Choose your battles
Here are a few thoughts on why choosing your battles is important in maintaining a strong and happy relationship with your child:
Read MoreHow to motivate children to change behaviour.
Who wants to change their behaviour when you can’t find any reason to change? Think about your own situation. No amount of pressure motivates you to change your behaviour unless you see the value in the way, it affects you, it makes a difference etc. We are all motivated by change when it has relevance and serves a purpose that you understand.
How many times do you find yourself just repeating the same instructions to your child and your level of frustration continues to grow sometimes disproportionately to the situation? Repeated requests or instructions to do something become less effective as time goes on. The child’s listening drops off and all sorts of distractions coincidentally get in the way for the child. No surprises there!
Here are some thoughts on how best to change behaviour that you believe is important to change:
Always check in with yourself and establish if changing the behaviour is necessary. There are degrees of necessity. For example, do you want the child’s room cleaned straight away, dishes complete or something more substantial like cooperating to get to school on time.
Remember that the child needs to value the change or at least see that the changed behaviour had an impact on you.
“I need help this morning in getting to school on time as I will then not be late for work. That makes me feel so much better.”
Notice here that you are letting them know that their support will have a positive impact on you. The child may after all have little motivation to get to school on time and so they are more inclined to cooperate if it makes a difference to you.
Be clear in what you ask. Repeated instructions with increased agitation only cause shutdowns and major meltdowns on your part. If your child does not listen and change the behaviour, you will need to sit them down and approach the request from a different angle. Simply telling them how disappointed you are will not motive the change in behaviour.
Take care not to expect a consistent change in behaviour. This then becomes more robotic. Children are after all human and when the child does respond to your request take care to thank them.
“Thanks for helping with your little brother. I have now more time to myself”.
Consider how much change in behaviour you are seeking in any one day or in any one morning or afternoon block. Too much preoccupation in giving instructions loses its momentum after a while.
Choose your language carefully and reflect on what you are asking them to do. Is the expectation too high? Are they in a frame of mind to manage the changed behaviour or are they preoccupied? Timing is everything and you want success rather than a feeling of your child not listening and responding.
Keep in mind fatigue and their ability to listen on that occasion. Sometimes their readiness to change isn’t present. Therefore, how important is it to press the issue of change.
Setting positive, repeated patterns is the best way to change behaviour. Therefore, affirm and acknowledge their efforts in supporting change regularly.
“Thanks for tidying the kitchen yesterday. Cooking is now so much easier”
In working with children, timing was a key factor in attempting to change behaviour. Teachers are always conscious to notice children spontaneously changing behaviour in the classroom and affirming it. It is given a great deal of attention in the class when a child shows real growth in changing what is seen as inappropriate behaviour.
Similarly, if your child recognises that they need to improve or change behaviour and they independently do it, that is a cause for celebration. A time to acknowledge how they thought about the impact they had on others. This is simply learning about empathy.
The more they develop an awareness of their impact on others, the more inclined they will be to spontaneously change behaviour. That is incredible personal growth and a raised awareness of caring for others. Something to be celebrated in the family.
As a parent it is worth highlighting to your child how others change behaviour for the betterment of those around them. Of course, modelling our own ability to change behaviour is a valuable lesson for the child.
“I always enjoy listening to my music, but it will wake the baby.”
Here we tell our child that I need to change my behaviour as it will have an impact on another.
“Fortunately most human behaviour is learnt observationally through modelling from others.”
Take care to avoid inappropriate use of punishment.
This is a precautionary word about the use of ineffective punishment at home.
I appreciate that when we get disappointed and angry with unacceptable behaviour, we can be quite reactive in disciplining children. Our response to our child often comes from your own experience in being reared and also your perception on life, timing, tiredness, etc.
When we see disappointing and unacceptable behaviour, it is natural to be unsettled and feel the desire to set the child on the right track. Sometimes, in anger we set punishments that are disproportionate and simply over reactive. It is incorrect to think that the more severe consequences, the greater likelihood the behaviour will change. In fact, the reverse often happens which causes the parent to spiral further down in frustration.
Remember that when we see behaviour that is unacceptable, we need to primarily find the drivers that led to that behaviour. This is best done through active listening which I have mentioned in many articles.
