How to motivate children to change behaviour.
Who wants to change their behaviour when you can’t find any reason to change? Think about your own situation. No amount of pressure motivates you to change your behaviour unless you see the value in the way, it affects you, it makes a difference etc. We are all motivated by change when it has relevance and serves a purpose that you understand.
How many times do you find yourself just repeating the same instructions to your child and your level of frustration continues to grow sometimes disproportionately to the situation? Repeated requests or instructions to do something become less effective as time goes on. The child’s listening drops off and all sorts of distractions coincidentally get in the way for the child. No surprises there!
Here are some thoughts on how best to change behaviour that you believe is important to change:
Always check in with yourself and establish if changing the behaviour is necessary. There are degrees of necessity. For example, do you want the child’s room cleaned straight away, dishes complete or something more substantial like cooperating to get to school on time.
Remember that the child needs to value the change or at least see that the changed behaviour had an impact on you.
“I need help this morning in getting to school on time as I will then not be late for work. That makes me feel so much better.”
Notice here that you are letting them know that their support will have a positive impact on you. The child may after all have little motivation to get to school on time and so they are more inclined to cooperate if it makes a difference to you.
Be clear in what you ask. Repeated instructions with increased agitation only cause shutdowns and major meltdowns on your part. If your child does not listen and change the behaviour, you will need to sit them down and approach the request from a different angle. Simply telling them how disappointed you are will not motive the change in behaviour.
Take care not to expect a consistent change in behaviour. This then becomes more robotic. Children are after all human and when the child does respond to your request take care to thank them.
“Thanks for helping with your little brother. I have now more time to myself”.
Consider how much change in behaviour you are seeking in any one day or in any one morning or afternoon block. Too much preoccupation in giving instructions loses its momentum after a while.
Choose your language carefully and reflect on what you are asking them to do. Is the expectation too high? Are they in a frame of mind to manage the changed behaviour or are they preoccupied? Timing is everything and you want success rather than a feeling of your child not listening and responding.
Keep in mind fatigue and their ability to listen on that occasion. Sometimes their readiness to change isn’t present. Therefore, how important is it to press the issue of change.
Setting positive, repeated patterns is the best way to change behaviour. Therefore, affirm and acknowledge their efforts in supporting change regularly.
“Thanks for tidying the kitchen yesterday. Cooking is now so much easier”
In working with children, timing was a key factor in attempting to change behaviour. Teachers are always conscious to notice children spontaneously changing behaviour in the classroom and affirming it. It is given a great deal of attention in the class when a child shows real growth in changing what is seen as inappropriate behaviour.
Similarly, if your child recognises that they need to improve or change behaviour and they independently do it, that is a cause for celebration. A time to acknowledge how they thought about the impact they had on others. This is simply learning about empathy.
The more they develop an awareness of their impact on others, the more inclined they will be to spontaneously change behaviour. That is incredible personal growth and a raised awareness of caring for others. Something to be celebrated in the family.
As a parent it is worth highlighting to your child how others change behaviour for the betterment of those around them. Of course, modelling our own ability to change behaviour is a valuable lesson for the child.
“I always enjoy listening to my music, but it will wake the baby.”
Here we tell our child that I need to change my behaviour as it will have an impact on another.
“Fortunately most human behaviour is learnt observationally through modelling from others.”