that happens around your child. They may start telling you a little less about their day. That’s OK!
Here are some sound reasons for controlling a little less and supporting a little more of your child’s sense of personal freedom:
You certainly control your opinions but not always the external events that happen around your child. They are independent of you.
Developing an honest understanding of what is really within our control makes for realistic thinking and reduces worry.
The challenges put ahead of your child at school are their challenges and should, to a large degree, be managed by them. Of course, when issues are out of control, parental support may be necessary.
The more we let them develop independent thought and self-manage their plans the more they slowly and steadily grow stronger. The cocoon is dying and the butterfly will arise with strength and beauty after its struggle to come through that dark cocoon.
The research is clear. If a child takes ownership of their own life, they learn faster and develop independent thinking earlier and display more creative thought. They become less vulnerable to risk, are more resilient and feel happier in themselves. This builds healthy mental habits.
If we take too much control, a child will no longer own the problem and pass it over to you. It becomes your problem. Time and time again I have seen this at school when a parent wants to solve their child’s problems.
When you listen to your child talking about an issue, listen with interest and sincerity, but first, see it as their problem where you have some clear expectation that they will try to solve it. ‘I am sad to hear that Mark was mean to you at school. I am wondering how you will deal with that?’
With each new year at school comes differing challenges. Reflect on how your child is choosing to manage them and quietly step back where possible.
Think about your role as a parent. Do you have all the answers to your child’s needs? It is another generation with shifting expectations. You are there to listen and support, perhaps consult, but it is their world to own. It is their world to solve. Slightly different in expectations from yours.
School holidays are over, but that does not mean that we take some of that relaxed summer feel into our new year plan. No need to suddenly over control or feel that without good management, everything will fall apart. The chaos theory is all about the fact that out of disorder comes order. So the challenge is to let loose a little more. Can the children pack their own lunches, be responsible for school notes etc? Try to find new areas in which it is all about your child taking a little more control over themselves.
From my observations at school, I always found that when parents reduced their worry and felt less accountable for their children, they relaxed and often enjoyed the experiences of their children more fully. They enjoyed the little things and would often find pleasure in just the ordinary experiences of the day. It was like a cloud was lifted. Let loose a little and see the joy in the simple day-to-day experiences with your child.
‘I learnt that when you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing.’
-QuotesGram
The value of teaching about choice
Our children should learn that making choices is a very powerful tool in making sound informed decisions in life. Of course, we can make choices that do not give the outcome we expect and can of course lead to failure. However, making such a choice is also a valuable learnt experience.
Making choices begins to define our character. It aligns us in certain directions and it can be a turning point on many directions. Our children make choices all the time. The key point here is to teach them that making choices is a powerful statement to others of who they are and what they value. We also learn to own our choices and to understand that what we choose should be seen proactively.
Here are some thoughts on helping children understand that choices influence and direct their world:
Talk about some choices you may have made over the years. Some were very successful and perhaps others required a rethink and reset.
Teach your child that making a choice is a privilege. We can make decisions but they will be owned and lived through by yourself.
When discussing optional matters that can be chosen remind them that the choice they make should be one from which they grow and learn. It should be a proactive and mature choice that leads to a healthy outcome. They must own the outcome and not regret it but move forward no matter what. There is no blame when you choose to make a choice.
Classrooms have many occasions when children make choices. This is especially the case when working on projects. Teachers encourage them to think through their choice such that they will gain the knowledge and learning they want from the exercise. Here teachers are encouraging them to think through the choices they make.
Parents should plan to set up a working relationship with their children which does give them many occasions to make choices. The more you can encourage this, the quicker they develop independent thinking and begin to be selective in their planning. As a parent delaying their ability to make choices delays their interest in self-management. We want our children to have the confidence to make choices fully aware of their actions and aware that they own the outcome.
Slow and steady support in this area will give our children the confidence to be independent thinkers, enlightened and well-rounded individuals.
‘The fact is that kids learn to make good decisions, by making decisions, not by following directions.’
-Alfie Kohn
“The fact is that kids learn to make good decisions, by making decisions, not by following directions.”