One of the keys to success is helping children accept and like who they are. They need to believe they deserve kindness and good things in life. Gail Smith shares why it's essential for parents to teach their kids self-acceptance and self-worth.
Read MoreEncouraging your child to be different not only nurtures their individuality but also fosters critical thinking. Gail Smith shares insightful reasons why empowering children to question the status quo leads to personal growth. By teaching them not to always accept things as they are, we invite healthy curiosity and a deeper understanding of the world around them.
Read MoreHere are 5 benefits of teaching children great manners.
Read MoreThis blog provides several reasons why supporting your child’s individual style will accelerate their learning.
Read MoreFor some children, finding their confidence can be a challenge. Here are some ways to build your child’s stamina in this area.
Read MoreThis blog shares a few parenting tips on feeling and growing confident in being the best parent possible.
Read MoreWe all like and value routine. In fact, our routine reassures us that we are balanced and consistent and we have better control and management of our lives and those of our children. I agree there is much to be said for routine and order. I would also propose thinking about the various differences that your child introduces you too as they grow. You can learn much from your child and so be prepared to change!
We would like to think that our children are mirror images of ourselves. However, over time they are beginning to form their own opinions likes and dislikes along the way. My question here is do we allow them to be different? Are we happy when they offer other suggestions that sound different from the way the family operates? Are we open to being excited when they produce something quite different? In working with children, teachers encourage spontaneity and variation in the work the children do. They set goals expectations but become quite excited when the child steps away from the norm and sees the world from a different angle. This is strongly encouraged in the classroom. As a parent do, we encourage our children to be different? Are we interested in letting them develop their own style, or are we inclined to direct them to what we know is a safe option?
Many of the famous, creative people see the world differently and are happy when they have control of their own creative bent. This article is challenging us as parents to give your child scope to be different and to allow in the family their differences to blossom.
Here are some thoughts on how to enable this to happen:
Do you encourage your children to think differently?
Affirm the difference. Take care not to steer your child into the likes and dislikes that you believe are safe and secure. As a parent, we guide them by allowing them space to steer their own boat.
Take care not to be too critical or questioning of things you don’t understand. Respect their right to bring new thoughts and ideas into the home.
Be prepared to learn from your child. They often show you new ways of operating on computers, introduce you to their music, discuss environmental issues etc. When they approach you with their uniqueness try to engage with interest. This is their way of sharing their world with you. There is much to learn from the next generation.
If they start talking about topics that you are uncomfortable with, give them a chance to express themselves. Don’t cut them off at the knees. You want them to be open and feel welcomed to discuss their controversial concerns. You may have opinions that are different and can express those to the child but allowing them to talk about these tricky matters is important for open communication.
We tend to look for commonalities with our children. Try and affirm the differences you notice.
“You have beautiful blue eyes. I think you are the first in the family to have them.”
As the child ages, you may find some of their friends a bit confronting. Remember, your child will ultimately discern who they associate with and by welcoming all friends you reassure your child that you trust them.
Occasionally your child will say or do things that surprise or shock you, putting you off guard. It is legitimate to talk about them but allow yourself time to process the situation before the discussion.
“Goodness. I had no idea that you were doing handstands at school.”
Take time to process the situation before offering comments that could offside the child.
This article can challenge us as parents. Afterall we have faith in the things we know that work well as a family. Most children are keen to please and willing to oblige family expectations. However, if they sense the freedom to be themselves in whatever form that presents itself, they will be happier and more disclosing to the family about what they like and dislike. If they see you as a parent that celebrates their differences, you will be in a safer and happier position to really know your child. A little bit of childhood rebellion in your presence won’t hurt!
“Those who do not think outside the box are easily contained.”
Are you the sort of person that is overwhelmed when strong personalities talk over you? This can be so frustrating. As we grow and develop on emotional, social, intellectual and physical levels we find our place in groups and especially in conversation with each other.
Some people become shy and timid, others develop more confidence in expressing themselves etc. The point here is that whatever the developing personality of your child, they need to find a space for their voice. The best place to start is the comfort of the family.
By this, I mean they need ongoing and regular opportunities to be heard and have the time to express themselves. Some families have special listening times at dinner. Of course bed time is another occasion.
A child needs to know that they have a voice which is valued and that people want to hear what they have to say. This is a right and if they develop feelings that they have opinions that are valued, they grow in self confidence.
