What’s in the words you use?
The power of words has such an impact on our children. Think about words used by your family when you were a child. Perhaps they were reinforcing or rather damaging. Either way, words are powerful tools in influencing our self-image. How we express ourselves reveals a lot about who we are to others and especially to our children.
This does not mean that parents should be wordsmiths but it does suggest that what we say to our children and how we deliver the message needs to be thought through carefully. Consider these two statements.
How are you delivering messages to your children?
“Clean the table it is full of leftover dishes.”
“I would appreciate you cleaning the table as it will make such a difference.”
or perhaps,
“I love a clean table. Thanks for your help. Let’s clean it up.”
Ultimately the goal here is to clean the table but how we express it requires clear messages to your child and highlights your mood, temperament and how you desire to engage with the child.
Also consider the choice of words.
“That is a stupid thing to do.”
or,
“Doing that has caused some problems.”
When talking to children, they will always look for intent and seek clarity in what you say. Given that they seek approval from you they need to have conversations with you that are not destructive or display irrationality. Of course, when you need to discuss and deal with unacceptable behaviour, you will need to speak to them with assurity and firmness but I recommend the following.
Say what you need to say and no more. Sometimes in our anxiety to deal with the matter other issues are brought into the conversation which can blur the whole purpose of the conversation.
If you think that you will not handle the conversation well, then delay the timing of the discussion. Better to use effective language later rather than use poor language when unsettled.
Remember that when a child is anxious, they often do not hear or process the whole conversation. Use gentle words that are listenable and clear to the child.
“I want to talk to you about the broken glass on the floor. It seems that you knocked over the vase when you were running. Do you remember our discussion about running around the room?”
Take care not to use language such as stupid, dumb, silly. Often the child focuses on these words which cloud their feelings of self-worth when you are talking to them.
On a positive note, when you affirm a child use language that is recognisable and valued by the child. Use familiar, comforting words in which they can identify.
“I am so impressed with your efforts. Well done.”
Keep sentences short and sharp when wanting to deliver messages and take care not to change the tone of your conversation along the way.
The words we use and how we phrase our words dictates to many people how we interpret the world. Your child sees you as a major model in their life and will mimic your style as they get older. It was quite common to see in class, children who sound so much like their parents. Never underestimate how your language influences your child.
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice. ”