No one likes to feel that they have been lied to. There is something quite sinister and uncomfortable when we hear that someone has lied to you. Certainly, trust is out the door immediately!

I want to talk about lying with children. Sometimes the word lying is not really appropriate. The younger the child, the greater the likelihood that what we think was a lie was in fact fantasy. Something made up to suit an answer that seemed to align with the question. Also, consider that younger children have no malice nor are they at all interested in being out of a relationship with you. Therefore, they will be mostly honest to the bone. A very young child sometimes chooses fantasy to solve their problems and care should be taken not to be too reactive when they fantasize why something happened.

However, there are occasions when a child feels caught in a difficult situation and does not have the where with all to escape the problem. Perhaps they are unduly fearful of the consequences in which case they will concoct a story to suit the tricky scenario in which they find themselves. The important point here is that we teach our children to feel comfortable in telling the truth and not unduly anxious that they will receive serious consequences. A child has difficulty sometimes in measuring what is serious and not serious. Our job is to lead them to tell the truth as a means of clearing up problems and moving forward.

Here are some suggestions on how to encourage your child to always tell the truth.

Demonstrate how you are a truthful person and openly admit that sometimes you make mistakes and need to say sorry and admit to the problem.
Talk often about how telling the truth helps everyone move on quickly from the problem.
When your child responds quickly with truth in a difficult situation affirm their honesty and praise their courage in doing the right thing. Let them know that the problem can be quickly solved when telling the truth. It does not get more complicated.
There are some excellent stories for young children with a Pinocchio style approach. Reading them and discussing the moral of the story is helpful.
If a child is struggling to tell the truth encourage them gently to open up.

“I can see that you are anxious about telling me what really happened…….

“I can wait a while if this helps you”.

“Are you worried about what I will think as I am proud that you tell me the truth?”

“When you tell the truth no matter how hard it is, I am so proud of your courage.”

When you notice how other people are quick to tell the truth, talk about how the problem doesn’t get more complicated.
Pick up on the little occasions when your child made the right choice to be honest.

“Thanks for cleaning up your mess on the table.” It’s about acknowledging that they recognise problems and deal with them. Sometimes just acting on your mistake is telling the truth.

Keep your anger and disappointment in control as often what we think is a big lie in the child’s mind can be quite small. Try to understand how your child sees the problem before reacting.
Ensure that if there are consequences after your child tells the truth they should be fair and reasonable taking into account that your child was honest. Always follow with affirmation about their ability to respond with the truth straight away.
A child is weaving their way through tricky situations across the day and sometimes they must make moral choices about telling the truth.

Gradually with parental guidance and gentle handling, they will come to value keeping the truth as the first priority. They will not if fear of retribution and outmoded discipline is the outcome.

We are leading them into the powerful realisation that truth sets you free.

“If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.”

— Mark Twain