Short, sharp breaks make all the difference.

How much do we concentrate across the day?

In today’s fast moving world where technology drives so much of the pace in which we live, it is not surprising to hear that our concentration spans are reduced. Some put this down to technology and the social media that demands instant response. We are also aware that children do not learn in the same way that generations before them did and they do not need to stretch their brain, learning large slabs of information when so much information is available at their fingertips from google etc.

The changing face of how we process also suggests that concentrating for long periods of time is more difficult. Teachers are more aware of this and as such will plan lessons with regular short breaks. Sometimes this will include some physical exercise to create space from the previous activity and to refresh thinking after some exercise. It works!

Now think about home. Sometimes tensions rise. This can happen when playing games together, watching television, homework etc. As a parent we sometimes tend to react when the noise rises amongst siblings, other family members etc.

Consider being proactive and simply stopping the activity and all playing a game in the yard or propose some other option such as calling time out and asking children to have quite time in their room. It needn’t be for too long. It is simply about breaking the increasing tension.

In working with children who seemed highly anxious, it was common practice to change the environment in which we were working. Sometimes we would go for a walk in the school yard or check out the preps etc. It was about creating a circuit breaker which shifted a child’s focus thus reducing the tension.

This of course applies to parents. Once our anxieties rise, we need to regulate them by creating space for ourselves to alleviate the pressure. It is amazing how a few minutes away from the problem space can reduce our unhappy feelings to a level where we can control our behaviour more rationally.

“Taking time to do nothing

Often brings everything into perspective. ”

— Doe Zantamata

Take a breath and a break when anxiety rises. This will help to alleviate stress.

Know your limits. It's the safest way.

Have you ever noticed how you change when unable to cope?  This could be through tiredness, health issues or just you have just reached your limit! Beware these are the vulnerable times when we can overreact with our children. Easily done! Sadly we pay a high price in our relationship when this occurs.

Your child has refused to listen all morning and now he has damaged some furniture. It's enough to set off a chain of verbal abuse on the child. When we do this, we come back feeling vulnerable and wondering how we can undo what we have just done!

Always remember it is the behaviour we do not like. It is not a dislike of the child. When we are tired and vulnerable, how we talk to the child often looks and sounds like we dislike the child!

We are all human and children's behaviour can send our pulses racing.

Parents often tell me that using the following strategies helps limit the likelihood of being out of control.

• Consider stepping back from the situation when it gets out of hand. This can be done by walking away for a few minutes, entering another room, deep breathing, counting to ten etc. It is about creating a space between the incident and your reaction.
• Try preventative methods. If you know that there is a likelihood of escalating bad behaviour from the child, are there things that can be done to reduce that escalation. For example, take along toys, books etc. that can be a distraction. Let the child choose what he would like to take with him.
• Ask yourself do you have to go ahead with the activity at that point? Can it be delayed where the child is not involved?

Keep in your mind some simple “I” statements that limit the anger.

• “I am really upset at the moment and can't talk about it.”

• “I am so angry that this has happened. I need some time to think about it.”

Talk to the child about what you are about to do, shopping etc. Discuss what will help them be settled during this time. Rewarding a child who has had to put in an effort is acceptable but of course not all the time.

Progressively, during the morning or the activity, acknowledge their efforts in behaving well. Thanking them for supporting you is also valuable. Comment on how it made you work faster or achieve your goals well.

Remember it is about reducing the likelihood of reactionary behaviour which is sometimes complicated and hard to reconcile. Often, when we do have these outbursts, the child does not understand the intensity of the problem or the heightened reaction. This causes doubt and confusion in their mind. 

Know your own capabilities and recognise the signs where fatigue etc. will set in and over stimulate your negative reaction to problems. Minimising your reactions enables you to deal with the behaviour in a calmer way.

When we have outburstsover behaviour, the child does not understand the intensity of the problem or the heightened reaction.

How do we build resilience in our children?

A big question that many parents ask themselves is how do we make our children more resilient? Whilst there are many support programs at school and strategies we can use to help our children, what is well regarded as a powerful strategy is to let the child see how resilient we are as parents in our own life.

How we influence our children is best done by modelling our own strength in coping with difficult situations. The positive language we use in simply discussing a problem gives the child the awareness that you are calmly reflecting and can approach a situation from many angles. It is about a “no blame” outlook.

For example when faced with some crisis try using words like:

• “I have a problem and I need time to think it through.”
• “I need to look at many ways to sort this out.”
• “At the moment I am working through some troubling issues.”

