Have you ever noticed that sometimes our kids seem to tune us out or react in unexpected ways? It might be because we unintentionally create barriers to good communication with them. Discover with Gail Smith some common roadblocks we might unknowingly set up, thinking we're doing what's best for them.
Read MoreI am sure that if I asked you, were you a tolerant and understanding parent, I am sure after reflection you would say, Yes. What may surprise you is that every family is different in terms of what they tolerate and what they believe is acceptable behaviour. What our children experience when they visit other homes, especially their friends are a whole set of different expectations and understandings. This is quite a learning curve for children and sometimes they will reflect on what they see and learn and not talk much about it at home. The difference at times can be quite overwhelming.
It is natural that children compare how different families operate and they are particularly curious about the degree of tolerance and freedom shown in other homes. They will compare and be interested in how their home experiences differ from other families. This is a time when they are reflecting on how happy they are in their family compared to other family situations. This is a normal part of growing up and learning about how people operate and perceive what is important in their life.
Here are a few tips on managing these interesting times when your children enter other people’s lives.
Firstly, be sure about what you value as a family. As a unit, you have a certain way of operating and you have faith in your ability to manage family situations.
Children may walk into homes that seem to have more liberty. This to a child is very exciting. They will challenge you about certain liberties that they are not given. Be sure of your answers and remain consistent and be clear about the values and patterns you keep as a family.
Be open to inviting your child’s friends into your home. However, once visiting, they are subject to your rules with little compromise. It is important here to show your children that how you operate is valued by all.
Talk about the fact that they will enter homes that perhaps have different rules and some may be looser than yours. Stress to your child that you trust their judgement at all times. Unless the environment is deemed unsafe, remember that children need to be exposed to different family settings.
Certainly, be open to change. If a child proposes some change that they have seen in other homes, have a discussion about whether you are prepared to introduce change, but keep in mind, this should happen through negotiation and discussion. Never lose sight of what is important to you but be open to listening which shows the child that you are a listener and respect their thoughts.
Sometimes a child will see different ways in which parents deal with matters such as poor behaviours etc. These differences can be quite a surprise or even a shock to your child. When your child begins to visit other homes, keep conversations at your home open about how families are all different and have different ways of operating. The more you seem open to discussing the differences your child has seen, the more they will talk about the experiences they have had in different homes. Here we are leaving the door open for discussion about what a child may see as different.
This article is all about gradually inviting your child to see how difference occurs in families. It is not saying that your family has only the right way to follow, but it does stress that as a family you have a right and a style that best suits you. You choose to live by this code, but will from time to time reflect on suggestions based on their suitability for your ever-growing family structure.
‘Children understand and remember concepts best when they learn from direct experience.’
- Joseph Cornell
We often hear that sticks and stones can break your bones but names can never hurt you. I wonder!
Children are very easily affected by words and negative words will often be the bread and butter of feeling bullied and less secure. Words that are used in haste by parents can also cause distress in children who are frequently seeking and needing your approval. Words that are damaging to a child can be hidden in sentences such as:
“What a silly thing to do.”
You may not have said directly that your child was silly but that is the word that sticks and to the child that is the accusation.
How about when we say:
“That’s a dumb thing to do,” in effect the child thinks that they are dumb.
Teachers are always watching their language to ensure that a child does not misinterpret their words. Once a child feels vulnerable as words have been used that intimidate them, the relationship is damaged. Often teachers quickly recognise that their language was damaging and so go into immediate mode to rectify the problem. Teachers will train themselves to avoid careless words.
Parents naturally speak with much incidental talk around and with their child. Little ears pick it all up and careless words can easily creep into conversations especially when we are disappointed.
“Watch out for the cord on the floor. It would be a silly thing to fall over it.”
Try saying:
“Watch out for the cord on the floor. It is dangerous.”
Avoiding the obvious damaging words is the safest route. Words such as “dumb, silly ridiculous, crazy, mad, etc”. Words that can have connotations that imply the child is incompetent can be damaging.
When working with children I tried to introduce some affirming words. For example:
“Thanks for closing the door quietly as it is an awful sound when it slams.”
It is amazing how the simple affirming positives can take away the edge in conversation. Such positives invite conversations that are not threatening.
Keep in mind the following thoughts:
Better conversation means the relationship is on a healthy path. There is more honesty when a child feels less threatened by negative words.
The use of negative words can mean that the child will shut down from the conversation.
If there is a pattern of using negative words when something goes wrong, will your child approach you?
When very upset allow some time to pass before bringing up the matter. Silence can be golden. It can reduce anger and ensure less damaging conversations will follow.
Finally, think about the times when negative words have been used on yourself. I am sure you will recognise that feeling of loss and frustration. Did the feeling change your opinion of the person speaking the words? How did you respond after the words were used?
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can be everlasting.”
Consider how we speak. How do we use our words? Are we quick to say things off the cuff or are we more precise and careful in how we speak? Our children hear not only what we have to say but how we say it. They quickly pick up the intonation and sense our mood, intent and temper in our conversations. This blog is to invite us to reflect a little more deeply on how we present ourselves to children through our words. Do we want them to see us a controlled person or one who speaks with thought and with judgement in how we speak?
No question about it, children will be attracted to the parent who speaks calmly and is approachable and not so quick to temper. These are parents who choose their words carefully.
Consider the following:
How we speak gives a message to our children about how we approach life. More words are not always better than less, more meaningful words.
We want our children to engage with us over many topics. The more controversial, the less likely they will approach someone who speaks quickly, jumps to conclusions and can be quick to respond with strong opinion. Even using highly articulate words can be intimidating to a young child. By them not understanding the words can more unsettling.
Remember, ‘Words once spoken can never be revoked.’ (Horaci 65-8BC)
The advice here is about realising the power and potential damage if words are used with intent to hurt. By stopping and thinking before speaking we put the relationship at less risk. This gives us time to choose words well.
People who demonstrate action over words are considered wise and rational people. Our children benefit from seeing this model in their parents.
Careless thoughtless words can be very influential in changing relationships for good. Going into damage control is never as effective as simply avoiding such words.