Once the active listening uncovers the real reason for the behaviour , the parent is in a better situation to understand, have less reaction time and begin to talk through the issue.
Here are some very obvious reasons why over reactive inappropriate punishment can lead to further disengagement with your child:
How much punishment is too much punishment?
Children learn quickly what to say to parents who over react. They develop a 'sixth sense' to protect themselves and this will involve further poor behaviour.
Avoidance becomes a way of life for a child who feels that understanding is low in a parent and consequences for behavior are profound. They become 'street smart' around their parents which will involve spending less quality time with the parent.
Another tactic used by children is to water down the truth, create alternative stories to what really happened for fear of consequences. A child can become quite skilled in diverting the truth when fearful of parental reaction.
A child will gravitate around someone that listens and places no judgement on them. If they feel that they cannot get effective listening from parents they will seek out others with which to discuss their problems. Such company may not be the best for the child but they will seek reassurance.
A child who hides the truth for fear of consequences actually becomes very sad. This can lead to further emotional complications over time.
The following are suggestions to keep your child engaged with you despite inappropriate behavior.
·Let them know that you can be trusted. You will listen and plan to understand before setting consequences and they will be actively involved in setting those consequences.
As a family talk about how important it is to be truthful and give examples of how this leads to better outcomes.
Know your tolerance levels. If you have low tolerance for certain behavior, are you the best parent to deal with that matter?
It is also useful to talk about mistakes you made as a child and how it was dealt with in your childhood. If it was poorly managed, stress how you want to avoid repeating this pattern with your child. If the management was helpful and positive to you the child, discuss how you want to emulate such parenting.
Take care not to discuss how other parents manage discipline. Children reflect on your thoughts about such matters.
When discussing matters that are emotive and could lead to consequences, ensure that you are talking to them in a safe place and not a public venue. Children need space to process what is being said to them. It also shows respect for their privacy. It is best to say:
“We need to discuss what just happened. When we are at home we can talk further about the matter.”
Remember that your child will gravitate around the parent that shows warmth, authenticity and fairness. Giving consequences is generally acceptable to children, if it is done with both parent and child understanding its purpose and equally being engaged in the process.
Once consequences are given, move on quickly with no reference to earlier situations.
Keep everything in proportion. After all, you are dealing with children's behavior. They are gradually developing their sense of reason and will be looking to the parent for encouragement along the way. Understand that making mistakes is an opportunity to grow.
The child you understand at six years of age will be quite different at nine or twelve. Allow them time to process their behaviour and understand it in the context of their life.
“In my world there are No Bad Kids.
Just impressionable, conflicted young people, wrestling with emotions and impulses
Trying to communicate their feelings and needs the only way they know how.”
Setting the limits.
This can be a tricky one for some families. Where and what constitutes limits? How do I manage setting limits that are different from other families? Can limits vary from situation to situation?
Let’s discuss why limits are important. They are necessary to give the child boundaries, so that they know exactly what they are dealing with and to give clear and accurate directions to your child.
If a child has no understanding of boundaries they cannot measure success, achievement and above all they have no awareness of what standards you have put in place. In most situations they do want to please and giving no direction only confuses them. As the parent children do expect such guidance. Imagine starting a job without a set of criteria and rules to govern how you work.
Every family should have a strong policy that setting boundaries is part of their family life. The boundaries you set may be different from other families. Your expectations, family circumstances etc. are unique to yourselves.
Of course there will be challenges. In fact, the challenges children give us in stretching limits are also a time for families to discuss their values and to adjust boundaries as they see children grow and cope with challenges. Setting limits is also very much about you in managing your parenting.
Remember that setting boundaries gives you the parent, the ability to reflect on your own parenting. This may mean changing directions from time to time and being flexible when boundaries need adjustment as the child grows into different stages.
Consider the following thoughts when setting boundaries for children.
Every family should have a strong policy that setting boundaries is part of their family life.
· Be clear in what you say. Keep the directions simple.
· Set a boundary that is within reason for the age of the child.
“ You can play in the front yard but do not go beyond the gate”
“That party will be possible. However, I will pick you up at 10:00pm.”
Remember that a boundary should be natural and the consequences logical should the child go over the limits.
Ensure that when you set a limit, it is fair and just. Also, it is most important that the child understands why you have set the limit.
