This is all about reflecting back to the child what the child has said to you, the parent. It is all about paraphrasing what has been said, picking out the most important content details of what has been said by the child. The parent then talks back to the child expressing what the child has said and giving reassurance to the child that they actually heard the essence of what they were saying. The parent can pick up on the emotional aspects to the child’s conversation.

Child: ‘I hate it when my friend won’t play with me.’

Parent: ‘You are upset if they do not play with you and you feel hurt.’

It is all about really listening to the child and picking up what is the real bottom line of the problem, especially the feelings.

Reflecting on what a child says is not:

Using the information to lecture the child.
Correcting the child’s information.
Expressing an opinion on what the child says.

It is actually:

Listening without questioning the content.
Holding off on having opinions on what they say.
Being neutral and getting to the essence of their hurt.
Simply listening and not interrupting.
It is about respecting their pain.

Keep in your mind some feeling words that come in handy when reflecting back how your child felt. Words such as;

Happy, sad, angry confused, disappointed, surprised frightened helpless, insecure.

For example: ‘You seem unhappy that your friend left the school.’

Reflection of feelings is used extensively in counselling situations but it is also a very useful tool for a parent to let their child know that they heard their pain.

‘The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.’
Peggy O’ Mara