How to deal with outbursts of anger.

Let’s consider the age of the child for this matter. Younger children when they have fits of rage are often expressing disappointments etc. with very little language and so, to them, having a full-on outburst is their way of sending out very loud messages that their needs are not being met. When such an outburst occurs and it is a high one, there is little you can do at the time, other than keep the child safe and wait! Sounds useless but once a child is in an uncontrollable state no logic, nor reasonable conversation will be heard. The child is simply zoned out. Their emotions have taken over and they are not capable of responding to your pleas. When they have calmed down and you feel that they are more in control, than that is the time to simply say:

‘You have been so upset; something is making you feel that way.’

Gentle conversation and listening to their concerns are now the best time to discuss what happened. Keep in mind with some children, they may not fully understand how unsettled they became during the crisis and they may need some emotional chill out time to really calm down. Common practice at school when a child was out of control was to keep them safe in a room and simply wait until they calmed down. Teachers know that high order emotions are not a time to discuss problems.

When older children have an outburst of anger, care must be taken to ensure they are safe. This is always the first priority. Once again whilst they are in a severely distressed state, there is little you can do, except be patient. Offer no criticism, just reassuring words. Accept that this is not a time to talk about the problem. Allow time for the child to calm down and take care even then about discussing the matter at hand. Some parents may choose to say:

‘Something has really upset you and when you feel ready, I would like to talk to you about it.’

Remember the following important points when there are serious outbursts of anger.

• Time out to calm down is the best and most effective response.

• When you talk to your child later about the outburst, keep in mind that they may not actually think the outburst was such a problem. When you are out of control, you are not aware on what is disturbed and unsettled around you.

• You may be quite upset about the outburst. You may also be angry that the outburst was such a disturbance. Take care not to be carrying any of this hostility around when talking about the outburst. Choose your time well.

• Once the outburst is over, you may find your child quite tired as a lot of energy goes into these outbursts. Be prepared to allow some time for your child to mentally rest from the experience.

• An outburst, depending on the age of the child, can be about a little matter, but it could also be about a matter that they simply cannot resolve any other way. When talking about the outburst, take care not to understate the importance to the child.

• Often with young children, they cannot express themselves well. Their language and ability to process thoughts are limited and so the outburst is one way of drawing attention to themselves. Take care not to be too disciplinarian about the outburst as it is for them a means of expressing themselves. Older children, who use outbursts, are more a concern as generally, they choose to be emotional in a public way, rather than use language and other means to help them. Such children need careful support to strengthen their ability to communicate their messages better.

• Keep in mind that if you demonstrate in your own life that outbursts are your way of coping with stress, you are telling your child that this behaviour is acceptable.

Above all, keep in mind that outbursts are about sending us a message of being unhappy. Our parental job is to gently decipher the problem after the outbursts have passed when we observe that the child is in a better space to listen. This of course may be more about their time rather than ours. Patience is needed.

“The kids who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways.”

— ~

Teaching our children to take on responsibility

This is all about giving them gradual independence to manage themselves. As they grow in independence they will certainly come across situations where they are uncomfortable, exposed to failure and feel generally unsatisfied with their efforts. These are all-natural feelings. Sometimes as parents we think by taking the responsibility away from them, they will have less pain and besides what if they make a mistake? How will they feel?

As the child grows in independence, they also grow in taking on their own responsibility for things. This teaches them to own the situation. There is much satisfaction with a child when they start to take responsibility. This gives them a sense of self-worth and a feeling of growing up as a real person. There is nothing more enriching than having that feeling of making decisions yourself.

Our role as parents is to support this gradual development and watch with joy our young one taking on responsibility.

Teachers know that in order for children to learn effectively they need to take ownership of their learning. During the school day, teachers will provide situations where children will make informed decisions on what they learn and how they learn. At parent-teacher interviews, there is nothing more satisfying for a parent than to hear that their child is a responsible learner. This has come about by gradually learning to take risks and to make responsible choices for themselves.

Teachers know that success only comes from accepting responsibility.

You will be amazed how small opportunities to take on responsibility will increase self-esteem once they are successful in showing responsibility.

