No surprise when we think about our children’s lack of self-control. They are more prone to struggle with self-regulation when it comes to emotions. The younger the child, the more likely self-control is not the norm. This is our chance to teach our children that self-regulation, more specifically self-control is a better choice. It is a learnt skill and does not automatically happen just because we grow up.

Once again, the modelling seen around the child and the amount of self-regulation they see happening impacts their capacity and interest in developing self-control. It is very easy to lose it. We know as adults what presses our buttons and how this can impact self-control even though we have a trained brain knowing that lack of control spirals us straight down.

self control with Gail Smith, The Primary Years

Schools are great spaces to teach children self-control. With a classroom and on the playground, children have many occasions to demonstrate that they are in control. Teachers recognise it as a skill and teach children that using self-control gives them so many advantages physically, socially, intellectually and emotionally. They understand that from time to time this breaks down according to a child’s maturity but gradual improvement and affirmation when self-control is demonstrated is the key in schools.

It is all about controlling the will, the desire to have and to obtain despite any controls. Our will power can control so much of our self-control over matters.

Consider:

Do you give your child affirmation when they demonstrate self-control even over simple matters? Remember that learning self-discipline is about acquiring life skills. It can be taught and definitely acknowledged when evidenced.
In your household is their ongoing examples of self-control? Are you quick to lose it and this of course spirals down to general discontent for everyone?
As a child develops self-control this means that unselfishness and care for others is growing in importance in their mind.

‘Well done. You gave that cake to your brother. You are such an unselfish child.’

Naming the unselfish act is important.

If at times self-control is not evidenced at home, this is a great time to talk about what went wrong and who was impacted. This also applies to the adults when they let their guard down with self-control.

‘I am sorry that I shouted at you. I wasn’t thinking of how it would be upsetting. I should have just slowed down.’

Lessons are learnt with ease when we admit as adults that we sometimes lose self-control but we reflect on its impact on others. This is how we learn effectively.
When you see examples of others showing restraint and demonstrate self-control talk about it to your child. Mention all the positive implications it has on others.

Teaching self-control is incremental and over time the child comes to see that managing themselves better gives them a better relationship with others. Our job as parents is to support their understanding that self-control is a life skill enriching their well-being and others.

‘Discipline is choosing between what you want now and what you want most.’

-Abraham Lincoln