This is about strengthening their emotional maturity. They hear conversations but recognise that in that conversation they can have opinions and offer comments.
They will always see models from their parents in terms of how they communicate with different groups.
When working with children, after listening carefully to their concerns it was quite common to include:
“So what do you think of that matter?”
“Do you think there is value in that idea?”
Giving a child the right to a voice gives them the understanding that they are valued. It also teaches them the art of conversation and develops their listening skills and improves literacy skills.
Here are some suggestions to give them a voice.
At dinnertime, bring up a topic and ask each child to talk about their thoughts and opinions on the subject. Some parents use simple news items of the day.
Ask your child to write down opinions on a topic. Put them into a box and at dinner read out everyone’s opinions and discuss.
Use the newspaper to discuss some issues asking your child to comment on the matter.
When the family talks about an issue, write opinions on a post-it-note and put on the fridge. This is an interesting way to discuss later as a family.
When watching a film together, stop along the way to ask opinions about some issue that has occurred in the film. This sparks conversation.
We are helping our child grow in confidence to use their voice effectively and to feel reassured that their opinion is important. It may not be the overarching opinion of everyone, but it has a legitimate place in conversation.
“Education begins the moment we see children as innately wise.
Only then can we play along in their world.”
Five suggestions on how to give your child a voice.
Conversation is all we have when it comes to talking and teaching our children. How we speak to them does have an impact on how they see issues such as love, anger, unhappiness, joy etc. Naturally, they work hard to read the signs which we give them through our speech. This article just alerts us to the importance of speaking well around our children.
Phrasing sentences positively, avoiding bad language, careful use of how we refer to people and of course intonation in our voice. Many wars have been one and lost through conversations.
Here is a short list of ways to talk to our children so that we teach them that through effective conversation, people can get their needs met respectfully and be heard.
When talking about people phrase the sentences positively.
For example:
“John is not well and I can see that he is troubled by his illness at the moment. This can sometimes make you out of sorts.”
Here we are talking about a person and reflecting on how they feel given their circumstances. Note the positive flow in the sentences.
If unsure about how to respond, rather that jumping in quickly take time to think about your response.
Always add a positive element or spin where possible.
Affirm in your talk.
For example:
“ How exciting it is to see the effort you made in that race.”
Sometimes when unsure what to respond, saying nothing is acceptable and less damaging.
There is no need to have an answer for everything.
“That is interesting. I will think about that”.
In working with children it was always a plan of mine to not consult with them if I was overbusy, tired or hassled for some reason. Talking to children required the right frame of mind and the right style of conversation to be effective. If I rushed through the conversation or used abbreviated language, they would often say to me:
“Why are you talking differently today?”
Choose your time when there is something important to talk about. Think about how you might express yourself.
It is better to hold off in conversation if you are not well prepared mentally or physically to deal with the issue.
Learn to listen with empathy and compassion.
Your body language in conversation also sends messages to children, so choose to be calm and focused when talking about important matters. Give them strong eye contact.
Don’t forget to laugh and enjoy the experience of talking with your children. They see from this that you are seriously engaging with them.
Finally and most importantly be clear in how you speak. Messages swayed in sarcasm or sophisticated humour are lost on a child. They will listen to you and if they are quite young, children will understand you from a literal perspective. Speak with clarity, consistency and truth. This gives them feelings of being secure and reassured in understanding your meaning.
A child learns from you how conversation is a tool to communicate effectively with others. It is not a weapon of destruction but is a gift to be used well. The more we demonstrate this through our way or style of talking will have an amazing impact on how our children use language.
Children learn from the way we speak to and around them.
Let’s face it, the more we feel stronger and confident in ourselves, the greater capacity we have to be successful and most importantly, like ourselves.
The best way to have success is to recognise that we do have strengths and that these are special highlights of our ability to cope. We also have low-lights that we need to work on. Recognising our low-lights should be seen as growth curves where we need to keep on working towards improvement.
For a child, dealing with emotions, regulating emotions is hard work. It is always best to start by focusing on strengths that are visible, repetitive and which give the child a feeling of success. This could be anything from being able to pack up their toys at an early age, through to having an aptitude for Maths.
The best way to affirm is to acknowledge the actual presence of strength in what they do or say.
For example:
“I really like the way you write in your book. You have a neat and very attractive style of writing. This shows me how skilled you are in this area.”
Notice that the emphasis is on being specific in relation to the skill that you have noticed. When it is repeated:
“Once again you show me how well you can write. I will ask you to write down the grocery list. This will be a help to me.”
