Talk about the best of your child, not the worst
Language and how we use it can be a tricky process. It can the vehicle for success in building relationships as well as being a destructive tool when used inappropriately. We often say one thing but mean another. Children are very quick to pick up on the negative of anything we say about them. Sometimes we refer to them in conversation casually and we may be subtly mentioning their inadequacies in some way, yet unaware of the damage caused.
It is amazing how in a school setting a child will quickly pick up on any aspect of a teacher’s conversation that referred to them or especially to their poor performance. They are quick to personalise statements that we make as they seek out our support and most importantly look for how much they are valued in your eyes.
How we talk about our children matters.
It was quite common for a child who felt devalued to literally down tools and not perform or react through poor behaviour. It sometimes took considerable time to establish what was the problem and it often came down to some personal statement made by the teacher which they interpreted for themselves as negative.
We have the ear and heart of our children. We are very visible to them and they are very sensitised to how and what we say especially when it affects them.
This article suggests a few ideas on how to talk about the best of your child wherever possible.
If you have nothing positive to say at the time say nothing. Silence is golden when you are not sure about what to say. It causes no harm and gives you time to rethink the situation.
Notice the little things that you can comment on throughout the day:
“Well done. You know how to set a table.”
“Great effort starting your homework”.
“Bravo for cleaning the table so well.”
“You are fast at picking up the Lego blocks.”
“I always like your smile it makes me feel good.”
Notice that these quick conversations are small ego boosters and meant to keep up the reassurance to your child that they are valued and achieve well in your eyes.
If you need to talk about other matters such as poor behaviour etc. remember to end on a positive note.
“I’m sorry that you shouted at your brother. You are usually such a gentle person.”
Note that you are reminding the child that you look for the positive aspect of the child but recognise that they make mistakes which must be addressed.
When talking to others and referring to your child build in some positive talk.
“John would love to play with your friend. He is really good with younger children.”
Talking about the best of your child brings out the best in your child. They enjoy hearing you talk about what you enjoy about them and the more public you are, the more you give voice to their valued character.
When a child needs discipline and behaviour is unacceptable, this is a time for effective active listening to establish what has led to the behaviour. This should be followed with some consequences through negotiation and discussion. It should, however, end with giving your child those words of reassurance that highlight how much you value them and trust in their character.
Talking about the best in your child intermittently is building the foundation blocks of strong relationship and reassurance for the child. If you are inclined to be less verbal about positive things you notice in your child, this could be a good time to start verbalising positive aspects of your child. It will be a door opener to a better relationship.
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”