“Of course”, I hear you say, “I give my child plenty of attention.”

Here are some suggestions of listening to a child in a deeper and more effective way.

Parents will naturally try to be available to their child as often as possible. However, giving real attention is more about how you present yourself when attending to a child. When working with children it was common to hear them say that no one listens to them. When discussing this with parents they would be surprised and naturally reflect on how much time they gave their child.

This article is not so much about giving more time but rather improving the quality of attending to a child. So much of our parenting is done on the run!

Here are some suggestions of listening to a child in a deeper and more effective way.

·When a child wants to talk to you about some matter decide if you have the time to stop and listen. If not then say,

“That’ s important to you. I want to talk to you about that later”

When listening to the child sit comfortably and give positive, uninterrupted eye contact. This shows the child that you are really paying attention. Take care no to jump in to the conversation too quickly. This stops their flow of conversation and questions whether you are really listening to them. It also disrupts their flow of conversation.
Often a child (especially a younger child) talks too much but waiting patiently will get you to the issue. Find a personal space in which to talk quietly so that you are not distracted.
Do not do this process if you are not in the right frame of mind to listen. Delaying the conversation leads to better success later.
Interject with “hmm, keep going, that’s interesting.” Such interjections encourages the child to keep talking as you are really listening and interested.
If another child, intervenes in the conversation, it is important to remind them that you are only talking to one person and that is important to you.
Find a space that is not too noisy. It is amazing how quiet spaces encourage listening.
Watch your body language and voice control. Keep it consistent throughout the conversation. Negative body language can stop conversation and place value judgements on what is being said.
Never understate the importance of the child’s conversation. Be consistent in your behaviour towards their conversations. If they believe you are a real listener then be a listener.
Once the child has disclosed what they want to say and you are ready to talk about the matter, affirm them for their efforts and acknowledge how you really enjoy listening to what they have to say.

“Thanks for keeping me well informed. You really told me what is on your mind.”

These suggestions work well when you have the time. Keep in mind that effective listening is much more valuable than spending more time listening ineffectively and often “on the run”. The child demands less from you when they feel that real listening occurs.