I wonder how many instructions we give in a day as parents?

“Get dressed quickly”

“Get into the car we are going”

“Put your clothes away now”

“Don't do that, you are hurting your brother”

No surprises that the listening of children drops to a very low level which causes so much frustration on the part of busy parents.

The trap is that repeating instructions that have no response from children often leads to the escalation in frustration on the part of the parent. There are various reasons why the listening drops to such a low level, but primarily it is all about far too many directions which then start fall on deaf ears. The pattern of repeating the questions forms part of the culture of the home. Often, we give directions that are poorly timed, repeated differently, are vague, escalate in volume or come with negative body language.

We also become upset that the child is not responding and valuing what you have to say. Often the child just simply hasn't internalised the message. Of course with technology in the home, listening to a parent's request is further compromised.

How often do we just threaten to take the technology off the child!

I would recommend the following to ease the pain!

1. Discuss at a restful family time what directions you need to give for the morning etc. Ask the child to repeat what the tasks are and most importantly, give them a sound reason for doing the task.

For example:

“You need to be quick this morning in getting ready as I have to work and I get so upset when I am late. Your help will make my day much better. Thanks”

2. Most importantly when it works out well, remember to thank the child for supporting you. Notice that the emphasis here is about the child understanding that the following directions makes a difference to you.

For example, a child may never see the value in cleaning their room. For them, there is no problem. However, if you want the clean room, it is all about the difference it makes to you. Of course, not all instructions may have an impact on you. They may simply be about developing good habits. Tell the child that we need to follow instructions because it will make an important difference in some way.

“ Please get in the car quickly as traffic will build up behind us and it is safer”

A child will follow instructions and change behaviour if they see the value in doing so.

3. Choose the best time to give instructions and be realistic with your expectations. If a child is preoccupied, you may need to reflect on when and how you give instructions. Also, think about how important the task is to you, as often we can get far too reactive quickly when they do not respond to a request that is especially on our mind.

4. Use positive body language and acknowledge quickly when the child responds.

“Thanks, let's get this task done quickly so that we can have some time together.”

5. Negotiate where possible.

“If you tidy your room quickly than we can have some time to play lego together.”

6. When working with children in the school setting, I did notice one significant factor that encouraged a child to listen with intent. It was all about the use of their name!

“Mark, could you open the door please?”

“Anna, please pass that pencil to me”

“Joshua, could you please close the door.”

Personalising the instructions does give more credibility to the request. I have also noticed how parents who use the child's name in talking with them, gives an impression of respect to the child.

The family environment is the setting in which you operate with your child most of the time. Keep in mind that your modelling of being a person that listens and responds to others is always in the watchful eye of the child. The more you create a climate of listening and positive feedback, keeping voices at a calm and steady level, the greater propensity there is to reduce the escalation of anger and frustration when giving instructions. These are the skills you are teaching your child. It is all about developing a culture of listeners.

6 tips to help your child 'hear' and respond to your instructions.