Teachers know the value of speaking well and using it to bring out the best in children. They know that careless talk changes the relationship by diminishing trust and teaching children becomes more difficult. They encourage children to think about what they want to say so that they get the best from the conversation.
As a principal, it was so important to speak with clarity, know my facts and think about the words that I was using so that a child would not misinterpret what I said. By doing this I was in a better situation to have a healthy, productive conversation.
It is such a powerful tool, the use of words. We are gifted with speech but should see it as a force to do good and to build relationships, especially with our children.
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”
There is so much we are teaching our children, this is obvious. What we need to occasionally to reflect on is, the incidental things that occur that are noticed and internalised by our children. Keep in mind that we are all part of the great human condition and by this definition, we are not perfect! However, our children are very clever in picking up the incidentals and shifting moods in our behaviour. These are incidents and occasions where we may let our guard down. For some reason, our children are curious creatures when they see how imperfect we are.
I remember, as the school principal, there was a consistent way of operating and the values exposed were to be consistently displayed. Sometimes life is complicated and principals get compromised. Teachers are excellent at building strong, stable authentic relationships with their children, which generally involves a child excusing them when they slip up on occasions. In my experience, it was common for children who had strong relationships with their teachers, to be quite protective of their failures and misadventures.
As a parent, do our children notice our misdemeanours and are they watching to learn all the incidental behaviours they notice in us? The answer I fear is probably yes. They are always checking into see our legitimacy and how this affects them. Certainly, in working with children, it was clear they understood their parents very well.
Consider the following thoughts to help us live with this subtle pressure from our children:
What incidental things that occur are noticed and internalised by our children?
Accept and acknowledge with your child that you are not perfect. In fact, what is ‘perfect’?
Be natural in apologising when you think it necessary. Children really appreciate that you understand that you make mistakes just like them.
Be relaxed in talking to them and when putting down important rules etc. in the home, acknowledge that you just try your best at all times.
Talk about how you can sometimes get tired and let your guard down. This is natural and normal.
Have a laugh with your child when you find yourself not living up to your expectations. This is about showing your human side. We all make mistakes.
Be aware that small ears listen and love to learn more about you in discreet ways. This may mean compromising some feelings at time to give the right message to your child.
Watch the language you use around the child especially when talking about others. Much is revealed to a child when we express our opinions about others.
A child loves the parent who is easy to read and comfortable in how they express themselves. They enjoy the journey of learning more about their parents often through different unexpected experiences. This is often the test of being true to ourselves.
“A sensitive child sees the world through the lens of the child.”
Do you have one of these tendencies when you are dealing with a conflictual issue? Sometimes our determination, sense of self-worth and anxiety about failure can take over and rather than losing face we can choose a flight or fight mode to cope. From time to time we switch into different modes. Flight and fight are a form of escapism from combined resolution.
Children will naturally experiment with all three modes and as they mature, we hope that they will be more inclined to read the signs and go with the flow avoiding failure. Rather this is more about understanding the circumstances, being tolerant of other’s opinions and not wearing the problem. It takes considerable maturity to go with the flow and compromise your way of being. However, after time you begin to realise the advantages of it.
Flowing with the situation requires discernment and developing the wisdom to cope with the situation, not personalise the matter and not get stressed. This may mean compromising your principals but it is also about thinking of others and valuing their input.
Parents who take on the fight model will eventually struggle as the child gets older. Fleeing is a model where we avoid situations that can eventually grow into a much more complex problem.
Are you a fight, flight or go with the flow type of parent?
Modelling for our children the art of flowing is teaching them that fight or flight is short term satisfaction. To flow keeps you in the discussion and hopefully, you still have stakes in the matter.
Teachers are all about negotiation and compromise. They teach children that when they are faced with a problem it is best to confront it and together with the other person negotiate a way though. If a teacher uses the model of fighting to win, they understand that eventually, their power runs out and no real resolution is made other than damaged relationships.
Consider:
When discussing matters with your child that can be unsettling, take care not to immediately resort to power to end the matter. This is likened to fighting to win and will eventually be unsuccessful. Negotiate. Talk to your child about what is on their mind and be prepared to discuss the matter calmly. Using the fight mode tells your children that the matter is unsettling for you and perhaps you are not the right person to talk to about the issue.
Parents can use flight by refusing to talk to their child about matters that they don’t want discussed. Escaping from such conversations can lead to children seeking resolution elsewhere.
Always be prepared to listen and discuss. You may be surprised at what you learn.
If you child has a tendency to fight or to run away from issues, gently engage with them and help them talk through the problem calmly and without judgement.
Teach your child that being prepared to listen, can lead to new information. Once you listen it is easier to go with the flow and simply you work through the problem more easily. You are more inclined to have a positive input into problems or conflict if people see you as someone who is fair and reasonable in discussing matters that are sensitive.
“If you want to fly give up everything that weighs you down.”
Power can take many forms. As a parent, you are confident and responsible. You understand your responsibility and will always sacrifice your interests over that of the child. As a parent, you understand that sacrifice is part of the job and so the self-actualisation one gains from being a parent highlight how the joy of having a child impacts on your life.
We grow with the child and our personality has quite an impression on the child. Our child comes to know what influences our moods, what excites us and what from time to time angers us.
How natural and normal is that in disclosing who we are and how we respond to life. Very natural I would say.
This article is to remind us that our children are like sponges and will respond to our reactions in different ways. Somewhere in their DNA they are working it all out! They learn from our responses and will internalise reflecting on how they would respond and act in that situation.
If our temperament is quite a strong one and we have opinions that are strongly expressed, sometimes our children can be overwhelmed by the power that this exhumes. I have seen many situations where strong-willed parents who express a powerful voice have children who respond meekly to situations. They feel they have no independent voice.
The child feels safer not to express themselves as they fear a response from parents. Silence is a powerful tool which children come to understand. If you are a parent with a strong persona and recognise within yourself that your opinions are well expressed consider the following:
Are you allowing your child to develop their own voice?
Is your child simply going quiet and not disclosing their feelings?
Are you giving your child the opportunity to express themselves in an open and non-judgemental way?
When consequences need to be put in place do you involve the child in the process and show strong listening skills with your child?
