As a parent, understanding what your child faces at school can help you provide meaningful support at home. Here’s a guide to some common challenges children encounter and simple actionable ways to help them thrive.
Read MoreHere are 5 benefits of teaching children great manners.
Read MoreHere are nine tips to better respond when poor behaviour interferes with you and your child’s relationship.
Read MoreEveryone experiences moments like these as a parent. Here are a few tips to keep positive and that making mistakes is all part of parenting.
Read MoreFamily situations change through separation and divorce and children will feel this. The key point is to provide ongoing love, understanding, reassurance and stability in difficult times. Try to remember that whilst you are going through a personal crisis, there is no avoiding that your child will be experiencing emotionally charged times. Accept that you will need support and so to your child. Rely on family support and networks that will minimise some of the impacts.
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This cannot always be easy and yet it can be a troublesome area for parents who struggle to let go of issues or behaviours that are poor. We all have our buttons that can be pushed easily. We need to know our measures and what triggers our reaction to different situations. Sometimes, simply tiredness and fatigue can shorten our tolerance level. Also, there are some situations that make parents more reactive or anxious when a child behaves inappropriately. This article is to invite reflection on the whole area of when it is better to simply ignore certain behaviours. Why you ask, when the behaviour is inappropriate? Well, consider:
The stronger reactions we have to our child’s behaviour, the more they grow to expect that response. Therefore, are we sometimes feeding the problem as they will repeat the pattern with no change.
Is the unacceptable behaviour on a scale of one to ten that important to correct? Sometimes it is best to simply accept that their childish ways can be live around.
Reflect on why you want the behaviour corrected or changed. Are the reasons valid or are you reacting to what others may think etc?
The more you have a day labelled with corrections and chastisement, the more debilitating it becomes for all. Keep in mind that in this case, the effectiveness of your reactions is very low. This of course makes us further frustrated. Do you know the point where it’s best to stop reacting?
Be selective. If you notice some behaviour that is unacceptable, choose the best time to talk to your child and deal with the matter. Often quick responses in busy settings like shopping centres are ineffective. You want your child listening and available in conversation to get the best results.
If your child is having an off day or simply not well, be sensitive to dealing with the problems. Try to be proactive and provide a climate that gives you and the child a softer landing.
When is a problem really a problem? Keep this in mind when you see behaviour in which you have an immediate reaction. Sometimes the problem can resolve itself without your intervention. Keep this in mind.
Try to not react straightway, because after a small reflection you may see the situation differently or with less intensity. This makes for a softer resolution for all. Timing is everything.
Keep in mind that they are childhood behaviours, sometimes driven with intent, sometimes carelessly done and sometimes without thinking. Try to ascertain the intent and this may help you to see that the problem is actually less important to manage.
Your journey as a parent on many levels seems very long, but upon later reflection, you will wonder where the years went. The overall impression for the child as an adult is that you were fair and loving, a great listener, negotiator and a sympathetic parent. Best to work on developing that impression than one of being focussed on suppressing behaviour.
‘Sometimes the best reaction is no reaction at all.’
-PinArt
Nobody likes being put down. Children especially can begin to see putdowns as something they deserve or an indication that they are not worthy to be given credibility. No matter how we avoid them they often come our way, subtly or more directly.
If a child takes an aggressive response to the put down, the problem can quickly escalate. When the child responds by passively giving in and not responding, they can build resentment and this behaviour does not stop the put downs from coming their way. The best response is for a child to be assertive, expressing themselves in a way that clearly tells the offender that their behaviour was unacceptable. This assertive way of responding does not put the other person down which further shows maturity on the part of the child being put down.
The best way to be assertive is to state it clearly.
“I am upset that you speak that way. I find it offensive.”
“I am disappointed in your words. They are quite hurtful.”
“I don’t like the way you talk to me. It’s quite inappropriate.”
These responses are about informing the offender that their words are offensive. In no way does it seek retribution, but it puts the offender on notice that their words were not to be tolerated.
It is also about looking the offender in the eye, being clear in your speech and showing confidence in the way you calmly rebuff their accusations. This is about developing emotional maturity which helps the child respond in ways that give them a sense of being in control. As the parent you can help your child show assertiveness by the following:
Give the example of being assertive yourself when you feel spoken to or treated poorly.
Teach your child to use the “I” statement. Get them to practise them….
“I am disappointed when…”
“I am unhappy when…”
“I do not like your behaviour when…”
Once the child becomes familiar with using this language, they have a quick and effective way of responding to the person putting them down. The more they use it, the stronger they feel.