It is also about utilising the skill and demonstrating how such a skill can cross over and be useful on different levels. This teaches the child that they have very capable skills which impact on others.
“You tidy the toys so well. I hope you will help me tidy my room it is such a mess”.
By giving them the awareness that their strengths are useful, they will begin to develop stronger relationships and will find their own application for their skills.
Whilst working with one child, who lacked some personal confidence, especially in school work, we all recognised how strong he was in sport. He was asked to help the younger children develop their games and this gave him personal pride and led to his improved overall self esteem.
Strengths are a wonderful building block upon which children grow on so many levels not the least of which is self awareness. The more self aware we become, the greater capacity we have to manage and value our strengths. It also helps us put our vulnerabilities in a better, more manageable perspective.
The best way to affirm your child’s strength is to acknowledge the actual presence of strength in what they do or say.
Do you have a quiet child? This refers to a child who generally takes a quiet stand on different matters. They may seem to be the child that sits and listens more or perhaps just responds to questions with one word answers. They may be the child that does not want to stand out in a crowd or appears happy to follow the others in various activities. In every classroom there will be those children who will not make their presence felt or who simply enjoy being part of a group in a non distinguishable way.
Many people are by nature quiet, shy or timid in their approach to communication with others. Whilst this is an acceptable trait, it is still worth monitoring children who appear exceptionally quiet or disinterested in engaging with others. There could be many reasons why remaining quiet and unnoticed is a preferred option for a child.
Whilst a child is developing intellectually, physically, emotionally and socially, this is the time to encourage them to be comfortable and confident in speaking out. A child needs to develop their voice, feel it is heard and gain success from people’s response. If a child remains too silent, they can build up resentment and feel frustrated that they are not achieving success like other children. They will also become conditioned into operating this way which becomes an accepted pattern of communicating where everyone around them adjusts to their silence.
It is also important to encourage the conversation as the child can become quite dependent on their silence which acts as a defence mechanism avoiding social issues etc. We need our children to deal with matters that arise using language with growing confidence.
In today’s world where we are very aware of child safety matters, we need to give our children confidence that their voice is heard and valued.
In working with children, I was especially aware that in talking to the quiet child I needed to ask very open ended questions. I also needed to speak in a quiet and comforting voice that did not take on authority over the conversation. If at any point I spoke as though I was in charge of the conversation, it would clearly stop on the part of the child.
Here are a few tips on how to encourage the quiet child to use and strengthen their voice.
When talking as a family unit, check in with the quiet child, asking questions that do not put them in any distress, especially when in front of other members of the family.
Ask open ended questions, not closed ones. For example,
“When you were at school, today tell me some happy things that happened.”
Some families have starter up sentences which they play as a family.
“Today I went to the park and ………
“I like breakfast because……
This can be turned into a fun activity. The principal here is to encourage longer responses to the statement.
Affirm your child when they give you a sound explanation.
“Thanks for telling me that story. You explained it so well.”
Writing stories and reading them out aloud is another way of a child hearing their voice and others responding to it, questioning and affirming.
Take care not to dominate a conversation. This can be easily done as quiet children will simply let you keep on with the conversation.
No surprises when I say that excessive use of technology further limits their voice. Technology replaces their voice especially through the use of games.
In today’s world where we are very aware of child safety matters, we need to give our children confidence that their voice is heard and valued.
One of the most powerful ways we influence our children is the language we use when we talk to them on a regular basis. We may do many things for our children but how we use our language is critical in how they understand out intent and how they recognise their role through your words.
This article is about how we speak incidentally and its impact on our children. It is about developing awareness that sometimes in just having a general conversation, we can make a negative statement about our child, it can be a put down and no surprises when we get a negative response.
“John, let me carry that over to the bench. It's too heavy for you.”
“Do your homework in that room, it is a silly thing to do it near the television.”
In both these statements we refer to their competency level.
Better to say something like:
“John I'll carry that over to the bench. Thanks for your help.”
“You can do your homework in a room where there is less noise”
It is of course necessary to get your message across, but care must be taken that a “put down” is not incidentally and without intent, included in the language. We can do this very effectively without being aware of its destructiveness or the regularity with which we say it.
We can develop patterns where a child's vulnerable side is mentioned quite often.
“You are not big enough to help mum. When you're older you can help.”