Often children with strong parents use silence as a way of excluding themselves from opinion and conflict. Remember if you want long term engagement with your child you need to engage them in a way that gives them a sense of being heard and valued.
Children who feel not included or underpowered with strong parents who have a very assertive way of communicating can simply shut down. It’s safer that way! This gives them immunity from being attacked or feeling a failure. It becomes a habit not to engage and so the relationship drifts. Many a child I spoke to over the years as Principal, admitted that it was easier to be silent than have opinions.
Consider the following thoughts to ensure that your child feels included and valued.
When having discussions at home ask your child what thoughts they have on the matter? Listen with intent and affirm their opinions. Show little reaction. Be interested.
Make it clear to your child that their opinion is valued and included in family conversations. Start asking their opinion more often even on simple matters.
Talk about how you like to communicate and discuss how different ways of communicating are valued.
“Sometimes I like to express my opinions in a strong way as I feel passionate about different things. I guess I can be a little loud at times. However, many people express their passions in a different way.”
Point out people that you admire who get their message across in a calmer, less noisy fashion. Admire the different styles.
Invite your child to have an opinion. Listen and affirm their efforts. Applaud how they communicate with others.
“You spoke so well about your feelings on the environment. I love how you talk to people about such matters”.
Children listen and learn from parents. Your style of communication is also carefully noted by your child. They will respond to the invitation given to them from parents. Allow your child to develop their own voice.
Just when you think everything in your family is sitting cosily, along comes change. Yes, it is true. The nature of families continues to evolve and change, as you and the children experience normal life experiences and the children start to grow. It was common at school for parents to ask how can their beautiful, innocent child that demonstrated sweetness and light suddenly become difficult and present such unattractive behaviour.
Young parents sending their first child to school were always being surprised at the changes their child was making in their first year. Suddenly the child’s exposure to so many other influences loomed loud in their life.
Finally, families are a living, breathing organism that needs regular emotional nourishment from within.
As a family there are certain factors that drive a healthy life across all the age periods that the child and family will experience. Nothing remains constant. Families will experience changes for a variety of reasons that will influence your child’s response. For example, you may go back to work after being at home for some time. A crisis, perhaps a death or illness can have a big impact on how a family operates and how emotionally they feel. As a family there could be crisis which has major changes in the life of everyone. Schools can change, teachers can move schools suddenly, destabilising your child’s feeling of being secure. A child being ill can impact on their emotional response to situations, a new arrival appears in the family and so the list goes on.
What we are saying here is that there are several consistently sound factors that healthy families can live with comfortably, which incorporates and accepts change. Of course, a major feature of late is the adjustments we are all making with Covid 19 in our life. Let’s look at some stable aspects to a family that will help us weather the storm as our family evolves over the years.
The first thought is to accept that change is inevitable and that you welcome the change and various aspects of growth that you notice in your child. This may mean accepting some differences that challenge you as well.
As a family talk about open communication and how you welcome talking about changing ideas, beliefs and values that your child is coming across. Let them know that you respect their growth which will come with the introduction of challenging thoughts and values.
Children become quite sensitive about their friends. Welcome all types into your home. This reassures your child that you value their opinion. You may have some concerns but there are ways and means of having discussions later that do not put judgement on their choices.
As a family try different things across the years. More of the same has its value but if a child wants to try a different sport, activity etc. have ago with them in testing difference.
Compliment them on their growing awareness of life. Sometimes children become anxious to express a different opinion in the house. Welcome and invite different opinions with your children. This leads to healthy, open discussion. Merely enforcing your values only limits the conversation. It certainly doesn’t mean that they will adopt your values in the longer term.
If and when something of a major nature occurs in the family, be open and honest with your child. Of course, providing age appropriate information is necessary. However, the child needs to feel included when the family is in crisis and needs to have an honest understanding of what has happened to change their lives.
It is important for a child to feel that their opinion matters. When they discuss new topics, which can cause you to have some concerns, be authentic in your response and genuinely interested in what they have to say. Open, honest discussion means that children will trust the importance of parents around them with their inner most thoughts. They feel safe sharing with trusting parents that listen respectfully.
It is valuable from time to time to talk as a family about what drives all of you. In this way, children have reinforced ideas about what makes their family tick. They accept and enjoy its uniqueness.
In working with children, I was impressed with the emotional maturity of children who felt comfortable in open and honest discussions with their parents. They would choose them as the first port of call when they had a problem. They also had no reservation in talking about unsettling topics given that they knew parents would be receptive to their discussion and value their thoughts.
Finally, families are a living, breathing organism that needs regular emotional nourishment from within. The family continues to be nourished by healthy discussion and the ability of all members, no matter what age to feel valued and credible as part of the group.
“To improve is to change,
to be perfect is to change often.”
Language and how we use it can be a tricky process. It can the vehicle for success in building relationships as well as being a destructive tool when used inappropriately. We often say one thing but mean another. Children are very quick to pick up on the negative of anything we say about them. Sometimes we refer to them in conversation casually and we may be subtly mentioning their inadequacies in some way, yet unaware of the damage caused.
It is amazing how in a school setting a child will quickly pick up on any aspect of a teacher’s conversation that referred to them or especially to their poor performance. They are quick to personalise statements that we make as they seek out our support and most importantly look for how much they are valued in your eyes.
How we talk about our children matters.
It was quite common for a child who felt devalued to literally down tools and not perform or react through poor behaviour. It sometimes took considerable time to establish what was the problem and it often came down to some personal statement made by the teacher which they interpreted for themselves as negative.
We have the ear and heart of our children. We are very visible to them and they are very sensitised to how and what we say especially when it affects them.
This article suggests a few ideas on how to talk about the best of your child wherever possible.
If you have nothing positive to say at the time say nothing. Silence is golden when you are not sure about what to say. It causes no harm and gives you time to rethink the situation.
Notice the little things that you can comment on throughout the day:
“Well done. You know how to set a table.”
“Great effort starting your homework”.
“Bravo for cleaning the table so well.”
“You are fast at picking up the Lego blocks.”
“I always like your smile it makes me feel good.”
Notice that these quick conversations are small ego boosters and meant to keep up the reassurance to your child that they are valued and achieve well in your eyes.