Discuss times when you used assertive approaches in your life and how you felt afterwards.
From time to time tap in with them in relation to how they feel about themselves when others speak poorly to them. Sometimes frequent and subtle put downs can build up considerable feelings of being bullied. Ignoring put downs can also encourage the offender to keep on with the attack.
In a classroom, it is common practice that teachers will role model how to be assertive and encourage children to use language that works. Whilst still taking responsibility when they see a child bullying another, they will still teach the offended child to be assertive to prevent future attacks and to recognise when words used are unacceptable.
The teacher will also instruct the child using an “I” statement to state clearly the reasons for the upset.
“I am angry when you laugh at my new glasses.”
“I feel very upset when you laugh at my stutter.”
Teachers will also encourage children to recognise when a put down is unacceptable. Accepting and tolerating put downs requires a maturity to determine the intent.
However, should put downs become unmanageable then adult intervention should take place. Take care to know when this is necessary as prolonged and unmanaged putdowns can turn into severe bullying.
Finally, you the parent through your own experiences can model when a put down is not acceptable. Your understanding of your child’s sensitivity and emotional maturity should give you the guidance to teach them how to be assertive and in control at any age.
“Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.”
Do you have one of these tendencies when you are dealing with a conflictual issue? Sometimes our determination, sense of self-worth and anxiety about failure can take over and rather than losing face we can choose a flight or fight mode to cope. From time to time we switch into different modes. Flight and fight are a form of escapism from combined resolution.
Children will naturally experiment with all three modes and as they mature, we hope that they will be more inclined to read the signs and go with the flow avoiding failure. Rather this is more about understanding the circumstances, being tolerant of other’s opinions and not wearing the problem. It takes considerable maturity to go with the flow and compromise your way of being. However, after time you begin to realise the advantages of it.
Flowing with the situation requires discernment and developing the wisdom to cope with the situation, not personalise the matter and not get stressed. This may mean compromising your principals but it is also about thinking of others and valuing their input.
Parents who take on the fight model will eventually struggle as the child gets older. Fleeing is a model where we avoid situations that can eventually grow into a much more complex problem.
Are you a fight, flight or go with the flow type of parent?
Modelling for our children the art of flowing is teaching them that fight or flight is short term satisfaction. To flow keeps you in the discussion and hopefully, you still have stakes in the matter.
Teachers are all about negotiation and compromise. They teach children that when they are faced with a problem it is best to confront it and together with the other person negotiate a way though. If a teacher uses the model of fighting to win, they understand that eventually, their power runs out and no real resolution is made other than damaged relationships.
Consider:
When discussing matters with your child that can be unsettling, take care not to immediately resort to power to end the matter. This is likened to fighting to win and will eventually be unsuccessful. Negotiate. Talk to your child about what is on their mind and be prepared to discuss the matter calmly. Using the fight mode tells your children that the matter is unsettling for you and perhaps you are not the right person to talk to about the issue.
Parents can use flight by refusing to talk to their child about matters that they don’t want discussed. Escaping from such conversations can lead to children seeking resolution elsewhere.
Always be prepared to listen and discuss. You may be surprised at what you learn.
If you child has a tendency to fight or to run away from issues, gently engage with them and help them talk through the problem calmly and without judgement.
Teach your child that being prepared to listen, can lead to new information. Once you listen it is easier to go with the flow and simply you work through the problem more easily. You are more inclined to have a positive input into problems or conflict if people see you as someone who is fair and reasonable in discussing matters that are sensitive.
“If you want to fly give up everything that weighs you down.”
Schools understand the value of teaching problem solving. The style of teaching often taught is through an inquiry approach whereby questioning and problem solving play a very big part in how children are taught to learn.
With this in mind, as a parent, teaching problem solving from an early age makes a lot of sense. Consider some of the advantages.
Strategies to support your child’s ability to problem solve.
If you are encouraging problem solving you are inviting your child to solve their own problems. You are also encouraging independent thinking and risk taking. You are in effect teaching your child that making mistakes, trialling ways to solve problems and ‘having a go’ are valuable tools in working out how to solve life issues. As a parent you are teaching them to rely on their own ingenuity, creativity and common sense. You have confidence in their own decision making.
Let’s look at some strategies to support your child’s ability to problem solve.
Be the model and talk to your child about how you brainstorm issues when you have a problem. Demonstrate some recent examples of how you dealt with some problems that needed careful thought.