Consider the following thoughts to build stamina in your child with regard to taking on responsibility:

• Consider your own life situation. Are you a person that models responsibility and ownership of situations? Talk to your child about why this has been important to you over the years.

• Do you have a list of chores at home that your child must do as part of the family routine? Could these chores grow in responsibility as the child gets older and demonstrates their growing strength in this area?

• If you are having a holiday, get your child involved in the planning and being responsible for certain duties. Perhaps they take ownership of packing their bags, researching venues etc.

• Talk about the responsibility of doing tasks at school. We know that leadership develops in children who show strong skills in being responsible. School captains are chosen from those children who demonstrate strong skills in being responsible. Teachers frequently set up monitors in classrooms on a rotation basis giving children responsibilities to manage.

• Talk about how you value your child’s growing awareness and interest in taking on responsibility. Take care not to rescue your child too soon after disaster strikes as this will only disengage your child from taking on responsibility. It also delays any further interest in being responsible.

• For those children reticent to be independent, give them small opportunities to be independent. You will be amazed how this will grow once they are successful in showing responsibility.

• We live in a world where the safety of our children is paramount and to this end, I can understand how we are cautious parents in giving them too much responsibility and independence early.

I would argue that with gradual responsibility being handed to them, they are stronger and more confident young people. They are more observant of life around them when being responsible for themselves. They confidently and intuitively show skill in navigating their way around difficult situations and are much happier in themselves being in control.

“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.”

— Denis Waitley

Discipline or restorative healing?

No question about it, from time to time we need to use discipline with our children. I prefer to refer to it as ‘setting up consequences’ as the word discipline to me has harsh undertones. It alludes to administering harsh measures that can be felt for some time. After all, consequences are more about inviting your child to understand their actions and to deal with them in a responsible way. This does not in any way undermine the responsibility of the unacceptable action. In fact, it invites the child to take ownership of making mistakes.

Schools often use a method called restorative practice. It is primarily about a child acknowledging their wrongdoing after much listening and reflection. Together with the teacher, they put in place restorative action that will have consequences and healing for all parties. It encourages self-discipline and self-control. It invites children to reflect on their actions in the light of the problem.

This involves talking to children in a positive way about their behaviour.

          “I am very disappointed that you broke that vase.

Together we need to find a way of dealing with this.”

You can invite the child to find the appropriate consequences and together you plan a way forward. Often using this method, you will find the child is quite hard on themselves. Care must be taken to work on the best consequences for the problem not always the harshest.

          “Now that we have dealt with this matter, how can we avoid it happening again?”

 Here we invite some proactive thoughts on moving forward and avoiding the same problem. 

Also, affirm the child once the behaviour and consequences are complete.

“Well done. You understand that what you did was wrong and you have made me feel better now. We can move on.”

The most important part of giving consequences is to move forward after the consequences are finished. For the child, the most important part of healing is knowing that they are forgiven and that you still love them despite their problems.

Try to be less angry when the incident occurs. Anger can escalate the child’s fear of giving the best response to the situation.

 A few thoughts:

• Try to be less angry when the incident occurs. Anger can escalate the child’s fear of giving the best response to the situation. Anger only encourages the child to shut down. Teachers understand very well that if they express anger without listening to the child, they will lose credibility. Solving the problem and moving on effectively then becomes a much bigger problem.

• Keep everything in proportion. How serious was the problem? Perhaps it just needed a simple reminder?

• Do the consequences fit the behaviour?

• Are you taking over too much of the resolution and not including your child in the discussion throughout the process?

• Check-in with your child after the resolution of the problem. Is your relationship intact after dealing with the behaviour?

• Check-in with yourself to ensure that you have moved on. Carry no bitterness or malice.

• Remember that many of the problems are about being a child, making mistakes and learning to grow. They will be short term and in a child’s life, there will be many repeated times to deal with consequences. Therefore, take it all in your stride and do not personalise issues.

• If you have noticed an increased need to put consequences in place, check-in with your relationship with the child. Is all well in this area? Do I need to take time out to spend some individual healing time with my child?

Finally, whenever you have dealt with a problem, discussed the matter and dealt fairly with consequences, there will be growth and hopefully a broadening of understanding where forgiveness, mutual understanding and empathy grow.

