One of the most powerful ways we influence our children is the language we use when we talk to them on a regular basis. We may do many things for our children but how we use our language is critical in how they understand out intent and how they recognise their role through your words.

This article is about how we speak incidentally and its impact on our children. It is about developing awareness that sometimes in just having a general conversation, we can make a negative statement about our child, it can be a put down and no surprises when we get a negative response.

“John, let me carry that over to the bench. It's too heavy for you.”

“Do your homework in that room, it is a silly thing to do it near the television.”

In both these statements we refer to their competency level.

Better to say something like:

“John I'll carry that over to the bench. Thanks for your help.”

“You can do your homework in a room where there is less noise”

It is of course necessary to get your message across, but care must be taken that a “put down” is not incidentally and without intent, included in the language. We can do this very effectively without being aware of its destructiveness or the regularity with which we say it.

We can develop patterns where a child's vulnerable side is mentioned quite often.

“You are not big enough to help mum. When you're older you can help.”

We need to take care, as this habit can spread to other members of the family who pick up the intent and run with it themselves. Sometimes the order of the family can be a factor here.

When working with children, they would mention the perception that the family had of them at home. This would affect their own self perception and in some cases how they acted out with others.

Remember, that no matter what order your child is in the family, they are unique with age and size capabilities should all be seen as special and not inadequate. Incidentally referring to a vulnerability can become a habit and it will stick especially with the rest of the family.

“Jenny you know how clumsy you are, be careful when you carry that plate!”

Try saying:

“Jenny thanks for taking the plate. Take care.”

The outcome here is likely to be more successful or at least there is no incidental labelling.

It's all in the words.

“People may hear your words but they feel your attitude”

— John C Maxwell