Teaching a child to list some options they may be thinking about to solve a problem is useful.
“Try listing three ways you could solve that problem”,
“Great now let’s discuss each option and see how it would work for you.”
Some children enjoy having a problem-solving book where they write in optional ways to look at the problem.
How about the what, where, how and why questions. This can be a habit to ask the children when they talk about a problem
What is it that you are solving as a problem?
How can you solve it?
Where is it to be dealt with?
What are you dealing with?
These four questions help a child think a bit deeper about the problem they aim to solve.
Another tool to help a child solve the problem is to simply write down the problem. Some children reflect more deeply when they see the problem written down on paper.
A few tips to make the process work well.
Have faith in your child’s ability to work it out. Be patient.
Ensure that your body language is always positive when a child offers suggestions.
Affirm their efforts.
“Well done for thinking of that as an option.”
Allow them to make mistakes and reassure them that this is part of the process.
Remind them of famous people such as Einstein who only learnt through practice and making errors.
Encourage perseverance.
“Great effort. Have you planned any further direction with that problem?”
In working with children with regard to school issues such as friendship problems, anxiety about poor performance etc., it was most important to firstly talk about the success you had noticed in previous attempts.
Tricky times for everyone when this occurs.
It is so natural to get caught up with your own emotional roller coaster, that reflecting on the child’s emotional state can be secondary. Often a child will go quiet when separation occurs. In their minds they are waying up how valued they are in the parent’s eyes.
A child will often become worried that if one parent has gone, will they lose the other parent? This was quite common in discussion with children going through a family separation. Also their sense of being valued seemed at risk.
Being silent does not mean that children are coping with the situation.
Given that they become emotionally anxious, it was also common for a child to slip back academically and to feel socially less secure. A child looks carefully for signs of reassurance from parents when family circumstances change.
I appreciate the above sounds daunting. However, with careful planning and engaging your child in the transformation of the family, they come through with a reassured sense of their place in the new structures of the family.
Here are some suggestions to help with the journey of separation.
Keep your child in the loop within reason. There is nothing more insecure for a child than not being aware of what is really happening. Being honest is very important to the child, who will look for information elsewhere if not been given the truth. They will also imagine the worst if unsure about their position in the family.
Remember that a child loves both parents and no matter how you feel toward your ex-partner, to the child, they are still very important in their life. How you manage this is an individual family matter. The important factor here is to remember that your child has a totally different perspective to yourself on their other parent.
Speak in gentle terms to the child about why the relationship has broken down. They do not need to hear and feel the hostility or anger you may feel yourself.
Investing in a counsellor is very helpful as it gives the child the opportunity to talk independently to someone they trust. It enables them to express their feelings which can be difficult in the home setting for fear of upsetting the parent.
In my experience if a parent’s behaviour is quite reactive and volatile, the child will go very quiet and shut down with the parent. Being silent does not mean that they are coping with the situation.
There are some excellent children’s books on separation and divorce. These are excellent to read together in a safe and happy space.
As a parent you have much on your mind and you are of course going through your own traumas, grief etc. Choose your time wisely when talking to your child about the separation. If you are not feeling up to it then delay the chat. Better to have quality time together then broken and unsettling conversations.
Remember it is important for a child to feel happy. Even though life is tough remember to play, laugh and enjoy your child.
As custody orders come into the business of separation and divorce, take care to ensure that what is arranged is the least unsettling for the child. Include them in making decisions about what to pack, where to meet the other parent, etc. They need to take some ownership of this process overtime. This gives them more personal security.
Be careful with idle and loose conversations around the child. They are particularly sensitive to conversations around them when they are feeling vulnerable.
The age of the child when the separation occurs is important to understand how your sensitive talk goes with the child. A younger child should be spoken to very gently, calmly and not in long protracted explanations. They will catch on to what you say and feel the anxiety very quickly.
Remember that as the child grows with the separation, they will need to keep understanding how they fit into shifting family arrangements. This is especially the case when new partners enter the relationship or the parent goes through significant changes in their life.
Their journey in the family split is quite different from your experience. They will understand and reflect on it from different perspectives as they grow older. Their grief is also different and so we need to respect their right to travel through the journey of separation in their own way and in their own time.
“Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be.”
As a parent we think about so many aspects of our child. Will they grow well? Is this the right school for them? What if they don’t find friends? What if they don’t eat their vegetable and so the tedious list of worries morphs into bigger worries as the child grows.