“Conflict is not a problem that needs solving but a phenomenon that needs understanding.”

— Dominic Berter.

Teaching children the value of finishing.

In our busy world there are some aspects of our work which may never get finished, however teaching our children that completing tasks, finishing agreed goals is a very satisfying and important way of being.

To value finishing a task, etc. is to have the maturity to know that completion is satisfying and healthy.

Children are busy little bees who can start activities and walk away from them quite easily. This is partly due to their age, span of concentration and shifting interests. No matter what age, we can teach them slowly the art and grace of finishing.

Teachers know how important it is to teach children to complete their tasks in class. They will plan to allow enough time or will make  optional ways for a child to finish their work. It is all about the importance of actually finishing. As children grow older, they are taught that their performance at school will also be judged on their ability to complete tasks. So, from an early age working towards completing tasks, projects etc. is considered a valuable tool in learning. Incomplete work is considered poor performance.

We can teach our children the importance of finishing by our own actions. Consider:

• When you complete a task talk about how it feels to have it finished.

“I feel so glad that I finished mowing the lawn. It is a job well done.”

• Affirm your child when they demonstrate that they have finished tasks.

“Well done. Your homework is complete now. You still have some free time before dinner.”

• Draw up a list of tasks to do for the week. Tick them off when complete. Show your child how much satisfaction you gain from ticking off that list. Each item ticked off is a job behind you.

• Encourage your child to come back to tasks incomplete. Remind them that no matter how much time is needed, completion is all about being successful.

“You have taken some time to clean up your Lego on the floor, but now it is all complete. Well done. The floor is so tidy.”

• Remind your child that there is no satisfaction in not finishing. The joy comes from completing the task and then comfortably moving on.

• Talk about some aspect of your work that gave you satisfaction once it was completed. Highlight the satisfying feeling you gained from completion. Also, what changed or grew as a result of completing the work?

Teaching your child, the satisfaction of finishing teaches them to appreciate and look forward to moving on. New horizons are born from completing tasks.

“If you’re brave enough to start, you’re strong enough to finish.”

— Gary Ryan Blair

Growing up in a generation where it is all about me

It is sad to say but our children are very much part of a generation where considering themselves as the all-important one is a feature of their life. Whilst there are sound factors in looking after yourself and putting yourself forward to ensure safety, improvement and ongoing development, it can at times come at the cost of thinking of others.

Our children are being moulded into their own generation and will model and develop ways and means of being, subject to the development of that culture. This is natural. What I am suggesting is to be a parental model that introduces the strong presence of compassion, unselfishness and gratitude into their life.

The more children see and live in the presence of such values they are more inclined to use them in their own experiences. The more they see their parents utilising these values in their own lives with others and themselves, they grow more inclined to model what they are taught.

Consider the following thoughts which offers some positive ways to present those virtues in the life of the child.

Do your children experience parental model that introduces the strong presence of compassion, unselfishness and gratitude into their life?

• Talk openly about kind acts that you notice around you. Compliment your child when they demonstrate thoughtfulness to others. Encourage them to look for the generous spirit of others

“I was so impressed when I saw how your friend shared his toys.”

• Many of the movies you share together as a family often carry simple messages about humility and gratefulness. Talk about these virtues as a family. Of course, you can teach a great deal through reading books together.

• When you are working through problems with your child, consider how you are communicating with them and how you show compassion through their problems.

• Do you become overwhelmed by the issue or do you discuss it with a calm disposition and a tolerance for mistakes?

• Developing highly effective listening skills with your child is an excellent way to demonstrate that you are a calm and reasonable person who values their child.

• Take care in choosing the right language when speaking to your children. Positive language that is consistent and reinforcing to the child is very important. Take care that inappropriate or indirect name-calling is not present.

• When discussing situations with your child that may be on the news or perhaps issues that have happened at school always look to being compassionate in how you interpret the situation. Definitely stay away from the “blame game” and from talking inappropriately about a person. Here you are teaching your child that you respect the integrity of others even though the situation may be difficult.

• When your child talks about their special needs here you can open up their thinking to think of others.

“I understand that you were hurt with rough play but I wonder if others also felt that pain?”

• Sharing and collaborating are great skills to develop. Where possible teach your child to be inclusive and to reach out to others. Demonstrate this in your own life when dealing with others.

