Have you ever noticed how you change when unable to cope? This could be through tiredness, health issues or just you have just reached your limit! Beware these are the vulnerable times when we can overreact with our children. Easily done! Sadly we pay a high price in our relationship when this occurs.

Your child has refused to listen all morning and now he has damaged some furniture. It's enough to set off a chain of verbal abuse on the child. When we do this, we come back feeling vulnerable and wondering how we can undo what we have just done!

Always remember it is the behaviour we do not like. It is not a dislike of the child. When we are tired and vulnerable, how we talk to the child often looks and sounds like we dislike the child!

We are all human and children's behaviour can send our pulses racing.

Parents often tell me that using the following strategies helps limit the likelihood of being out of control.

Consider stepping back from the situation when it gets out of hand. This can be done by walking away for a few minutes, entering another room, deep breathing, counting to ten etc. It is about creating a space between the incident and your reaction.
Try preventative methods. If you know that there is a likelihood of escalating bad behaviour from the child, are there things that can be done to reduce that escalation. For example, take along toys, books etc. that can be a distraction. Let the child choose what he would like to take with him.
Ask yourself do you have to go ahead with the activity at that point? Can it be delayed where the child is not involved?

Keep in your mind some simple “I” statements that limit the anger.

“I am really upset at the moment and can't talk about it.”

“I am so angry that this has happened. I need some time to think about it.”

Talk to the child about what you are about to do, shopping etc. Discuss what will help them be settled during this time. Rewarding a child who has had to put in an effort is acceptable but of course not all the time.

Progressively, during the morning or the activity, acknowledge their efforts in behaving well. Thanking them for supporting you is also valuable. Comment on how it made you work faster or achieve your goals well.

Remember it is about reducing the likelihood of reactionary behaviour which is sometimes complicated and hard to reconcile. Often, when we do have these outbursts, the child does not understand the intensity of the problem or the heightened reaction. This causes doubt and confusion in their mind.

Know your own capabilities and recognise the signs where fatigue etc. will set in and over stimulate your negative reaction to problems. Minimising your reactions enables you to deal with the behaviour in a calmer way.

When we have outburstsover behaviour, the child does not understand the intensity of the problem or the heightened reaction.