Your child learns so much from you, including how to see the world in a positive light. Discover why it's crucial to maintain a positive disposition around your child with insights from Gail Smith.
Read MoreAs children grow older, you may find it better to avoid confrontations and find different ways to amend the situation. This is easier said than done sometimes. Here is some advice from Gail Smith, The Primary Years.
Read MoreI totally dislike the word Punishment. It has such dark and serious connotations and for a child it can be quite overwhelming when they hear there will be punishment for bad actions. How about saying there will be some consequences for poor behaviour. Here are some important aspects of dealing with problem behaviour that should be understood when managing negative behaviour with children.
Read MoreIt is certainly easy to feel disappointed with so many things that appear in life. Our children will from time to time let us down. They will be growing in their own way and will take directions that may disappoint us. This article is to invite us to reflect on those disappointments, which if left to fester, can cause major upsets and breaking down of trust and relationships with our child.
The following thoughts invite us to look at disappointments more realistically and give them a place that is manageable and reasonable.
Consider what kind of personality you have as this can reflect how you respond when disappointed and how tolerant you are in different situations. If you are a perfectionist, there will be many things that your child does that will disappoint you. If you are more relaxed, you will not notice certain behaviours that can be seen as disappointing by others. Of course, there are many variations within our personalities and if you are aware of your own tolerance level, this will help you cope better with some disappointments. After all, disappointment is about ourselves feeling displeased. The question is do disappointments worry others? It is quite a personal feeling.
Put things into perspective. When you get disappointed with your child, remember that they are only a child and things will pass. Time moves quickly around busy, growing children.
Watch your anger levels. If you are too quick to respond, consider if it is proportional to the problem. Can you manage your anger levels?
Be alert to the situations that will disappoint you with your child. Are there some issues you can just let go? Can you prevent disappointing situations from happening? Are you able to simply walk away and allow the disappointing feeling to dissipate? Do you hold on to disappointments?
Remember not to harbour the disappointment. Once the matter is dealt with, moving on quickly with children is important.
Take care that when you wish to express your disappointment to your child, remember to express it in terms they will understand.
“I am so upset that you broke the vase. It belonged to my grandmother.”
Teachers understand that when they become disappointed with a child’s behaviour, once it is dealt with, they need to move on in relationship quickly. This reassures the child that the bond between them is strong and unbroken. Often, the teacher will ensure that they affirm them for something positive soon after the event to give the child a small boost back to normal. This helps to keep fuelling the normal relationship and it is sound advice also for parents.
If you find that you seem to be having frequent disappointments, take stock of the situation. Is your child in the best zone with you? Maybe you need some time out together or perhaps less concentrated time together. Too many disappointments happening frequently can only lead to deepening damage in the relationship and a longer recovery.
Finally, it is natural to have disappointments with our child. It is also natural and appropriate that a child would understand that they have disappointed you. What is necessary is to keep everything in proportion, remembering that you are dealing with a child’s problem and that it will generally pass.
“No expectations, no disappointments.”
In the heat of the moment, we can say all sorts of things in all sorts of ways. Our mood and temper can often dictate how and what we say in front of our children. We have a liberty with speech which can work for us or against us. There are times when we may need to speak with more definition and there are more relaxed times when we can simply talk with ease, spontaneously and in comfort. Whatever our style of communication through speech, this article is to remind us that it is a powerful tool for the force of good and evil in our relationships.
Often words sharply spoken cannot easily be retracted. When we speak with our children, it is best to remember that they are listening carefully for the intention and will cautiously listen for reinforcing words and a calm style. The words make all the difference to how they will respond.
Here are a few thoughts to keep our speech in check when around our children.
Remember to think before you speak. This is particularly important when you are feeling unsettled or in a situation that could lead to speaking out of turn. Sometimes in the rush of speaking we can lose sight of what we are really saying.
Create space. This means take some time out before speaking if you think you are inclined to say careless things that you will regret later. In this case, silence is golden.
