Some might just say it is all in the interpretation. Often when we have conversations with our children, we naturally presume that they fully understand and grasp the concepts that are being discussed. Younger children, especially preschoolers may only hear part of what you had to say as they will process some of the conversation but not necessarily all of the conversation.

Older children may still struggle to hear and process all of what you have to say to them. This will most definitely be the case if you are angry or disappointed and talk to them in a frustrated way.

When teachers talk to children about some concern they may have, they receive a better response when they speak slowly and only cover one or two concepts. Long protracted sentences will not be internalised by the child.

In working with children, it was very apparent that I carefully spoke in simple and short sentences.

“I would like to talk to you about......”

It was then that you mention the issue but only one or two facts at a time.

“When the incident happened you got very angry”

“When you were angry you ......”

When you listen to what they say, take care not to then barrage them with too much detail. Simply talk about the matter at hand.

When working with children through problems, it was common to first ensure that they were listening and not too anxious. Anxiety is such an emotional blocker and the child will simply shut down.

The following tips are to help parents when they need to talk about issues with their child:

Use shorter sentences to describe the issue.
Remember to listen as soon as you have expressed your concern.
Allow silence to happen between conversations with the child. This is their way of processing.
Be empathetic to their listening skills understanding that they may not have interpreted your concerns at first.
Repeating the concern is fine but it should be done gently and with no frustration in the voice.
Remember that younger children will need simple sentences with the language being used easily understandable for them.
Language used by you should not be emotive. Do not use emotive words such as silly, stupid, dumb in your sentences as they will focus on those words and often ignore the content of what you are saying.

A child can shut down in various ways. Some simply get angry and reactive. Some go silent. Some appear to ignore the conversation. When the shut down occurs, check in that the child understood what you actually had to say, rather than becoming angry that they did not respond. Becoming angry only escalates the issue of the child not hearing what you have to say.

This article is about ensuring that when you talk to your child about a matter that needs discussion, you are reassured that they understood what you had to say.

Often you hear parents say:

“ my child never listens to me”.

I often heard from a child:

“I don't know what mum wants from me.”

Take care to be simple and clear in how you talk to your child. Less words said well can often be more effective.

“ But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought”

— George Orwell 1984