We all feel disappointed from time to time in our children’s behaviour. If we are a very structured and self-disciplined person sometimes it’s hard to understand how our children can operate quite differently to us. Accepting behaviour that is quite unattractive perhaps embarrassing and hard to understand can sometimes bring us quite down.

Where did that child come from? After all, I didn’t give them that bad example of poor behaviour. It certainly doesn’t come from me!

Here we need to put things into perspective. When a child misbehaves, they are being children and acting as a child would act when unsettled about some matter. The behaviour you witness, like everyone’s behaviour, is driven by some issue that is unsettling them. What you see is the manifestation of that upset. It is only behaviour and should not be internalised as something with deeper and more sinister meaning.

Sometimes we only see the poor behaviour and we attempt to overanalyse it, concentrating on the unsettled aspects of the behaviour.

“Perhaps my child has a deeper problem?”

“Are we setting a poor example?”

“I need to be stricter.”

“What must people think of us?”

“Is he getting that behaviour from school?”

The mind begins to conjure up reasons for that disturbing behaviour.

This article is not discussing the nature of the problem which leads to the behaviour, it is about our response to the behaviour and how we come to understand it for what it really is, childlike behaviour.

Here are some thoughts on how to respond.

Be calm and steady when the incident happens. It is only an incident. It will pass. Tomorrow is another day.
Remember that once the problem is solved you need to move on and not continue to reflect on the poor behaviour. For the child, it has passed once resolved. Children have no awareness of how we interpret the behaviour.
A child will be quite unsettled if you continue to harbour on the poor behaviour. For them, it was their meltdown and what is more important is the resolution of the problem not the nature of the meltdown.
Take care not to talk around the child about how disappointed you were and how you don’t want to see that behaviour again.
A child may have different problems and manifest them in different behavioural ways. Don’t be expecting that this pattern will change. When a new problem comes along, they could have a completely different response to it subject to age, tiredness and circumstance.

Teachers are very skilled in moving on from their children’s poor behaviour. Whilst they do not like the experience, they recognise that it will pass once dealt with and in order to keep the relationship with the child, they need to demonstrate that they also have moved on.

I am not for a minute suggesting that poor behaviour is tolerated. It needs to be understood. The parent should use active listening and problem solving to resolve the matter. What I am saying is, not to let the resentment feelings linger longer in the mind of the parent.

Your child will be childlike for some time and will from time to time display unattractive behaviour. We simply need to see it for what it is and put it in perspective. This helps our children understand that you can move on from situations that have made you unhappy.

“The kids who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways.”

— Unknown