Are you being a builder or a blamer?
Are you being a builder or a blamer?
Are you more inclined to find out what and who caused the problem or do you recognise the problem as an opportunity to build on and strengthen a child’s knowledge and relationship with you?
There are definitely two ways to see the situation and I invite you to reflect on how you approach a problem that you may be having with your child. Sometimes, it is difficult to find the positive in difficult situations but this article is encouraging you to be a builder and not so much the blamer. When we blame, we are looking for accountability and guilt? It can be a damming situation for a child when they feel that blame is all that is the focus. With blame comes being judgemental and downing the person. The person being blamed can feel shame and remorse. There are no positive feelings if blame is just given without any understanding.
However, it is possible to understand the problem, be aware of who is responsible and still work to improved changes. It is about reacting well and dealing with something positively. There will be lessons to learn and an opportunity to move on.
“I understand that you broke the glass. Let’s look at how we can avoid that situation from happening again.”
Here you acknowledge that there has been some accountability and that you can move on with a positive plan for the future. Here it is about using an incident and putting structures in place to ensure that it doesn’t happen again. It takes away the heavy sense of blame and guilt and puts in place some positive reminders that doing something positive has better emotional outcomes. It is more about taking charge of the situation rather than becoming absorbed or fixated into the error of the deed.
Consider these ideas:
Check in with yourself to find out if you are more inclined to blame when something happens.
Are you a person who is quick to react? This can lead to blaming very quickly.
Think about yourself as a proactive person. Can you see more of the solution rather than the problem when it happens? Can you learn to see the problem as an opportunity? It may mean reducing some of the initial angry response which can happen when an incident occurs.
Children who are used to being blamed can easily learn to avoid being honest. We all become anxious when we are around people who are quick to judge and blame.
A child will respect being honest as important if they are dealing with an adult that is fair and looks to solving problems rather than being quick to temper and blame.
“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.”