Power games can be dangerous.
I have mentioned the use of power in a previous article. This time I discuss how power can be hidden in how we communicate. We may be perfectly innocent about using power, but still it can appear in our behaviour. Sometimes it would be true to say that a child looks for signs in the parent's behaviour that to them depict the use of power.
Let us not get confused with authority. As parents we have the responsibility to provide for our children and we have the authority to manage them. A child, as early as a preschooler comes to know how you operate as a parent. They read the signs very well as they need to feel reassured that all is well with them and the parent. In fact, they are frequently checking in with us to see how they are going in your eyes.
These signs through our behaviour, need to be positive, clear and consistent. Giving the child mixed messages only makes them anxious and confused. This can be construed as the use of power. We all know how intermittent anxiety can be hard to live around. This is when we have no prediction of when another person will be reactive.
The following are suggestions to keep the behavioural messages clear to the child and free of building up anxiety in them.
When you need to talk to a child about a matter speak calmly and with clarity. Often when a child is hearing about how they have done something wrong in class, they will often say that the teacher yells at them. There is something about anxiety and how you are spoken too which is important.
Short sentences and breaks in between sentences helps children better process what you are saying to them.
Always try not to be too emotive in how you communicate messages that could cause some distress.
Check where you talk to a child about important matters. Busy shopping centres, noisy environments, crowded spaces etc will only make the child feel overwhelmed by the situation and powerless to respond.
Remember to use the I statement
“I am disappointed that you....”
Also use the positive I statements as well to ensure balance in conversations.
“I am very happy that you......”
Ensure that the child understands your purpose for the conversation. Never let them hover about unsure about the outcomes This is quite unsettling and can be seen as using power indirectly.
When talking to a child about a matter, remember to use good eye contact and listen with care when they respond. The child needs to feel that you are really listening to their response and that you value what they say. If you show little interest in their response then once again power is being used over the child.
Always follow up after matters have been resolved and affirm the child's efforts in working through situations.
The use of power over children eventually runs out as the child grows and realises the empty vessel that power has become. We need to be developing a positive influence on our children so that they come to us unimpeded by fear of consequences. We are also teaching them how to manage themselves without relying on the use of power.
In working with children, it was not uncommon for them to tell me which parents they would go to when a problem arose. No surprises it was the parents that listened and did not force their thinking onto them.
This article is about checking in on how your behaviour impacts on your child, keeping in mind that they are looking for reassurance rather than disapproval and incidental use of power.
Children gravitate around what is mentally safe for them. They seek it out. They intuitively search for love and will be comfortably in tune with parents that they emotionally trust and are predictable
“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children”
It’s important we don’t confuse authority with power. Here’s steps to help you work through issues without the use of ‘power’ and teach your child to do the same.