Getting back on track after a damage to the relationship with your child
We all go through cycles, from being strong and happy in our relationship, to needing some damage control. Given our human frailty, we often make mistakes. We can become tired and less able-bodied in giving the right response at the right time. Our children are also human and may react in ways that we find unusual or confusing. This can be driven by fatigue, anxiety, misunderstanding etc. Our human condition reminds us that being in a perfect relationship is not the case all the time.
What we need to develop are some skills that help us recover from the damage and move on quickly. The last thing we want is prolonged silences or continued poor behaviour which can escalate quickly.
Consider:
We cannot always be prepared but keep the value of silence up your sleeve. In other words, when an incident happens and your readiness to respond is not there, try walking away, delaying the conversation. Quick unprepared responses can create more damage. Silence does not add to the problem. Of course, prolonged silences do.
If an incident has occurred have some suitable words ready.
‘I can see that you are not happy by your behaviours, we need to sit down and talk about it.’
Best to do this than to react to the poor behaviour
When in discussion about the breakdown, be in a calm space. If you are agitated the child will pick up the vibes and be more resistant.
Have the discussion at a time that suits you and in an environment without noise and interruption from other family members. It does not take much to unsettle such situations.
For a very young child, it is more about a tantrum, speak softly and approach it using words that are gentle and do not sound too intimidating.
If after the discussion there are some consequences, try to involve your child in making a decision about how those consequences should be. Make it a negotiation.
Timing is everything. Teachers are very skilled in choosing their time to talk to children when damage has occurred, sometimes the wait makes for a better result.
Remember that when a breakdown occurs, both yourself and your child feel poorly. Never underestimate that even though they appear angry, they are feeling the loss and trust of the relationship which they need.
After there is reparation, keep the mood positive and make sure that you have moved on. Carrying residual anger or disappointment can only further damage the relationship and delay healing.
Finally, keep in mind that no matter how sad or disappointed you feel about the breakdown, you are dealing with a child’s problem. Keep things into perspective so that life goes on, both you and your child are happy and peace in your relationship continues.
‘The wound is not my fault. But the healing is my responsibility.’
-Marianne Williamson