If you need to talk about other matters such as poor behaviour etc. remember to end on a positive note.
“I’m sorry that you shouted at your brother. You are usually such a gentle person.”
Note that you are reminding the child that you look for the positive aspect of the child but recognise that they make mistakes which must be addressed.
When talking to others and referring to your child build in some positive talk.
“John would love to play with your friend. He is really good with younger children.”
Talking about the best of your child brings out the best in your child. They enjoy hearing you talk about what you enjoy about them and the more public you are, the more you give voice to their valued character.
When a child needs discipline and behaviour is unacceptable, this is a time for effective active listening to establish what has led to the behaviour. This should be followed with some consequences through negotiation and discussion. It should, however, end with giving your child those words of reassurance that highlight how much you value them and trust in their character.
Talking about the best in your child intermittently is building the foundation blocks of strong relationship and reassurance for the child. If you are inclined to be less verbal about positive things you notice in your child, this could be a good time to start verbalising positive aspects of your child. It will be a door opener to a better relationship.
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”
How often do we get the timing right or wrong with our children?
It is amazing how dealing with issues at the right time can make such a difference with children. Also, with adults being approached when you are in the better frame of mood is more likely to be successful for all concerned.
Children are also prone to having better times and less suitable times in which to discuss important matters. Often we mistake a no response for meaning they don’t know or care. This can be completely missing the mark.
We all know that bedtime which is a quieter period is a great time for one on one talks.
Do you feel like your child is not listening to you?
Sometimes in the rush of the day and in the moment, when we want solutions or answers, we press our children for a response. Sometimes this is not forthcoming and can result in frustration all around. The beauty of choosing the most effective time means that you are more inclined to be successful in getting the best response. Think about yourself for a moment. When you are feeling unwell or your mind is on important matters, you show less interest in being responsive to other people’s questions and requests. In fact, we can become quite irritable at the demand that is put on us at that time. Similarly, children have the same response.
Here are some tips on how to use timing to your advantage:
Consider how tired the child is at that time. Tired children listen with less interest.
Is your child well enough to give you the response you want?
When asking an important question reflect on how much input there is around for the child. Are they focussed on other matters perhaps watching their favourite television show etc? A preoccupied child is not a great listener.
Choose times when the child is relaxed and not too focussed. Some parents find asking questions while driving children in the car is an excellent time to get a response.
When seeking out some information, phrase your question in simple terms without emotion. If you are feeling quite emotive about the matter in hand this is not the right time to get the best response.
Ask questions when you are feeling ready. If you are busy and loaded with emotional agendas this is not the best time for a child to give you what you need. A child is quick to pick up your pace and will give you a safe response.
Happy times is also a good time to step into the realm of questioning. If a child feels relaxed and happy, they are more responsive in their talk and feel less vulnerable.
If your child is feeling pressured over different matters this is not the best time to talk about extra issues, they can wait. A mentally overloaded child will simply shut down or demonstrate poor behaviour when it all gets too much.
When considering when to ask tricky questions, ensure that you have built a positive framework or platform with your child. This may mean affirming them and acknowledging their contributions when you talk about matters.
If the environment around you is noisy and busy consider the suitability of the timing. Everyone including children and adults do not respond well with too much environmental noise and disruption.
If you ask an important question and you get a negative response just remind yourself that for some reason your child is not ready to respond. Perhaps say:
“It seems not the right time to talk about that at the moment. I will chat with you later.” This also gives the child some preparation in thinking about their response.
If you have several issues to talk about with your child only try talking about one issue first. Children process information quite differently using a different pace. Overloading questions all at once will give you no satisfaction with the response you receive.
Remember not to become too frustrated when you choose a time and it doesn’t work out. We are not mind readers and sometimes a child just needs some space and we need to respect that fact.
In working with children at school, timing was everything. You certainly knew when you had failed by the look and response of the child. It was necessary to respect all the various influences that came into the daily life of the child and measure the best time to engage in important conversation.
It is also worth thinking through what and how you want to ask your child questions. Planning when to talk to them is all about using effective timing to suit both you and the child.
Ever wondered what your time span is for listening to others? I imagine it would vary subject to the person, fatigue and interest in the topic. The point is that as we talk to people, the longer the sentence and overall conversation, the greater the propensity for our attention span to drop off. Now think about our children. They are not yet as well developed as adults in concentration and the younger the child, the more limited they are in hearing everything you have to say.
Also, it is well known that if your child is anxious or feels distracted, the likelihood of them hearing all of what you had to say will deteriorate very quickly. If there is an important message you wish to give a child, especially a pre-schooler, it is worth asking them to repeat it back so that you understand if they took in the key message.
Also, our tone of voice can impact on how much a child hears and processes. The more aggressive we sound, the more the child will shut down and only hear the hostility.
It is also true that if we give long explanations to a child, no matter how informative the information, they will process in chunks of information and they may not get the full impact of what you are saying. In fact, it is possible that if the explanation is very long, they can chunk concepts together which make their understanding completely incorrect. Teachers are very aware of how children process information.
Here we learn that when we want to give an explanation to a child, we should consider their age, attention span, wellness, timing and interest in concentrating at the time. If a child has plenty of distractions around them, they will not find it easy to concentrate on the explanation.
I recommend that you choose your time wisely. Then consider what is the actual information that you want to give your child and construct your sentences clearly, keeping them short. The more you add to your explanations, the more complicated the processing for the child. Also, with longer explanations, opinions, attitudes values etc. creep into what you are saying which can cloud the real purpose of the conversation.
In working with children, despite having considerable experience in this field, I would still regularly check myself and reflect on what I wanted to say. It was important to be succinct and clear. Using vocabulary that suited the age of the child was most important. When I gave long explanations to children, it was not uncommon that they would return with the words, “I don’t know what …. means?” This was a clear message to me that they had lost the content of what I was saying.
Consider the following as tools to help talk to children in ways that will engage them and give you the best response.
Think before you speak. Is it important at that time to discuss the matter? Can it wait for a time where the child will be more receptive? Are you adequately prepared to give the best explanation?
