When our children are born, their dependency nee survival totally depends on ourselves, unlike many animal varieties that can within a short time, walk away from their parents and survive the wilds independently. Our species needs more time to be fed, nurtured and given some help to be upright and walking. At this point we have an incredible amount of power and responsibility for our children. No question about it, those early years are focussed on full support, care and safe direction for our family. Then suddenly things change. Once our children feel more personally in control, even if it is just a little, they seek out some independence. It is as though they are the butterfly edging their way out of the cocoon to find their independence and fly away. Gradually they grow stronger as they break free from their encased cocoon. The struggle they go through makes them stronger in their final exit from that encasement.

This is natural and normal. What the challenge is for parents is to help them slowly and gently discover their independence. Of course, there will be some struggle, possibly failure and endurance in this process. This can be challenging for some parents who struggle to let go and frightened to let their child make a mistake. What can then happen is a power struggle. Once power struggles creep into your life with your child, it can be a difficult journey to maneuver. If your plan is to win all the time, consider it a failure.

encouraging independence. Gail Smith, Author, The Primary Years

Here it is about working with your changing child, accepting that change will occur over time and choosing to be part of the process in a proactive way.

The following thoughts may help you prepare for that change.

Reflect that your power is all about responsibility which gradually reduces as the child takes on more accountability for their own life.
Gradually giving your child opportunities to be independent is the best way to lead them into feeling confident about their own capabilities. Such opportunities should start as early as you see evidence that they are seeking to do things on their own.
Letting go can be hard especially when the child asks for independence in areas that can be challenging. Often parents find teenage time the most difficult. Children want and demand to be given more freedom and yet you see danger ahead that they cannot manage or foresee. Therefore, you feel anxious as after all you have responsibilities to that adolescent.
When you let go and give them liberties affirm them when they have demonstrated to you that they can manage themselves well.

‘Well done. You walked to the shop on your own and followed all the road rules. This makes me feel that you know what to do.’

As the child seeks more and more independence, that may mean some negotiation on your part. Resentment can build if you simply dismiss their requests without discussion and without listening to their request.
Unsettled teenagers can be very determined in meeting their needs away from their parent’s eyes. We do not want that form of independence to develop. We want them to come to their parents, knowing that they will be heard and possibly some negotiation may occur.
Parents often feel a sense of grief when they see their child reaching out for independence. Look at it differently. Your child is growing and just as they learn to walk, they now need to grow in more social and intellectual areas. Your guidance and support through that time will give them the confidence that you trust them. You should begin to see parenting as a responsibility that is helping your child become an independent young adult. Put another way, it is irresponsible not to support their developing independence.
Every child is different but it is true to say that the first child generally has a harder road to walk in becoming independent. As parents, we are constantly learning how to manage their demands for independence. Consider this when relating to your firstborn.

Finally, by encouraging independence you are doing your child a great service. Building resilience and self-esteem strengthens a child’s feeling of confidence in managing themselves. No surprise that the children that developed independence early at school were fast learners, who took risks, challenged themselves and were not afraid of failure.

The great responsibility you have as a parent is to nurture independence and be a guide setting directions for your child, giving them the joy of personal exploration leading to self-management.

‘The greatest gift you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.’
-Denis Waitley