No question about it, there are multiple thoughts and feelings throughout all the family when separation or divorce occurs. Not the least of which is anxiety in the child. This is a big topic and the point of this article is not about anxiety specifically.

There is one important factor that is worth reflecting on when a family goes through the pain of separation. That is simply how does the child read you and your reaction to the situation.

In working with children whose parents were recently separated, one major factor they would chat about was how they felt their parents were coping. They would easily recognise emotion such as anger, frustration and hurt but they were particularly focussed on how this may change their relationship with their parent. They became concerned that the preoccupations of the parents would reduce or change their relationship with them. To the child they were unsettled about how they were now seen in the light of the parents. Of course, no clear understanding of this would be given to the parent as the child acts cautiously around the emotionally charged parent. After all they do not want to worsen the pain.

As a parent going through such a major emotional turmoil, any wonder that the child questions their place in the family.

Here are some tips on how to ease this concern for your child.

What images does a child retain over a separation or divorce?

Be open and honest with your child. This gives them reassurance that they fully understand what is changing in the family.
Talk to them about how your love and closeness to the child has not changed but sometimes being upset can look confusing.
When you feel that you cannot cope and unsettled emotions are close to the surface tell your child:

“Today I feel very sad about things and need some time to think about them. Just remember that I love you even though sometimes I am preoccupied in my head.”

Take care not to be critical of your ex-partner in front of the child. This confuses them even more and a child can build resentment from hearing negative talk. It makes them anxious and confused.

We all know that time passes and hopefully you heal from the hurt. What is said and done in the process can linger longer with the child in their mind. Words said and actions done can be longer term memories for the child. This tells us to be as a careful as possible with your child when going through the dark period.

On the bright side, a child will admire your courage in coping and the way you managed yourself. So much can be learnt by the child if they are kept well informed along the journey. Remember they are going through their own journey of grief.

This article just touches on the images that a child retains over a separation. A child’s big focus is how they are valued by their parents. Such value is seen at risk by the child when crisis hits the family.

Gentle, frequent reassurance and opportunities for positive experiences helps them understand that they are secure and still just as precious in your eyes.

“Walking the walk is the most important thing we can do for our kids.”

— Dr. Kelly Bregman.