Choose words carefully and if discussing an important matter use vocabulary that is simple and direct.
Short, sharp sentences are the best to get your message across to the child.
Wait for a response rather that charging in quickly again. Children need that time to process what you have said. A little silence in between talking is quite acceptable.
Have a positive tone to your voice that is not loud or sharp. Children only hear the aggravation and not the words.
Always acknowledge their listening.
“Thanks for listening today. Now we can get on with dinner.”
If uncertain that a child has understood what you had to say, gently ask them to repeat what you said, do this in a positive way encouraging the child.
“Can you just tell me again what I said?”
When you wait for a response, be positive as negative body language can shut down the child’s response and limit their comprehension of what you had to say.
This article is all about getting the best from our conversations and not building up frustration when we think they are not listening. Perhaps they are not really listening and so we need to examine how we deliver the message to the child.
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”
The power of words has such an impact on our children. Think about words used by your family when you were a child. Perhaps they were reinforcing or rather damaging. Either way, words are powerful tools in influencing our self-image. How we express ourselves reveals a lot about who we are to others and especially to our children.
This does not mean that parents should be wordsmiths but it does suggest that what we say to our children and how we deliver the message needs to be thought through carefully. Consider these two statements.
How are you delivering messages to your children?
“Clean the table it is full of leftover dishes.”
“I would appreciate you cleaning the table as it will make such a difference.”
or perhaps,
“I love a clean table. Thanks for your help. Let’s clean it up.”
Ultimately the goal here is to clean the table but how we express it requires clear messages to your child and highlights your mood, temperament and how you desire to engage with the child.
Also consider the choice of words.
“That is a stupid thing to do.”
or,
“Doing that has caused some problems.”
When talking to children, they will always look for intent and seek clarity in what you say. Given that they seek approval from you they need to have conversations with you that are not destructive or display irrationality. Of course, when you need to discuss and deal with unacceptable behaviour, you will need to speak to them with assurity and firmness but I recommend the following.
Say what you need to say and no more. Sometimes in our anxiety to deal with the matter other issues are brought into the conversation which can blur the whole purpose of the conversation.
If you think that you will not handle the conversation well, then delay the timing of the discussion. Better to use effective language later rather than use poor language when unsettled.
Remember that when a child is anxious, they often do not hear or process the whole conversation. Use gentle words that are listenable and clear to the child.
“I want to talk to you about the broken glass on the floor. It seems that you knocked over the vase when you were running. Do you remember our discussion about running around the room?”
Take care not to use language such as stupid, dumb, silly. Often the child focuses on these words which cloud their feelings of self-worth when you are talking to them.
On a positive note, when you affirm a child use language that is recognisable and valued by the child. Use familiar, comforting words in which they can identify.
“I am so impressed with your efforts. Well done.”
Keep sentences short and sharp when wanting to deliver messages and take care not to change the tone of your conversation along the way.
The words we use and how we phrase our words dictates to many people how we interpret the world. Your child sees you as a major model in their life and will mimic your style as they get older. It was quite common to see in class, children who sound so much like their parents. Never underestimate how your language influences your child.
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice. ”
Have you ever noticed how we alter our behaviour, body language etc. when we are talking to our children?
Are we ever consistent in the way we communicate with them?
It is easy to understand that mood, temperament, personality etc. can influence how we talk to our children. This article is about being consistent when you talk to a child in the following ways:
Your child deserves you in all its authenticity and human face.
Keep the same tone of voice with the child. This applies to any situation whether upset, or simply instructing a child. The same tone of voice ensures the child will listen with more intent.
When we talk, introduce what you have to say as clearly as possible. The more complicated we talk to our children, the quicker they disconnect from what we have to say.
“I want to talk to you about the toys in your bedroom. We need to think about where we put them.”
Keep your language simple. This is especially the case with younger children and when we have something important to say to our child.
Using the same tone of voice, do not imitate other people when talking. A child knows you very well and they expect and trust the legitimate you.
Consider the volume of your voice and be consistent with using the same volume. Try keeping a gentle tone in the voice. Children are quick to pick up a change of attitude through the volume and tone of voice. It is a strong cue to your mood and temperament.
Try keeping a positive tone to your conversations. Being optimistic tells the child that we look on the bright side of life. It teaches them that optimism is an enlivening way to communicate.
When you are simply being consistent in how you talk, consistent in how you behave and react to situations, the child feels that they can trust the legitimacy of your words. They are more inclined to listen with interest and will not disengage when they sense a change of tone etc.
I always remember a child saying to me on one occasion:
“Why are you speaking differently to me, Mrs Smith?”
When I reflected on this it was because I was in a hurry, a little annoyed and anxious to move on with another matter. I wasn’t expecting to be dealing with the issue concerning this child. How pointless was the conversation with the child and how damaging to their image of how I communicated with them? Could they rely on how I spoke to them next time?
Whilst I appreciate being consistent is not always easy, consider the following tips to help:
Don’t say anything if you are not able to operate well with the child. No damage is done from being silent.
Tell the child that today I feel unwell or unable to have a chat so we will follow it through when things are normal. Be of course honest in why you are postponing the conversation.
Try smiling more and give good eye contact to your child. Don’t forget humour is helpful in being relaxed and being yourself.
Sit comfortably and be in a relaxed state when chatting about matters.
Busy, noisy places tend to cause us to react and we become busy, noisy, people ourselves.
This article is simply reminding us that the child deserves you in all its authenticity and human face. They feel safer and more secure when they are talking to their parent whom they know and love and most importantly is consistent, predictable and trustworthy.
“Being authentic will radiate more pure energy than trying to be an ideal person.”
How many times in our daily interactions with our children do we become reactive, emotionally charged given that disasters have happened? This is quite normal in our busy, complicated lives and when the incidence happens, behaviour deteriorates. We naturally react, after all it has to be dealt with sometimes on the spot. Unfortunate words are used, regrets then follow and of course we become concerned that we have damaged our relationship with our children. Does this sound like a normal scenario in your house? Parents would often tell me how tired they felt after these confrontations.
This article is all about practising the art of being proactive. I refer to it as an art, as it takes practice and skill to avoid problems, foresee tricky situations and carefully negotiate your way around them.