Use language that is age appropriate for your child and take care not to intimidate with strong, overpowering words that can have various meanings. Such is a form of intimidation. Simple language is the best, especially if you have some important messages to get across to your child.
Remember to use words that clearly talk about what you want to say. Children can easily miss the content of what you say through the words you use, the speed of talking and the intonation used. Don’t allow your words to become a destructive tool but rather a building block for strong relationships.
Reflect from time to time if you have used words that affirm and reinforce your child. This is a reminder to your child that they are valued and that you are keen to publicly talk about them in a positive way. Everyone from time to time enjoys hearing about themselves in a positive way. The positive use of words strengthens communication and give a clear message of wanting to engage with someone.
If you are feeling disappointed and need to talk to your child about some behavioural concern, think about how you will say it and what words you will use that are balanced and suitable for the situation. Speaking too quickly without having our mind ahead of our mouth can be damaging for the relationship.
Finally, the words we use on a daily basis, say a lot about ourselves. They are the tools that inform others about how we wish to engage and participate in life. They are a force to drive people away or to bring them closer. Our children understand very clearly that the way words are presented to them is the clear traffic lights of their relationship. Flash onto green whenever possible.
“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.”
School is such a great place for bringing out the best in children.
Each day teachers motivate, stimulate and drive children’s thirst for learning. They are experts at bringing out the best in the children as they know that within each child there is so much potential. The more they develop and ignite their gifts the greater learning will occur on so many levels.
How about home?
Do we recognise those great gifts and the potential of our children? Some potential is very obvious. If a child is good at Maths that is quite clear to everyone. However, there are many potentials that we need to bring out of our children and certainly, we need to recognise the more subtle potentiality that appears from time to time.
Here is a list upon which to reflect when highlighting and affirming potential gifts in our children:
Some of our child’s potential is very obvious. Some is not and we must recognise it and celebrate it.
Notice how your child treats others. Do they demonstrate a well-developed style of treating others with kindness and understanding? This shows the development of compassion and sensitivity.
Does your child have skill in engaging with all children and being inclusive in play? This is quite a gift and potentially shows leadership in a child. Great leaders are inclusive.
Is your child well organised and likes to set goals? Such a gift shows the potential of being a well-balanced and self-disciplined person.
Is your child a great listener to others? Such a gift leads to the potential of being an effective adult who listens with intent, patience and tolerance for other’s opinions.
Does your child show patience in a special way? Oh, what a gift is developing here. Such potential leads to a well-balanced person, tolerant and wise.
Is your child noticeably aware of others that are less advantaged? This shows that a child will potentially develop strong compassion and fairness in life.
These are some examples where your child can develop into a warm and caring person with substantial emotional maturity.
This article is about looking for the potential in your child to develop into a well-rounded human being. Think about all the subtle examples of your child’s behaviour to others and themselves.
To live to your full potential is all about using your gifts and greatness for the common good. Let’s encourage our children to see their potential as an opportunity to grow wisely and sensibly.
“Free the child’s potential and you will release them into the world.”
No surprise when we think about our children’s lack of self-control. They are more prone to struggle with self-regulation when it comes to emotions. The younger the child, the more likely self-control is not the norm. This is our chance to teach our children that self-regulation, more specifically self-control is a better choice. It is a learnt skill and does not automatically happen just because we grow up.
Once again, the modelling seen around the child and the amount of self-regulation they see happening impacts their capacity and interest in developing self-control. It is very easy to lose it. We know as adults what presses our buttons and how this can impact self-control even though we have a trained brain knowing that lack of control spirals us straight down.
Schools are great spaces to teach children self-control. With a classroom and on the playground, children have many occasions to demonstrate that they are in control. Teachers recognise it as a skill and teach children that using self-control gives them so many advantages physically, socially, intellectually and emotionally. They understand that from time to time this breaks down according to a child’s maturity but gradual improvement and affirmation when self-control is demonstrated is the key in schools.
It is all about controlling the will, the desire to have and to obtain despite any controls. Our will power can control so much of our self-control over matters.