“Those chocolates look lovely that grandma gave you. Do you plan to share them with your friends?”

• The idea here is to encourage thinking of others as more important in sharing in the pleasure than simply eating them alone.

• When opportunities present invite people into your child’s life. This teaches them that sharing experiences has more joy in it than being in isolation.

• Being inclusive with birthday parties, family social events etc. teaches your child to enjoy many and varied people.

• In a world where children are exposed to so much stimulus and with so many messages about firstly looking after yourself, it is important to build a balance between selfcare and the care and awareness of others.

Sound modelling from inclusive parents provides a climate in which a child learns to see the world from a much broader perspective.

“It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.”

— LR Knost

Teaching about cooperation

Some of us are better and more natural at this and others need to be taught. It is best to realise that teaching your child about cooperation is a safe way to ensure that they value it.

As children grow, they pass through various stages and of course self-centredness is one of them as a young child. It is not always natural that cooperation will automatically follow.

To teach about cooperation, we need to demonstrate in our own lives that we are cooperative people. In a family setting, there are many occasions when cooperating is required. The trick here is to ensure that your child recognises cooperation as an important tool for use in their life.

Schools work diligently to ensure that children see cooperation as a critical part of their daily work. Teachers will often place children in groups and expect that through cooperation and teamwork, the children will come to the best outcome. Whilst this is a skill expected and demanded of children at school, it sometimes needs plenty of reinforcement in the home. This can be the case when siblings are struggling to share, or if the eldest child takes control and demands their way.

Parents should use domestic occasions to ensure that cooperation is part of family life. This can be done through negotiation, or when families are doing activities together and discussion is had about how better they could work as a team. Playing formal games together is an excellent way to teach cooperation. I would use the word “cooperation” often in conversation. By your child negotiating with you point out that they are showing cooperation for a better collective outcome.

 “Well done! You both cooperated in that game and so through your combined efforts you won!”  

If you are watching a program together, where there is clear evidence that cooperation made a difference, talk about it.

Obvious areas where cooperation boldly stands out as a useful tool is sport. Without cooperation in teamwork, sport is not possible. Talk to your children about very skilled teams in netball and basketball that succeed due to their highly efficient teamwork and cooperative style.

Acknowledging a child when they demonstrate cooperation is also important. It is another time when the child recognises that there is value in cooperating.

Here are a few thoughts on focussing on cooperation in the family context.

• Let your child see that you use cooperation in your life as a means to be successful. Perhaps you are in a work situation where cooperation is used regularly.

• Read books with the child around cooperation and team work.

• When supporting the child in school-based activities, sports days etc, talk about how the child used cooperation to be successful. Often open days show you project work that the child has worked on in a group. These are great pieces for discussion with parents.

• In the car while driving, you can see how cooperation is all around. Talk about the crossing lady and how people cross the road using cooperation as a key to be safe and efficient.

• At the end of a school day it is worth just asking,

“Did you use cooperation today to make it a successful day?”

This article is about teaching cooperation to your child. You are raising their awareness that cooperation is part of their world and by using it, you become better rounded in your growth. The more you rely on it, the less self-centred you become and the more you realise that decision making and balanced intellectual growth comes from collective thinking and working together. It becomes a spontaneous way of life.

“Alone we are smart.
Together we are brilliant.”

— Steven Anderson.

Do we accept what parenting brings us?

Do we all want perfect children? I am not quite sure what that is “perfect”. In fact I would question any parent who says that their life as a parent is perfect and their children give them a perfect ride.

Life isn’t like that and the child will naturally want to grow and develop in ways that at times causes us some tension and stretches our imagination. Children are growing up in a different world to their parents and are being exposed to many and varied differences, not the least of which is technology driven.

Accept what parenting brings. It will take you on an amazing voyage where you will discover in yourself different and unexpected ways to grow. Imagine that! You too will grow with your child.

As a young parent we have expectations that we will be the best parent we can possibly be. I would say to this that you probably are but the unknown is how the child grows and how they manage their challenges in their world. How will they challenge us? How do we meet those challenges head on, or gradually work with them in consultative ways? These are the big questions.