Being proactive has some wonderful outcomes both for child and parent:
Be alert to possible issues that can get out of hand for a smoother day for all.
It slows down everyone’s anxiety.
It makes for a calmer house - a quieter, less disruptive house.
It reduces conflict. Everyone enjoys the freedom from conflict.
It provides opportunities to affirm your child rather that disciplining them following an incident.
It causes less reaction and children feel more secure and less conscious of making mistakes.
Yes, there is much going for being proactive.
Here are some suggestions on learning the art of being proactive.
Check your daily plan. Are there occasions where your child could be unsettled. For example, supermarket visits. Is it possible to change schedules and can they be excluded from them?
Be aware of tiredness levels. If the activities planned are physically demanding and back to back, perhaps reducing activities so they cope better is the answer. Fatigue can be an immediate trigger for the change in a child’s behaviour. It often affects their ability to listen and so the escalation of poor behaviour continues unabated.
Attending meetings, appointments in the morning is always less stressful for children. Be planned. Take with you happy distractions when attending appointments etc.
Talk to your child before going out in the day. Let them know what will happen and let them suggest how they can plan to be content and fulfilled during events.
If you have some news to tell them that will cause some anxiety, think through how you will talk to them and choose appropriate time and place to chat about the matter.
At the end of the day check in with them.
“Thanks for being helpful today. I was able to get all the things done we needed to do.”
Look at the layout of your house. Is it set up to ensure less accidents, broken objects etc? It is amazing how rearranging furniture, the television etc. can impact on a child’s ability to cope in the house. Teachers would often rearrange desks and tables to introduce a new way of just being in the classroom.
If sibling fighting is occurring more than normal, check where the children are situated. Are they visible to yourself? Are there occasions where they can be separated to reduce tension? Do you know the triggers to the dispute?
Is your yard set up for activities that the children can enjoy and be active? Home yards are great environments in which to destress when tension mounts in the house. Even short five-minute breaks reduce the pressure between children.
Short, sharp breaks with your children help ward off incidences. If for example, in the shopping centre, can you stop and have a drink etc. to break the mounting tension?
Sometimes it is a matter of stopping the activity midstream so that you do not become reactive when behaviour is deteriorating. Read the signs that your child gives you.
Check on your own capabilities, wellness and fatigue. If you are not able to positively manage the day activities can things be changed or simply reduced? A simple reduction can make such a difference to a child’s ability to cope.
Use simple “I” statements to alert your child about the situation.
“I am feeling unwell at the moment. Please play outside and I will talk to you later about the matter.”
When working with children it was most important to engage with them when I felt ready, had adequate time and was able to offer something positive in the conversation. Whilst this sounds ideal, the point here was to not destroy the relationship by being reactive in how I spoke due to being rushed, distracted etc.
Teachers are well aware that to get the best from their children, their personal readiness, wellness and mental fitness is necessary otherwise chaos can prevail and then they deal with reactive behaviours for the day.
It is natural to be dealing with all sorts of incidences that crop up throughout your day as a parent. This article is reminding us to be alert to possible issues that can get out of hand. Finding ways to avoid such incidences is a very positive and heathy approach to parenting.
“Being successful requires being proactive and not waiting for life to come to you. It means you’re on offense. Not defence. You’re active not passive.”
Sometimes words stick! Especially if they are offensive.
The old saying:
“Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me” …
Remember, children don’t always hear the whole sentence and can take in one word only.
Totally untrue! I would say that most issues on the school yard that ended in fights were caused by the use of inappropriate words, simply name calling.
In my experience angry, upset children who were cross with their parents, teachers or friends would talk about the words that were used against them.
“Don’t be silly. The answer is in the book”
“You play footy like a monkey. You walk funny.”
Now in each of the above statements the person speaking would naturally deny that they called a child a name. Actually, all the child heard was the name and that made them feel very uncomfortable and hurt. They quickly identified with the name.
“That was a silly thing to do. The lid was clearly on the bench.”
All the child hears is that they were called “silly” while the person making the statement would say that they referred to the act of being silly and not the person. Too late! All that is heard and interpreted is the word “silly”.
Teachers often find themselves in a dilemma with students if they slip in their use of such words. They take care not to use words like silly, dumb stupid etc. as the child takes on the message that it refers to them.
Here are some common words we often use in our language. These are words which children internalise and consequently feel poorly as a result. Once the word is heard, the rest of what is said falls short.
Words such as silly, dumb, stupid, ugly, ridiculous, lazy, careless, selfish, ignorant. I have heard children complaining of all of the above words being used on them.
Using words that are internalised by the child, even though you were not intending them to be personalised are often remembered for quite a while with children.
It is best to take the safest route with children and avoid such words in your conversations no matter in what context you were using them.
You would be surprised how quickly those words do hurt them and chip away at their feelings of self-worth.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will definitely hurt me!”
How often do our children ask us why? Often due to fatigue we just simply say “because” or “I said so.”
This response has a very short shelf life and the child will come back with more questions. The purpose of this article is to recognise that answering a child with honesty and truth is so important. If we do not offer reasonable explanations, it is common practice that they will seek answers elsewhere and this is not recommended.
Of course, younger children may ask many questions which can become tedious and repetitive. However, it is important to start the habit early of giving the child a reasonable response that is clear and accurate.
A noisy, questioning child is less at risk than a quiet child who shuts down regularly.
Keep your responses short and to the point.
Always check in with your child if they understood your response. Keep the question on hold if you can’t answer straight away.
If you do not know the answer then say so.
“I don’t know why that car is damaged”
If you do not have the answer but can find the answer later, just say so.
“I don’t know why the tree is damaged. I will find out and tell you later.”
Affirm the child for being inquisitive and show interest in the inquiring nature of the child.
“You have many questions. I can see how interested you are in so many things.”
Try not to shut the child down when asking questions, especially if they tend to repeat the same questions. This often means that they are still unclear about the reasons given.
The questioning is a normal part of growing up. The key point here is to let your child know that you value the question and will answer when you have the information.
This is all about bringing the child back to the same source, the parent when asking questions.
