Are you the type of parent that becomes determined to deal with every conflictual situation that comes your way with your child? If so, are you exhausted? I would suggest that you consider choosing your battles and making well-informed decisions about the important matters that affect you and the family.

Teachers are very skilled at choosing their battles. They recognise that there are many factors that can impinge on a child’s behaviour from day to day. They try to understand what those factors are and this will guide them on how to respond when unacceptable behavioural issues occur. Sometimes they simply avoid noticing problems to reduce built-up tensions with the child in the classroom.

Here are a few thoughts on why choosing your battles is important in maintaining a strong and happy relationship with your child:

Remember that there are many triggers that can set off poor behaviour which can escalate quickly. Before spontaneously reacting try to understand and listen to your child before responding too quickly. You may learn what drove the behaviour.
Reflect on how quickly you react to situations. Is it possible for you to slow down and reflect a little deeper on the matter before you react? Are their triggers that set you off?
Some of the behaviours that you dislike in your child, are they small irritants and can some of them be let go. The less we find ourselves reacting to children’s behaviour, the calmer we feel and also the child.
You will gain a better response from your child if you only target problems that really need to be addressed. Challenging everything from slamming the door to being untidy can reduce a child’s interest in responding positively. They begin to see you as the nagger and their attention to your concerns is less.
When you do target the serious matters do it in a way where you express your concerns and talk about the impact the behaviour has had on you and others.
‘I am disappointed that you hit your brother. He is now upset and it will take some time for me to settle him down.’ Here you are expressing really sound reasons about an incident that needs to be addressed. Choosing this battle will be effective and not clouded by smaller less important issues. This way the child knows that it is a serious business.
In choosing the important battles, this is a good time to really reflect on what are the triggers that really upset you. Remember that some of the smaller matters may not even have value or concern to other members of the family. What drives your feelings of disappointment?
Remember that many children’s behaviours are not done to get your attention or to annoy you. In fact, some are done simply to satisfy themselves. For example, playing in the mud, banging on pots etc. The challenge for you, the parent is to decide on what is important in their behaviour to change. What, within reason can you ignore? What is disturbing to you and the family? Can you tolerate some behaviour that simply is done for pleasure? It is worth reflecting on why you want or need to change some behaviour. After more reflection, you may be surprised at what you can let go. The more relaxed you become about incidentals, the better balanced you are in recognising what are significant problems.

Finally, it is a balancing act. Choose the battles that are necessary to change inappropriate behaviour, but loosen up on the less important behaviour that from time to time cross your path.

      ‘Pick your battles.
      You don’t have to show up to every
        ARGUMENT you are invited to.’
        -Mandy Hale