Consider:
Do you give your child affirmation when they demonstrate self-control even over simple matters? Remember that learning self-discipline is about acquiring life skills. It can be taught and definitely acknowledged when evidenced.
In your household is their ongoing examples of self-control? Are you quick to lose it and this of course spirals down to general discontent for everyone?
As a child develops self-control this means that unselfishness and care for others is growing in importance in their mind.
‘Well done. You gave that cake to your brother. You are such an unselfish child.’
Naming the unselfish act is important.
If at times self-control is not evidenced at home, this is a great time to talk about what went wrong and who was impacted. This also applies to the adults when they let their guard down with self-control.
‘I am sorry that I shouted at you. I wasn’t thinking of how it would be upsetting. I should have just slowed down.’
Lessons are learnt with ease when we admit as adults that we sometimes lose self-control but we reflect on its impact on others. This is how we learn effectively.
When you see examples of others showing restraint and demonstrate self-control talk about it to your child. Mention all the positive implications it has on others.
Teaching self-control is incremental and over time the child comes to see that managing themselves better gives them a better relationship with others. Our job as parents is to support their understanding that self-control is a life skill enriching their well-being and others.
‘Discipline is choosing between what you want now and what you want most.’
-Abraham Lincoln
Do we sometimes focus too much on the faults that we see around us? Children by nature of being children are frequently making mistakes from practical matters through to their fragile emotional growth. I say all hail faults! Have often do you hear your child say:
“It’s not my fault.” At an early age, a child struggles to own a fault.
The key here is to focus more on virtues and gifts that we see present in our children. We certainly teach our children to manage faults and we do this in a gentle and caring way. We teach them to manage their faults and we praise their efforts when they show improvement.
Now that school has resumed children are exposed to various learning situations that will challenge them both inside the classroom and outside. They begin to recognise through the support of teachers, that making mistakes is acceptable and that we learn to strengthen the fault line by practice, effort and determination. Their world in school will be a daily exercise of managing success and checking in when faults occur. Our job as parents is to support them by accepting that we all make mistakes and have faults that can be worked on with support and encouragement. Let us take out the negative undertone of the word, “fault” and see it as an opportunity to grow. I am inclined to replace the word with “mistakes”.
Consider the following thoughts:
Are you a person who tends to notice faults before you notice the best of the person? If this is the case keep reminding yourself that focussing on faults only exacerbates one’s feeling of failure or disappointment in someone else. It is not difficult to develop a negative mindset about someone if you just focus on their faults.
Talk about how you have been working on yourself to improve in some area. Perhaps your fault is never being on time. Talk to your child about what you are doing to improve in this area. It’s important to show the child that naming the fault is the first job in taking control. Once named it puts things into perspective.
When your child talks about how they are struggling to succeed in an area, talk about the times you have seen improvement. Build on the positive times when you did see improvement.
“I can see you are struggling with maths. I remember how you mastered the times tables last year. That was a great success”.
Remind your child that we all have faults. It’s part of the human condition. Many of our great achievers over time struggled with faults and worked hard by taking risks and working on improvement.
It’s all about developing the best disposition and owning those faulty areas in which improvement can take place if you so wish to work on them.
“I think people who have faults are a lot more interesting than people who are perfect.”
Language and how we use it can be a tricky process. It can the vehicle for success in building relationships as well as being a destructive tool when used inappropriately. We often say one thing but mean another. Children are very quick to pick up on the negative of anything we say about them. Sometimes we refer to them in conversation casually and we may be subtly mentioning their inadequacies in some way, yet unaware of the damage caused.
It is amazing how in a school setting a child will quickly pick up on any aspect of a teacher’s conversation that referred to them or especially to their poor performance. They are quick to personalise statements that we make as they seek out our support and most importantly look for how much they are valued in your eyes.
How we talk about our children matters.
It was quite common for a child who felt devalued to literally down tools and not perform or react through poor behaviour. It sometimes took considerable time to establish what was the problem and it often came down to some personal statement made by the teacher which they interpreted for themselves as negative.
We have the ear and heart of our children. We are very visible to them and they are very sensitised to how and what we say especially when it affects them.