When working with children, it was important to listen carefully to the questions being asked as they were a key to how the child felt about a particular situation. It also was an entry point to talk about important matters.
“Tell me more about how you felt when that happened.”
Teachers use an inquiry method of teaching which is all about the child asking questions and working through the learning by posing questions.
“You seem concerned about your maths test. Do you want to discuss it now?”
When a child asks repeated questions about the same topic it could be a cue that they have worries or concerns that need to be addressed. Simply respond to the series of questions by saying,
“Something is on your mind and I would like us to talk about it when you are ready.”
Children asking questions give us a clue to how they are processing, what are their interests and what preoccupies their thinking. This is helpful in supporting their needs physically and emotionally.
A noisy, questioning child is less at risk than a quiet child who shuts down regularly.
Above all, give the strong impression to the child that questioning about the world, how they feel and what makes us tick are all part of being a healthy, mentally active child who does not feel the boundaries of controlling their thinking.
“Children will learn to explore when they are given the opportunities to do so and not given a reason why they cannot.”
The minute we start talking we reveal much about ourselves. The intonation of our speech and the expressions we use are learnt habits and no surprises, become learnt habits for your children.
This article is to give us some idea about how we can use language to build relationships with our children, ward off problems and act proactively when communicating around and with our children.
Firstly, it is helpful to recognise that our moods and general health will affect how we communicate. The best advice to give here is to always do less, talk less and slow down, using less communication if you are feeling vulnerable in discussing matters. This is acting proactively and reducing dialogue that can be damaging.
The following are suggestions to assist in providing effective language when around children.
This article is to give us some idea about how we can use language to build relationships with our children.
Remember to use the child’s name when talking to them and avoiding using “you” and other nicknames that are not considered endearing names.
In talking, take care to slow down especially when taking about some important matter. Talking too fast, sets up a feeling of anxiousness and a need for an immediate response.
Try to build in positive, reassuring language:
“I love that happy face when we clean your room”
“Television is finished and its bedtime. Sleep is a great time to rest that body.”
Use the same tones when talking. A child will pick up very quickly when the tone changes. They will then try to interpret your attitude, sometimes.
Use comfortable language and not use swear words or words that can be interpreted with aggressive undertones. Language such as… I am disappointed, angry upset etc. all suit expressing your feelings.
In talking to children, try to avoid abbreviations as the child will learn the habit of completing sentences well.
Some families introduce new words once a week. They then practice using the word to include it in their speech.
Carefully think through what you want to say, rather than correcting yourself. This helps the child recognise the clarity in your conversation.
In working with children, the rule was always… talk to the child in your regular tone of voice when you are well prepared with what you need to say. This ensures that the child does not get confused and you are in a better situation to talk with clarity and in an unemotional way. There is nothing more frustrating than someone talking to you about an issue and they are confused, unclear, repetitive or unsettled about what they want to say.
Sometimes talking in simple sentences with a small breathing space in between statements is helpful to children, as they are learning to process information.
Watch the dramatics when talking. They can also be confusing for the child providing inaccurate messages.
Choosing good language phrased as positively as possible has the best chance of being received well. Roadblocks to a child come from language that is intimidating, loud and confusing.
Also be careful not to change your language using a different style of talk to your child. Whilst the age of the child will dictate the language used, there is still a common way to talk across children and adults.
If you are inclined to talk calmy and in an even pace, this would apply to both child and adult. Remember that there is an emotional message in what you have to say. The child will always look for that hidden message sometimes at the detriment of hearing what was said.
If a child responds to your conversation and they are completely not on target with what you had to say, this is a red light sign that they have not actually heard what you had to say.
Our language is a powerful tool which over the centuries has been used for good and evil. As a parent we have such a rich opportunity in building strong, confident children, who use language as a force to get their message across in the most effective way possible. They learn this through how we distribute our messages.
“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”
Who wants to change their behaviour when you can’t find any reason to change? Think about your own situation. No amount of pressure motivates you to change your behaviour unless you see the value in the way, it affects you, it makes a difference etc. We are all motivated by change when it has relevance and serves a purpose that you understand.
How many times do you find yourself just repeating the same instructions to your child and your level of frustration continues to grow sometimes disproportionately to the situation? Repeated requests or instructions to do something become less effective as time goes on. The child’s listening drops off and all sorts of distractions coincidentally get in the way for the child. No surprises there!
Here are some thoughts on how best to change behaviour that you believe is important to change:
Always check in with yourself and establish if changing the behaviour is necessary. There are degrees of necessity. For example, do you want the child’s room cleaned straight away, dishes complete or something more substantial like cooperating to get to school on time.
Remember that the child needs to value the change or at least see that the changed behaviour had an impact on you.
“I need help this morning in getting to school on time as I will then not be late for work. That makes me feel so much better.”
Notice here that you are letting them know that their support will have a positive impact on you. The child may after all have little motivation to get to school on time and so they are more inclined to cooperate if it makes a difference to you.
Be clear in what you ask. Repeated instructions with increased agitation only cause shutdowns and major meltdowns on your part. If your child does not listen and change the behaviour, you will need to sit them down and approach the request from a different angle. Simply telling them how disappointed you are will not motive the change in behaviour.
Take care not to expect a consistent change in behaviour. This then becomes more robotic. Children are after all human and when the child does respond to your request take care to thank them.
“Thanks for helping with your little brother. I have now more time to myself”.
Consider how much change in behaviour you are seeking in any one day or in any one morning or afternoon block. Too much preoccupation in giving instructions loses its momentum after a while.
Choose your language carefully and reflect on what you are asking them to do. Is the expectation too high? Are they in a frame of mind to manage the changed behaviour or are they preoccupied? Timing is everything and you want success rather than a feeling of your child not listening and responding.
Keep in mind fatigue and their ability to listen on that occasion. Sometimes their readiness to change isn’t present. Therefore, how important is it to press the issue of change.
Setting positive, repeated patterns is the best way to change behaviour. Therefore, affirm and acknowledge their efforts in supporting change regularly.
“Thanks for tidying the kitchen yesterday. Cooking is now so much easier”
In working with children, timing was a key factor in attempting to change behaviour. Teachers are always conscious to notice children spontaneously changing behaviour in the classroom and affirming it. It is given a great deal of attention in the class when a child shows real growth in changing what is seen as inappropriate behaviour.