Keep in mind that from time to time, the limits set may change, especially if the child demonstrates an ability to honour the limit. Regular affirmation of the child is helpful when limits are honoured.
Discuss as a family why setting limits is important to you the parent. In the discussion, highlight how it helps you support their needs and at the same time supports your responsible parenting.
Teachers discuss limits intermittently throughout the day. They could not teach effectively without the ability to set limits. It could be regarding curriculum matters, discipline, setting goals, sport etc.
Children understand that setting limits gives them direction., strengthens self discipline and further builds cooperation between teacher and child. They have a better understanding of what is expected of them and they can assess how successful they were in the light of the limits and goals set.
No surprises that a child from time to time will challenge limits set and that family tension becomes a growth curve for parent and child.
It is a natural tension that if handled carefully and with respect of both parties, ensures that child and parent grow together.
“Caring for children is a dance between setting appropriate limits as caretakers and avoiding unnecessary power struggles that result in unhappiness.”
Confronting poor behaviour can be daunting
This is something that parents face regularly. One of the questions parents ask is how do they deal with this issue and at the same time do not damage their relationship with their child? Firstly, let me assure you that your child innately knows that you love them unconditionally. Sometimes how we act can confuse them, but they do believe in your absolute love for them.
Even if you lose your temper and react too much, the child still recognises that you love them. Having said that, less damage is caused by setting up a situation where you let the child know how disappointed you are in the behaviour, as it has impacted on some aspect of your family life etc.
Consider the following tips to help deal with confrontation and still keep the relationship between you and the child, a happy one.
- Choose a calm time to talk about the incident that is upsetting you. Reacting straight away can cause you to over react and anger interferes with rational conversation. If the matter is right in front of you say. " I'm upset, we will talk about this a little later."
This gives you time to be more rational when talking to your child. It also allows time to calm down and perhaps see the situation with less hostility. Sometimes, you have time to gather more understandings around the situation reducing the problem and your anger. Be consistent and still follow through with a conversation. Have the discussion with your child with no one else around, in a quiet space and where the child is more inclined to listen. This is all about setting the best scene to get the best results from the conversation.
- Choose a morning time to talk about the matter if possible, as a child's attention span and calmness is at its peak. Otherwise try at night when putting the child to bed. This is often a personal one on one time which the child enjoys. "I would like to talk to you about something that happened today that has upset me."
Once the issue is understood and resolved in some way, it is most important to acknowledge the process that you just went through and affirm the child for being part of it. "Thanks for working through the problem that was upsetting me. Together we were able to sort it all out".
Keep in mind that once the resolution is made in solving the problem it is important to move on, affirm the child when it doesn't happen again and give the child the benefit of the doubt that they can solve problems well.
When working with children over issues, I found it most important that the child knew the issue was now behind us and our relationship was back to normal. This is all about the child feeling valued even though mistakes happen all around us from day to day.
This is all about the child feeling valued even though mistakes happen all around us from day to day.
What do we do when we don't like the behaviour?
Have you ever felt negatively about your child? Some parents tell me that they often feel guilty as they have negative feelings about their child. This is quite natural. What you are feeling is just a dislike for their behaviour which can be unsettling, embarrassing, tiring etc. What we need to remember is that it is just the behaviour and not the child that unsettles us.
When working with children, I often notice that the expression a child has on their face can influence whether people believe the child or doubt them. Sometimes these expressions can be misleading as they represent feeling insecure and uncertain. They do not often reflect that the child does not care about the behaviour. So I recommend not judging a child's expression as often it just reflects an inability to deal with the situation.
As a parent, think about the following when feeling unsettled about the behaviour;
- I love my child but I don't like the behaviour, therefore, we talk just about the behaviour. "I really don't like what just happened. We need to understand what really happened so that we can move on.”
- Always reaffirm the child after working through the behaviour matter. This reassures them that everything is back to normal.
- Sometimes writing notes of reassurance gives the child a feeling that you have moved on. The note could say,” thanks for solving that problem that was on my mind. Now we can look forward to..........."
It is all about separating the behaviour from the child, reassuring the child that we move on from mistakes and grow through the process, maintaining a healthy, long-lasting relationship.
Don't like the behaviour? Remember, it's the behaviour, not child.