In working with families, it was not uncommon to hear parents talk about the unacceptable challenges that were put in front of them. They had no expectations that parenting would challenge their values, their thinking, put them in uncomfortable positions and more importantly force them to operate in ways that they thought impossible. They were feeling uncomfortable.

Their whole world could be turned on its head by children’s behaviour and attitudes to life. Parents can also look around and find that parenting for others seems easier.

Here I say what a wonderful challenge for you, the parent, to be given the opportunity to think differently and to work closely with your child through their shifting world. Parenting should change and adapt to the growing needs of the child. It is not static and will demand the parent reflect on their values and ideas and at least consider different ways of looking at life.

Teachers can see from time to time the fatigue of parents in trying to understand their child’s behaviour or school performance. It was not uncommon as Principal to support teachers in their supporting of parents struggling with their child’s lack of achievements.

The question I pose here is, whether as a parent we become unhappy when the child’s behaviour is not what we expect. Are we expecting standards that suit us? Are we wanting them to operate like us?

Here are some thoughts on how to accept that parenting will surprise us and ultimately delight us.

• Take care to enjoy the differences you notice in your child. Often, we look for the similarities in our children and reward them. I was good at Maths and so I expect you to be as well.

• Be prepared to be surprised. This should be a regular feeling. Enjoy the moment and comment on the surprise.

“Wow. I am so impressed that you choose such different colours to wear out.”

• Talk about how you love the differences that you notice in your child. This gives the child a feeling that they can express themselves comfortably around you.

• As a family, talk about how everyone is different and how those differences make a wonderful family tapestry, rich in difference and woven with unique story and experiences.

• If there are behaviours etc., that you do not like and have reason to talk about them, do it in such a way that you are not stifling their right to see things differently.

“I would like to talk about those clothes you are choosing to wear to the beach. I have some concerns about their suitability. Perhaps let’s start by telling me why you think they are suitable.”

Here you are not condemning their ideas in fact you are demonstrating an interest in listening to their reasoning. Even if after negotiation the child will need to change their clothes, affirm the fact that they are developing their own style and this is a good thing. Include at least one aspect of their dress choice to show you value their opinion. Perhaps you could go shopping to learn more about what they like.

If the child realises that you value their opinions, they are less likely to be reactive to your opinions and values.

If parenting seems to bring less stress to other families from your observations, do not make comparisons especially verbally to your child. Your journey is unique to you and the child. Sometimes parents feel that they are burdened with more difficult children. Every family has their challenges.

Children will also compare if you are very visible and verbal about your burdened parenting. In working with children, I have heard them wish to be in another family so they can be like them. Be proud of the uniqueness of your own family.

Accept what parenting brings. It will take you on an amazing voyage where you will discover in yourself different and unexpected ways to grow. Imagine that! You too will grow with your child.

“There are two things a parent should give a child.

One is roots, the other is wings.”

— Author unknown

The value of putting structure into a child’s life

We all love some routine in our life. This gives us predictability and reassurance. We grow familiar with routine and we can rely on its regularity. Having said this, I would be the first to say introduce variety and flexibility into a child’s life. They need to create and explore outside the routine of everyday life. Being creative, stretching the imagination takes them into new territories of growth on so many levels. They also start to value being a risk-taker.

So, I have said it, providing variability is important for a child’s growth. This article is now a little in defence of routine and structure.

Learn how to provide the balance and choose occasions to allow both systems to thrive.

In a child’s life, they need periods to be calm and stable. They need predictability and this certainly comes with putting in place some suitable structures and boundaries. When a child’s world is turned upside down through, for example, family crisis the first thing they often crave is routines and boundaries. They are comforting and reassuring.

At the beginning of each school term, children love being back in the predictability of classroom routine. Here they can evaluate themselves and measure success more easily. There is a comfortable familiarity and measurability about the classroom.

In working with children who were having some anxiety issues, it was common practice to keep the environment in which we chatted consistent. It was also important that I maintained my usual predictable tones and worked in a familiar way with the child. These structures acted as a safe and predictable boundary in which to engage. The minute I stepped out of these boundaries, the child would become confused and struggle in responding to me comfortably.

Here are a few thoughts on putting boundaries and structures in place.