We need to take care, as this habit can spread to other members of the family who pick up the intent and run with it themselves. Sometimes the order of the family can be a factor here.
When working with children, they would mention the perception that the family had of them at home. This would affect their own self perception and in some cases how they acted out with others.
Remember, that no matter what order your child is in the family, they are unique with age and size capabilities should all be seen as special and not inadequate. Incidentally referring to a vulnerability can become a habit and it will stick especially with the rest of the family.
“Jenny you know how clumsy you are, be careful when you carry that plate!”
Try saying:
“Jenny thanks for taking the plate. Take care.”
The outcome here is likely to be more successful or at least there is no incidental labelling.
It's all in the words.
“People may hear your words but they feel your attitude”
It’s all in the words
Who remembers their upbringing? Well, one thing is for certain as soon as you become a parent, you begin to reflect on your own upbringing. As the child becomes more independent, patterns of how your parents dealt with various situations looms large in your mind. It was not uncommon to hear from parents how they found themselves repeating words that their parents had said to them when growing up. Some parents were anxious not to repeat the same child rearing as their parents and so they sometimes overcompensated with their children which led to other problems.
Having your own children causes you to reflect more deeply on your own childhood.
As parents from different upbringings, we bring to the table, different ideas about how to raise our children. No surprises here that this can cause some tension between parents.
Also it is no surprise that the child will gravitate around the parent less punitive, less judgemental and often more relaxed in listening. This can sometimes cause more frustration on the part of the other parent who feels that the child needs more discipline.
This article reminds us that firstly we need to accept that parents may have different understandings of child rearing and together parents bring a lot to the table. There is no absolute right or wrong. The best way to manage this situation is to agree as parents that you are honest with your child in acknowledging that sometimes parents see things differently. The child is very aware of this and the more it is understood in the family, the better for all. I would also suggest that as parents consider attending a small parenting course together. This brings out the differences but especially focuses on how certain common factors in parenting should be shared by both parents.
As a family discuss important issues together as this will give both parents a chance to look at the matters in hand.
Sometimes one parent is better at dealing with some issue and as a couple agree on when this should happen.
Having a united front can sometimes be overwhelming for the child as they feel they have no place to go in discussing and negotiating their problems.
Both parents could practice the following:
Never be over reactive when hearing about a situation. After all you want your child to keep talking. Listen with interest before you ask questions and work through the issue. If a parent feels that they may be reactive to what is being discussed then I would recommend that this could be a matter for the other parent.
Ensure that your child understands that both parents are good listeners and that sometimes one parent may work through the matter rather than the other or both parents. Being consistent can be difficult. This is why discussing all the ins and outs of the situation are important before making decisions.
The more parents make themselves available to the child, the greater chance of children being open to both parents in their discussions.
When talking to parents I noticed that those children who had authentic relationships with their parents felt that home was a safe place to talk about matters. They would often tell me how their parents reacted to different situations but would comfortably say, “I can talk to mum or dad”.
It is also helpful to talk to the child about your childhood so that they can understand your journey as a child. This helps them reflect on the differences in their family.
The one factor parents have in common is that they care for their child and want them to grow up happy and well adjusted. Parents can be different, be a capable listener and genuine in how they communicate with their child.
Do you have different parenting styles?
We all make mistakes and thank God for that!
Einstein, the great physicist, was famous for commenting on how repeated mistakes led to his final discoveries. We need error to check our thinking and stimulate us to look for other ways and processes to be successful. Having said that, it is still often a concern for some children when they make a mistake. Some children develop a fear of making a mistake. In working with children it often appeared to be tied up with their belief that they will let their parents down. Unfortunately, the more they are conditioned to hanging onto this fear, the less they will try as they feel more secure in just not having a go! After all that makes them feel more secure!
Teachers often struggle with this issue in the classroom. At the risk of sounding too sure of myself, I see this problem generally in first children. They are more inclined to be cautious and only take one step forward and sometimes two steps back!
We need to understand that they fear disappointing others. Therefore, we need to reassure them that we applaud the effort not the outcome. It is all about celebrating, 'having a go'.
Here are some suggestions for supporting the child through this habit forming problem.
As a family set up a 'having a go' sheet. Every time the child tells you that they really had a go over some tricky situation put a tick on the sheet and agree to some reward when the chart has completed ten ticks. This is all about changing patterns and affirming the effort.
Be spontaneous and when you notice an attempt, affirm the child.
