Do you find yourself reacting quickly to unsettling situations? Perhaps you are quick of temper, but settle your upset emotions quickly. Perhaps you are a person that is aroused with anger very quickly and take a long time to settle. There are many ways we respond to situations that upset us. It is also true that sometimes particular situations drive us to anger more quickly as it touches a nerve. Do you know those targets in yourself? Are you a parent that sees a situation and feels that dealing with it immediately is the best response?

This article suggests that we should look at our reaction time to situations and work to slow down our anger when a situation presents itself with our children. This in no way takes away the intensity of the problem nor your unsettled feelings. What it does do is give you time to reflect on what has happened and make a response that is suitable for the occasion.

The Primary Years helping you to postpone your anger.

Slowing down your reactive response also gives the child a chance to process what has happened and reflect on their own situation with regard to the behaviour etc. Also, by reacting quickly, your child becomes quite anxious and your heightened anger can be disproportionate for the situation. Of course, you may come back from that situation apologising. However, this article is all about the advantages in slowing down reaction time, in fact postponing your reaction.

The advantages in this are plentiful.

Firstly, you slow down the feeling of anger. Just a short gap between the incident and response can be significant in responding badly.

By postponing your reaction, you actually begin to process the problem with more clarity and are less likely to say inappropriate reactive statements that later need apologies.

You also demonstrate to your child that overreaction serves little purpose and with some delay you can calmly ask questions and get clarity about what has happened.

In working with children, I was very conscious to slow down my response to behavioural situations. It showed the child that a problem can be dealt with calmly and can be seen from both sides. Healthier conversations occur when you postpone the angry feelings.

There is nothing wrong in stating your feelings effectively.

“When you broke that vase, I was angry as it belonged to my mother.”

Letting the child know that you had angry feelings is acceptable, but if you put it in the context of what upset you, the child accepts that you had a right to feel angry.

When you postpone hostile feelings, you will notice that your language is less harmful and you actually hear yourself talking more responsibly about the situation. It gives you more chance to solve the problem and have less damage between yourself and your child.

Consider the following strategies to help you postpone those reactionary feelings.

Take a deep breath. Say nothing for a moment or two.
Walk away for a minute.
Simply say, “Let’s talk about this later.”
Perhaps use a delay statement:

“Hmm. I’m upset and can’t talk about it now.”

Count to ten and focus on counting and not on the incident.

By postponing highly negative feelings even for a short time you put yourself in an emotionally safe zone with your child. You also teach them about the value of self-control and maintaining a mature stance when upset.

Everyone is entitled to be upset. That is a natural reaction to a problem that is distressing. The art is to know how to respond to anger around your child particularly.

Also, by dealing with the matter later when you are less reactive you can get clarity over the matter and develop some sympathy with regard to what happened when you hear the child’s side of the story.

Finally, children avoid reactive people and seek solace from listeners. Be that parent that can express their disappointment but contain themselves effectively when feeling the disappointment.

“Courage is knowing what not to fear.”

— Plato