Similarly, if your child recognises that they need to improve or change behaviour and they independently do it, that is a cause for celebration. A time to acknowledge how they thought about the impact they had on others. This is simply learning about empathy.
The more they develop an awareness of their impact on others, the more inclined they will be to spontaneously change behaviour. That is incredible personal growth and a raised awareness of caring for others. Something to be celebrated in the family.
As a parent it is worth highlighting to your child how others change behaviour for the betterment of those around them. Of course, modelling our own ability to change behaviour is a valuable lesson for the child.
“I always enjoy listening to my music, but it will wake the baby.”
Here we tell our child that I need to change my behaviour as it will have an impact on another.
“Fortunately most human behaviour is learnt observationally through modelling from others.”
How often do we ask questions and realise the answer was all about bad timing? How about when we plan activities and find its all too much due to poor timing, being tired, too busy, unwell etc.
Choosing the right time to get the best response, change of behaviour, higher level of understanding etc, depends on whether the recipient is in the best mental and physical space to listen and respond.
This article is all about sharpening our awareness of timing in all that we do especially with regard to vulnerable children.
Teachers are very skilled at managing timing issues, as they know that to get the best response from the children, they need to choose a time that is best placed for the activity. They will often check timetables, ensure all children will be available, inform parents well in advance and check to see that weather or other school conditions do not compromise their planned event. The lesson we take from this is that if you want the best response from your child, think carefully about the obstacles that could impinge success.
Here are some suggestions to contemplate finding the best time to talk to your child about important matters.
For example:
Is your child well?
Are they preoccupied?
Are they anxious about matters that preoccupy them.
Are they distracted by friends, television etc.
Are you talking to them about an important matter when they just want to play outside straight away
Sometimes just after school, before school, getting into cars etc are excitable times and not suitable for discussions about important matters.
Consider how often you have been talking to them about important matters. Are they on overload?
When working with children, if I had to discuss some issue with a child, I would check to ensure that I was not taking them away from an important activity to them, such as sport, art etc. This seems to them like a punishment and they are distracted from the discussion. Timing is everything.
Here are some suggestions to contemplate finding the best time.
Bedtime, when all is quiet is often a popular time to discuss important matters.
Seek out times when the child is alone and happy to engage in conversation.
Find times when you are doing activities together such as cooking, playing with Lego etc.
Choose times when you are receptive to listening what they have to say. You need to create your personal time when you bring up matters that you wish to discuss. Timing for you is also important.
Always follow through if the timing does not work out.
“It seems we need to finish this conversations at another time. Let's do it when we have me more time together.”
Take stock of your own wellness when approaching important conversations or situations. Timing includes the best time for you to discuss matters as well the child.
Reflect on what you need to say. If it is quite emotive, the timing for discussion must be in a safe place, where you feel ready to discuss the matter and you feel the child will be receptive and not distracted.
Always check who is around as timing can be influenced by the presence of others such as siblings, other parent, friends, people about to arrive, phone ringing, etc.
Parents can become quite frustrated when poor timing does not resolve a matter. This can lead to built up resentment and then an outburst of frustration which has poor outcomes for everybody. Parents can begin to think that avoidance is happening. Perhaps it is, but it is often driven by the incorrect use of timing.
Keep in mind that intuitive people carefully recognise the signs around them and choose wisely when getting the best from other people. The more astute you are in timing, the greater likelihood of getting the best response.
We are all trying our best to be the parent who knows everything about their children.
After all, the more we know, the more we can be helpful.
Well maybe.
There is quite a fine line with regard to this issue.
We need, as a parent, to carefully manage our questioning and our probing into their lives. No surprises, that sometimes our children just shut down on us and when asking such questions as:
What is the best way engage with your child?
“How was school today?”
All you get in response is:
“Good.”
This is the great one liner “Good” that many parents are given when asking questions that we think are reasonable and fair. Parents often think that when they receive such an answer their children are either disengaged or hopeful that you will just go away!
As an adult are you always keen to answer questions at work and at home? Sometimes we are keen that such a question will just go away. It is also the case with our children. Sometimes they are just not ready to answer the question.
What we need to be careful about is how we ask questions. If they are constant, repetitive and irritating, a child will shut down. Probing questions are evident when we keep at the issue, asking about it in several ways.
“Where did you go?”
“What did you do then?”
“What did they say?”
“What did you do then?”
Such frequent probing just causes a child to shut down.
Where to now?
The best way to keep engaged with your child is firstly to respect the fact that sometimes they are just not ready to answer questions. This can be for many reasons including feeling inadequate or anxious about the consequences, tired or simply wanting some space from the issue. This latter point is often the case just after school.
It is best to pose questions in an open-ended way with no set expectation of an answer. For example:
“I was wondering how you went today?”
“When ready, let me know how you went on that test”
“Sounds like your day was very busy. I wonder what made it so busy?”
Note here that there is an invitation to respond and not a probing question or demand. It implies, I am really interested in the matter but I am happy to hear about it when you are ready to respond.
In working with children, it was important to phrase questions or inquiries in similar, non probing or threatening terms.
“Today it sounds like you had some troubles. I wonder what went right and what went wrong?”
The more you invite responses with no direct or demanding expectation for an answer but rather you are pondering and wondering about the matter, the more likely you will receive a response.
Here are a few final tips on the matter.
Take care to only ask one question at a time. Several questions given at once, causes shutdown.
Be relaxed when posing the questions where no intimidation is apparent in your body language.
If you are feeling anxious or tired consider the suitability of the timing in asking the questions.
Consider how important the question is at the time. You will be more successful in getting responses when the timing is right and the child does not have too many preoccupations.
It is also helpful to thank the child for giving you an answer.
“Thanks for keeping me informed. I now know why you were late.”
Remember a child responds best to warmth and non threatening situations where they feel there is no judgement. Posing probing questions can put blame and anxiety on to the child.
Keep your stance consistently positive as best as possible to preserve the relationship.
“The most effective people know how to ask great questions and to learn from listening.”