When you look at the school work that comes home, take care to comment on the work completed and the effort made. Avoid highlighting the mistakes.
Here you say:
“These are where you have growth curves to learn more. We all have growth curves.”
Talk about your growth curves that you are working on to improve yourself.
Across the week when chatting, talk about one situation where you had a go even though it was hard. Discuss how you felt? Take care not to talk about too many successes. Just focus on the effort you took. Keep in mind their fear of disappointing you. Reinforce how happy you are when they simply, 'have a go'.
You could say,
“ I love your efforts. You always have a go and that is what I love about you”
There are some excellent children's feeling books obtainable in most libraries. This could be a great way of talking about fears of making mistakes. Talk to the school librarian or to the local librarian about suitable books. Remember, we are changing their thoughts on what really pleases us. It is all about the effort.
“ Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”
We need to understand that children fear disappointing others. We need to reassure them that we applaud the effort not the outcome. It is all about celebrating, 'having a go'.
Sometimes the days pass with regularity and we rise to meet various expectations. We are so busy just getting through the week and ensuring that we have ticked off all that we need to do especially with regard to children's activities after school etc.
What this article is about is quintessentially to search out the opportunities in the ordinary nature of the day to affirm and acknowledge your child's efforts in many and varied areas, big and small. Incidental praise is very much positive reinforcement intermittently and can be quite powerful and effective in building the child's emotional well being. It is all about the element of surprise. The more you do it, the more realised will become the child's behaviour.
“Well done. You certainly know how well to unpack the groceries. I can start the dinner now.”
“I love the way you play with your younger brother. You are so gentle and understanding.”
In this way we identify unrealised strengths in so many areas. Note that this positive talk is quite specific and outlines why you are pleased, grateful or simply happy with their performance.
The more specific you are, the more genuine sounding is the statement. It also tells the child that their behaviour has had an impact on someone else.
“I really love the way you clean your room. Everything is put back in its right spot and I can walk around the room easily.”
Searching out opportunities is all about noticing occasions when your child spontaneously shows strengths in behaviours which sometimes we just take for granted. I am a great advocate of seizing the moment especially when they demonstrate gratitude, empathy to others or behaviour demonstrating an unselfish nature. This is all about strengthening their emotional literacies.
In the school setting, it is often a feature of the teacher's work. That is to spot the positive behaviour which impacts on others. After all, teachers model such behaviour themselves to the children all day.
Across the day, simply notice those times when your child demonstrates behaviour that does make a difference to those around them. Surprise them with positive recognition. This is optimising their growth. This is positive feedback.
It also helps the child realise so many of the ordinary things that they do, are actually done well
Praising children helps them to realise so many of the ordinary things that they do, are actually done well.
This might seem a strange topic? Especially as you will say that I always show my child the confidence I have in them at all times. Our children carefully read messages that we give them both directly and indirectly. They are always looking for that special reassurance from their parents. They are keen to gain approval and the more they understand and appreciate your style of affirming them, the better.
With all of this in mind, this article is alerting us to be consistent and clear in the way we show them how confident we are in them.
Here are a few thoughts on the matter.
Use the same words often.
“I am really confident in your ability to do your very best”
After giving such a message ensure the follow up is equally as valid and does not drop intent.
“Great effort today. I could see how much effort you put into it.”
Always keep the same thread running through your conversations, especially with regard to showing confidence in their efforts. Take care that if you are making some comments about improvement, it still needs to demonstrate to the child that you are confident of their ability to have ago. This confidence has in no way been compromised.
Areas in which parents can often fall down here is when they comment on sport. Children need encouragement and they need to feel that their best was recognised by the parent. Take care not to subtly imply that you expected more from them or that you were proud of them but extra effort would have been better. When subtle, negative messages are put into such sentences, the child generally just hears the subtle criticism and so the affirmation has very little value.
I appreciate that this sounds complicated but it actually means that showing confidence in a child is simply and exactly that! You say and demonstrate consistently that you have confidence in their efforts and abilities. You understand that improvement is always part of the process. I have seen in working with children that by demonstrating absolute, uncomplicated confidence in a child, improvement naturally occurs.
The child who feels that parents have confidence in them, naturally take ownership of their own improvements. After all, if their parents are confident in them, everything is possible.
“The way you speak to your children, is the single greatest factor in shaping their personalities and self discipline.”
The child who feels that parents have confidence in them, naturally take ownership of their own improvements. After all, if their parents are confident in them, everything is possible.