This article suggests a few ideas on how to talk about the best of your child wherever possible.
If you have nothing positive to say at the time say nothing. Silence is golden when you are not sure about what to say. It causes no harm and gives you time to rethink the situation.
Notice the little things that you can comment on throughout the day:
“Well done. You know how to set a table.”
“Great effort starting your homework”.
“Bravo for cleaning the table so well.”
“You are fast at picking up the Lego blocks.”
“I always like your smile it makes me feel good.”
Notice that these quick conversations are small ego boosters and meant to keep up the reassurance to your child that they are valued and achieve well in your eyes.
If you need to talk about other matters such as poor behaviour etc. remember to end on a positive note.
“I’m sorry that you shouted at your brother. You are usually such a gentle person.”
Note that you are reminding the child that you look for the positive aspect of the child but recognise that they make mistakes which must be addressed.
When talking to others and referring to your child build in some positive talk.
“John would love to play with your friend. He is really good with younger children.”
Talking about the best of your child brings out the best in your child. They enjoy hearing you talk about what you enjoy about them and the more public you are, the more you give voice to their valued character.
When a child needs discipline and behaviour is unacceptable, this is a time for effective active listening to establish what has led to the behaviour. This should be followed with some consequences through negotiation and discussion. It should, however, end with giving your child those words of reassurance that highlight how much you value them and trust in their character.
Talking about the best in your child intermittently is building the foundation blocks of strong relationship and reassurance for the child. If you are inclined to be less verbal about positive things you notice in your child, this could be a good time to start verbalising positive aspects of your child. It will be a door opener to a better relationship.
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”
Never underestimate what you teach your child when you apologise!
It demonstrates that you are human, not invincible and that as a parent you make mistakes. It highlights to your child that you are honest and that you believe in the value of honesty.
A child looks lovingly to their parents, implicitly trusting them. They are not interested in whether you are a perfect being. In fact, no one is and therefore is it best to show your child how human you are from time to time. Showing them that we are all working on improving ourselves and this means acknowledging mistakes is an excellent direction to give a child.
When you make a mistake that effects your child, a simple apology lets them know that at times you need to correct yourself and that this is an admirable quality. Sometimes in our anxiousness to show the best face, we can avoid the truth to look consistent and strong. Actually, the child easily senses that they are not given the truth and can get confused and be given the wrong message. That message is about always maintaining a strong face and never letting your guard down.
By modelling this behaviour to your child, you are encouraging them to look in control at all cost and never lose face. It is much better to show them that the human condition means from time to time mistakes will be made and saying sorry is a way of reconciling with another person to set everything right again. It is also teaching them that to be strong is to recognise in yourself your vulnerabilities. Such vulnerabilities are part of the human condition and if as a parent you show that you are comfortable in talking about such vulnerabilities, they actually become strengths.
When apologising be explicit. Explain what behaviour led you to make that mistake.
“I am sorry that I forgot to attend your concert at school. I was so busy at work that I lost a sense of time.”
By showing your child that you were careless takes the sting away from the issue and gives both of you a chance to talk it through. What is also important here is to discuss ways to help you remember next time when the concert will be held.
Apologizing teaches your child so much about being human.
It is also teaching your child about empathy. Yes, I made a mistake it affected you and that made you unhappy. I am sorry.
Consider the following thoughts:
A child deserves the truth.
Being honest about mistakes breaks no trust and puts your relationship with your child in a safe, secure place.
If a parent struggles in being honest and saying sorry, are they anxious about holding onto power? How long can they keep this going?
You are teaching your child how to work through their problems when they make mistakes.
Be genuine. If you say sorry ensure it is talked through with your child. Give them good eye contact.
By being open in this way, it reduces tension in a relationship. A child comes to expect nothing less than the truth.
The more we cover up when mistakes are made, the greater burden it is to keep up the pressure.
You cannot fool your child. They look for honesty and expect the truth. All they want is a loving, open relationship.
“Children aren’t looking for perfect parents, they are looking for honest parents.”