• Ensure the boundary is realistic and that the child understands the purpose of the boundary.

• Set up weekly routines at home with regard to basic issues such as homework routines, reading in bed, eating between meals etc. These can be discussed regularly with the family and renegotiated where necessary.

• Where possible invite your child into setting up routines for themselves. It is always much more likely to be successful if it comes from the child.

“What time do you think is reasonable for bed? Let’s discuss the jobs you have to do before bed to work out bedtime.”

• Discuss some routines you have set up for yourself. Talk about why the routine helps you in different ways.

• Talk about the structures that are set up in the classroom. This is an excellent way of talking about the value of structures.

“So, your teacher lets you eat snacks ten minutes before the bell. Why does she do this?”

• Pets are an excellent opportunity for a child to develop important structures that impact on a pet’s quality of life.

• If you are planning a holiday discuss with your child some structural issues that need to be considered.

“We are going camping soon, let’s make a list of important aspects of the trip that need to be considered.”

• Setting boundaries, establishing routines ensures that in the life of the child they are familiar with predictable parts of their life.  They can rely on knowing what will happen under certain conditions. The trick is to find a balance between providing structure and allowing the child to creatively explore the great unknown.

Too much controlling structure will stifle a child just as too much open-ended scenarios provides insecurity for the child. Learn how to provide the balance and choose occasions to allow both systems to thrive.

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit.”

— Aristotle  

Finding a balanced dose of media across the week

Do you often have a panic attack at home wondering have the children been watching too much television or using their technology for too long?  I imagine this happens from time to time as the family pressure on each week varies. It is difficult to find consistency in busy family life.

However, it is important to find the right balance with media and technology use, as excessive screen time can be limiting a child’s ability to converse, engage with other activities and of course it reduces reading hours, listening capacity, etc.

Here are some suggestions on trying to find the balance with use of technology at home.

Here are some suggestions on trying to find the balance.

• Look at the week ahead. Does it have a balanced approach afterschool?

• Are their certain TV programs that the child enjoys. Perhaps negotiate with your child when they watch such programs in the light of all the other chores and homework required for that week.

• Talk about the programs they enjoy watching on television. Find out what really interests your child in these programs and other interactive games. Don’t forget to always monitor the ratings.

• Be the positive model. Reduce your own personal time on the computer and television replacing them with family talk time or active family activities. The child needs to see that other ways of operating as a family are important and highly life-giving.

• Technology is embedded in our world and will especially be part of your child’s life. Talk about how they enjoy technology and discuss and research together the various ways in which technology has impacted on the global world. By doing this the child can reflect on the technological impact over the years. At the same time, they can reflect on the importance of other aspects of life that cannot be neglected. These are life-giving experiences that are not technologically driven.

• Consider the design of your home. Are their sections where it can be tech-free? This is important to set up in the house as it is another reminder that we can recreate without technology as a family.

• Introduce house rules about where computers are kept, where charging spots are located etc. Take control of all technology, thereby making it easy and visible to access for yourself. Bedrooms are notorious hiding spaces for children in which to overuse computers.

 Schools are constantly evaluating the use of technology in the classrooms. We have moved from believing that technology will drive every moment of our school day to recognising that children need to learn in different ways and that excessive dependence on technology diminishes a child’s capacity to think and process. For example, teamwork, group discussions, cooperative learning do not rely on technology. A child needs varied cooperative models of learning.

When considering family holidays consider having them without technology. Go camping, hiking etc. Outdoor activities are wonderful for taking the mind off technology. The child needs to learn life in so many varied ways not driven by a keypad!

There are some wonderful websites which teach the family about cyber safety. I recommend watching these video clips with your child as it gives you both important matters to discuss.

Also learn about how to take authority in blocking certain social media. Websites such as the police have excellent advice in this area. Also talk to your child’s school about what they are teaching the children with regard to cyber safety and other related matters. They often send excellent support material home to families. Schools also hold information nights about home use of technology.

 This article reminds us that we live in a technologically driven world which has an extraordinary capacity to influence our lives. Our children are embedded with the notion that living with technology is a natural process. What we do as parents is applaud the inevitable but put on the table all the options of enjoying and savouring life with and without technology. We demonstrate how it works reminding ourselves that our children have been born into a totally different disposition. What a difference a generation makes!