This is about giving the child the message that:

1.           there can be many ways to solve a problem.
2.           having a problem is normal.

Staying calm during that time and looking at many angles of the situation is the best way forward.

When I have dealt with children in areas around resilience, it is not uncommon to hear them talk about how their parents would handle the situation. If they have parents who look at quick solutions and blame, it is harder for the child to take personal ownership of their situation themselves. When they recognise that the parents will look at how to resolve a situation through reflection and negotiation, the child is more receptive to owning and dealing with the problem themselves.

Some final thoughts:

• Stay calm when unsettling issues arise.
• Develop strong listening skills so that questioning is clear.
• Where possible, look for how a positive outcome can be reached even though there is some damage.         
• Keep your body language calm, steady and consistent.

Above all let your child see that staying calm and open-minded will get a better resolution.

There are many excellent problem-solving games in educational stores that teach the family how to approach a problem.

When a problem is resolved talk about how you used different strategies to understand and solve the problem.

How we influence our children is best done by modelling our own strength in coping with difficult situations.

Have you ever just sat and played with sand?

We have found that children whose emotions rise high can easily calm down just simply sitting and immersing themselves in sand. This is so successful in our school setting that many teachers request a sand tray for their class rooms!. The therapy is very effective and so simple to set up. A child who is angry still needs some support in regulating his or her emotions. The calm distraction of the sand tray works magic!

I would recommend having a tray at home especially if you have a young child who cannot articulate their feelings and who are prone to building up anger very quickly. I find that as the child calms down, talking to the child gently is a way for them to gradually talk about their frustrations and regulate their emotions. Also playing with them in the sand tray gives them a  shared experience with the parent.These sand trays are wonderful also for children on the spectrum who have difficulty in expressing themselves. Sometimes a child will create images in the sand that express their feelings. This makes it easier to talk to them specifically about their problems. Sometimes just simply playing with the sand is therapeutic and regulates high emotions.

Many well stocked educational shops will have the sand that is suitable for this sand tray.

In my office sat a very well used sand tray! 

Simply playing in the sand can reduce stress.

Weigh it up

Children really enjoy using practical tools to help reflect on their feelings. They enjoy touching and feeling objects and working in practical ways.

Try using your scales at home. Collect a few pebbles. The child, when chatting about their problems, can put a pebble on the scale.

"Hmm that's a heavy problem?"

As the pebbles mount, talk about how these problems just weigh you down. Then invite them to talk about happy experiences that may lighten their load. Put these pebbles on the other side of the scale. Talk about times when they were able to solve their problems. 

Sometimes just putting the pebbles on the problem side is enough. As you talk about what can take that problem away, you remove the pebbles and comment on how things seem lighter.

" It seems you worked out how to solve that problem."

When I have used this activity with children they are often keen to paint faces on the rocks to express their feelings. This could be an activity to do with them before you use the scales. 

There are many variations of this idea. For example, putting the rocks in a bag and just feeling the weight.

"Problems can be heavy can't they?"

The principle is about children reflecting on lightening their load. It is amazing how such a practical and simple activity can make a difference with the younger child. In a child's mind, problems just mount throughout the week and can quickly seem insurmountable. Many of these problems can melt away quickly with such a simple activity and positive talk. Sometimes a child will just play with the rocks and talk about their problems.

There's easy strategies to help lighten your childs load.

Quick fixes for stressful moments

Ever felt ready to explode? Stress creeps up on us easily and gradually reduces our capacity to effectively manage situations. Children can inadvertently create this stress in us by a series of actions that just seem to keep mounting. They may be simple actions such as not listening, creating a mess, fighting with siblings etc. If we build up this feeling of, "I am over it!” we can explode with far too much reaction and sometimes the child does not see the problem in the same degree as yourself. This causes further deterioration of relationship.

The first step is to recognize how explosive the situation is becoming. Register in your mind that it is for example, eight out of ten and this means it can only get worse. Now take several deep breaths and realize that by changing the situation at this point, everyone feels better.

This can happen through taking a walk together, listening to music, going on a bike ride etc. The activity is not so important as the concept of the physical break from the intensity of the situation.

Exercise is great for everyone when stress is high. The principle here is that breaking from the situation brings down the anxiety and the likelihood of major crisis reduces. This technique is often used in classes as teachers will take their students out for a run on the oval as a break and a chance to refresh their thinking. The exercise and break totally changes the dynamics in the classroom. It is often said to older people if you don't use it, you lose it.

I would say the more active you become the less likelihood of losing your cool.