We are always on the look out for preventative measures to avoid conflict in our family setting. This is no doubt a sensible way of allowing a child to have a balanced childhood with appropriate affirmation and encouragement and reduced conflict. Having said this, a child will still need to develop skills in recognising and managing conflict. This starts very early in their life. At kindergarten, children begin to learn cooperative play, mixing with other children, sharing etc. Some say that babies have very intense feelings from birth.

Conflict is a natural part of life and as the child matures, skills need to be developed that enable them to better understand themselves and their ability to work effectively with others. They need to develop an awareness of their feelings and reactions to certain situations. They need to develop a language that enables them to cope with potential conflict situations in their day to day life. Some call this emotional competence.

A parent can help a child develop these competencies in the following ways:

How you model social interactions is crucial to their developing an understanding of how to manage conflict. If a parent is over reactive, angry and not reflective, this will impact on the child's understanding of managing conflict. If they see the parent, attempt to remain calm, look at the situation clearly and resolve the matter through dialogue and negotiation, this also has an impact on children, a very positive impact.
Teaching the child how to negotiate is a key skill you are giving them in managing conflict.
“I understand we have a problem with regard to going to bed on time. Let's find ways together to help this problem.”
“I am upset that you are not doing your chores. Let's list ways of helping you.”
Teaching negotiation is about putting up options that will help solve the problem and this will involve negotiation and hopefully an outcome of win/win.
When a conflict occurs remember this is a time to demonstrate good modelling, just slow down, choose a good time to work through the issue with the child and definitely do not deal with the conflict on the run. Begin to look at how both you and the child can look at the issue working towards respecting each others needs. This will involve compromise and what a wonderful emotional tool you as a parent are giving the child.

Many areas of conflict occur at school. You cannot be there on such occasions but discuss with your child what strategies they will use when they are dealing with conflict. This would make a great family discussion regularly.

Schools are generally well set up when it comes to dealing with conflict issues especially given that student well being coordinators are available to support students. Most school teach a range of social skills in class. Most schools teach restorative justice which helps children understand their feelings and those of the other with whom they have a concern. Be in touch with your child's teachers when concerns are raised at home.

When working with children who were quick to temper and had not yet developed social skills to a manage conflict, I would give them this plan.

1. Stop and think.

2. What number on the angry scale would you give yourself?

3. If high walk away, take big breaths and allow some time before dealing with the problem.

4. If you feel unsure about the skills to work through the problem, seek out an adult.

If we teach our children not to immediately react, often the level of anger drops down and the situation can be dealt without escalation.

The more we teach our children to be emotionally aware, the greater their relationships with others and the more they can effectively engage broadly in various social settings and be influential.

“With our thoughts we make the world”

— Buddha 563-483BC

“With our thoughts we make the world” ~ Buddha