“Science and technology revolutionise our lives but memory, tradition and myth frame our response.”

— Arthur M Schlesinger

How important is it to be the winner with your child?

Ever thought about your tolerance level compared to others? Perhaps you have noticed some people who have very high tolerance and seem unaware of behaviour that you would find unaccepting. Sometimes we feel that if we let issues get away from us, the child will be completely lost, out of control and unmanageable. They grow up with little accountability, responsibility, etc.

This article is to remind us that we can let go a little and still find great success in managing our children. I have often reflected on all the children that went through my schools. I was fortunate to keep in touch with many and therefore, I had the joy in watching the children grow to young adulthood. Despite the struggles of parents and ups and downs in the family, most children grew into wonderfully well-rounded adults. Perhaps you could say “tongue in cheek” despite their parents!

What I learnt is that sometimes we take everything in rearing our children so seriously. They know and read our values very well. They also see how we live with them and around others. They notice our moods and temperaments and will often connect with us, subject to the ease with which we are approachable.

Ever thought about your tolerance level compared to others?

Above all we need to set the scene, to allow our children to engage comfortably with us. Sometimes in our conversations we outline valid points, but most of the time we aim to negotiate so that they also feel the winner. There are no rewards in parenting for being right all the time and for insisting on having your way. That borders on control and use of power.

 Consider the following in rearing your child:

• Be patient and understand that each situation is not the end of the world. It will pass and there will be other occasions to discuss as time goes by.

• Put things into proportion. It is a child’s problem and should be understood in that context. It will definitely pass and be replaced by yet another situation.

• Consider the long haul. You will be in discussion and negotiation with your child for years to come. Make it an enjoyable process for both of you.

• Sometimes letting go of principles can be the best outcome. Holding on to old principles can sometimes drag both yourself and the child down. Check in with yourself to see if what you are holding onto is worth the anxiety. The world keeps changing. How you were reared and the expectations of the community are now quite different. The challenges your child faces are different.

• Take a positive outlook to negotiation with your child and remind yourself how privileged you are to have this opportunity with your child. Happily exchanging thoughts and ideas with your child is a precious part of being a parent. Savour the occasions. If it all gets too much, simply hand the negotiation over to the other parent or simply create space between the discussion and the outcome.

• Remind yourself that the child you are talking to now will be changing in the next few years. What does that mean for negotiations? It means that fairness and understanding should always prevail in conversation not matter what age the child is at the time.

Teachers who have the privilege of teaching children more that once across their primary life will often talk about how the child had grown in negotiating and responding to different situations. Nothing is static with children. Therefore, how we work with our children, play or negotiate should also be organic. It should shift according to circumstances, wellness etc.

Our children are slowly learning about the human condition. When they engage with us, we need to let them see how justice and reasonability prevail at any age.

“Reduce life to its essence. It is mostly loving that matters…and lasts           ”

—    Keep life simple therapy ……Linus Mundy

It's just sibling business.

How often do you wonder when and if to interfere when siblings get angry with each other. Most parents try to settle the affairs with the best of intentions but sometimes, is it necessary to interfere?

Let us remind ourselves that all our children are significantly different in temperament, attitude to life, capacity to solve issues etc. No child develops in exactly the same way as each other.

Another compounding issue to create difference is the order of the sibling. Generally first children are more cautious, second children are more robust and by the time you get to third and fourth, they develop considerable survival and resilience skills, as parents treat them with considerable experience and more ease.

Teachers are always commenting on how different children in the same family learn and how they process information differently.

Here I say, let's celebrate the difference rather than feel the frustration of managing them!

When should we step into our children’s arguments and when shouldn’t we?

When they choose to fight consider the following:

• Is this issue worth my involvement?

• Is the conflict causing considerable distress to one of the children?

• Is there bullying of a younger sibling?

• Are their disagreements frequent or just occasional differences which are quite normal.

• Is it always about the same issue?

Once you establish whether you consider your involvement necessary, take care to:

• Talk to both children at separate times in a calm situation.

• Listen with fairness.

When the behaviour is understood suggest that some compromises should be made by both parties.

• Affirm the children for being prepared to calmly negotiate.

• Agree to check in later to see if that angry feeling still exists in some form.

By doing these steps you are further teaching the child, the art of negotiation without coming up with solutions yourself (these generally never work well!).

When working with children, I was very conscious to consider their individuality and not to refer to their siblings specifically. Every child needs to have that sense of personal space to discuss their own emotional needs and to feel valued for who they are as individuals. This would mean that how you supported that child could be quite different for their siblings

Sometimes anger in the family unit between siblings is all about seeking the upper hand with attention. Recognising and affirming their differences is the best way to overcome their feeling of inferiority in a family. It is quite natural for the child to have feelings of doubt and insecurity. Your task is to reassure and value them for who they are with all its uniqueness.

It is also a realistic fact that families are complex settings with growing children, edging for attention, busy parents listening on the run and busy school weeks with high demands throughout.

Here are a few checks to help keep the family setting as calm and steady as possible:

• Check in with the children once a week about issues that have caused them to be angry with each other.

• Applaud efforts where a child shows a strong ability to negotiate with another sibling.

• Play family games such as monopoly, pick up sticks etc.

• Take care not to react too quickly when angry scenes occur. Take your time and in a calm setting, start the conversation.

• Watch your communication with children ensuring that no one child is seen in a disadvantaged light to the other in the way you use language.

Above all, see the situation as resolvable and recognise that it will pass. Therefore, keep everything in proportion and move on from the situation quickly. Certainly, your child will move on quickly as all children generally do with unsettled sibling behaviour.

Setting realistic expectations.

How often do you find yourself feeling frustrated with your child because they did not listen to you? Perhaps you are feeling that they are just ignoring your directions and treating you indifferently. When a child’s behaviour indicates that they are not responding to your directions, it may be time to check in with your child to see if they understand your demands. Sometimes the problem lies in the instructions given, not the child’s response.

Keep in mind the age if your child. When a child is approximately five they are still developing the ability to interpret feelings such as happiness, sadness anger etc. If you are instructing a child of that age consider the following:

Do you feel like your children don’t listen to you?

• Keep your instructions down to one sentence. Maybe one or two simple directions.

“Put the milk on the table and pass the bread”.

Often children cannot process more than two instructions at that age.

• Check your tone of voice and speed of talking. Keep it even and non threatening as young children can easily switch off if feeling anxious.

It was quite common in school to hear a child say the teacher was yelling when in fact they had simply switched off to what was being said. It just became too hard for them to comprehend.

•  Use uncomplicated language. The simpler the better for young children.

•  Always talk with a sense of valuing the child and of being grateful.

“Thanks, can you put the glass on the table. It will help me clean up.”

If the child is older, their ability to reason is still developing slowly and in order to get the best response in setting expectations consider:

• Talk with clarity giving no mixed messages in the instructions.

• Take care to place no inuendo, sarcasm or adult humour in the instructions.

• Keep in mind the child’s ability to process several instructions at once. For some children improved processing takes some time.

• Always affirm when the instructions have been even attempted.

“Thanks for doing some of the dishes. I was hoping you could also put them away.”

• Be proactive. If you need to instruct your child, do it at the best possible time when there are least distractions around. Try using this sentence as a starter to get their attention:

“I need to ask you to do something for me OK……….”

It’s about preparing the ground and giving the child a chance to really hear the instructions.

• Where possible in the instructions, include some aspect of how it will make a difference to you:

“Can you please put the groceries in the fridge as this will save me time when preparing dinner.”

Take care that a fair and reasonable amount of instructions are given, age appropriate and within reason of their capabilities.

When working with children it was always important to reflect on their age and their known response to questioning.

Instructing children to do tasks brings with it some mild anxiety with some children especially younger ones as they are always wondering if their efforts will be correct, understood and most importantly valued. Some children are keen to please and will act quickly on your instructions. Others are slower and more protracted in following instructions. The key here is to know your child’s ability to respond, respecting the differences in your children.

Set a good example by demonstrating how you respond to directions, perhaps at work and talk about the challenges you sometimes find in them.

Remember, giving instructions should come with success for both parties. This sometimes may require some negotiation as well.

 And finally, it is never about using power to win the day.