It can be exhausting for parents. The weight and fear of the unknown can be quite a burden. Often our caution lends itself to over protection.
Do you worry too much about your child?
When introducing new families to school at prep I was always curious to hear of their worries for their child. I think back to these same parents as we farewelled their last child from primary school. How often we laughed together at the innumerable fears and anxieties parents held about their children in earlier years.
Take note, I am not suggesting that genuine interest and natural anxieties should not be the norm for parents. I am saying that sometimes we over worry and put long term fears into our anxiety about our child. By doing this we become focussed on wanting to prevent or solve the problem before it happens. This sets up barriers to development. The other concern is that our fears influence how we engage with our children and sometimes this can impact on our relationship with them. A common fear that I often heard from parents was
“If my child is not successful at……. they will lose their confidence forever.”
This is clearly not so!
Afterall, does worrying about the unknown, long-term future have any purpose?
This article suggests that we should think more about the short-term issues with children. If handled well, the longer-term issues take care of themselves. As the child takes on more independence, they do not seek out our involvement in solving problems, or making solutions for them. They simply want the right to own their own experiences. When working with children I would sometimes put it to the child
“Do you want mum or dad to solve this for you?”
In most cases the answer was “no”. The child would rather go through the struggle than have their independent right to solve the problem taken from them.
In the light of this information, I put it to parents that worrying over your child excessively is simply a waste of time. Putting this energy into being joyous about your child’s development is better use of family energy and has a positive, healthy effect on the child.
Life changes, your child may go in different directions and show completely new interest where it wasn’t before. These are just some variables and surprises out of your control.
Concentrating on the here and now and the practical issue is easier on your well being and does not inflate the possibility of bigger problems. It is actually quite the reverse.
So, I suggest put all your worries about your child into a much smaller, more manageable basket and wait with excitement and anticipation for all the twists and turns that will be part of a child’s development.
Be optimistic and excited about the unknown challenges that lie ahead for your child and the new challenges that this presents for you personally. This is so necessary for your well-being as a developing parent and life consultant to your child.
Children vary so much in how they process information. Of course, this is all part of their overall growth. Some children though overthink matters and can build anxiety in looking at all the possibilities and where it can go all wrong. Mentally they measure out the situation in their mind and show reticence in putting themselves forward. Some children look for the negative in a situation and become so concerned about the risk and potential fear related to the challenge.
Of course, there are some children who simply plough ahead and do not reflect on risk or outcomes at all. These children are often more easy going and are often thought to be more carefree and risk taking.
However, for our overthinkers life can be a little trickier as they negotiate their way through the maze of school matters, home pressures, friendship groups etc. As parents we can look at some strategies to help them relax more and just simply enjoy the undulating ride of childhood.
Here are a few suggestions.
If your child looks worried or seems to be processing information too slowly try saying
Here are some tips to help your child to process information without overthinking matters.
“What positives have just been heard?”
“How can we make this a simple thought?”
When a child shows that they are overthinking, break it up for them.
“Ok so you have a test. Let’s talk about that.”
“What part of the test is on your mind?”
Talk positively about matters that can lead to overthinking. Ensure that in your conversation there is a level of optimism and hope.
In working with children, I would often invite the child to write down what was on their mind and together we would break it up into possibilities. This helped them learn to cope with situations that at first seemed too difficult. Getting them to repeat back what was on their mind made it easier to break up the concerns into possibilities.
Sometimes overthinkers are worried about being right or anxious about making errors. What we need to do is to remind them that we reward effort not necessarily outcome.
“You seem to be thinking a lot about the race tomorrow.”
“Well done for having a go and working through what is on your mind. Let’s talk about the concerns you have for tomorrow.”
The idea here is to teach the child that overthinking can lead to too much worry and unnecessary complication. Best to look at situations in a simple, positive and possible way.
Do we worry about our children becoming anxious?
Some parents become quite concerned about their child having some anxiety and as such work on overdrive to take it all away. Sadly, as school Principal, I came across some situations where parents would not send their children to school on certain days if they felt anxious about any matter such as friendships issues, tests, sports day etc. In the case of visiting elderly homes, a common excursion in schools, a few parents didn’t want their children to visit them in case it upset their child seeing an old person who may die.
A big discussion in education is the business of sport and rewarding children for winning races etc. Some schools have opted to only distribute involvement ribbons so that children will not be upset about not winning.
A child who has success in working through mild anxieties is more resilient when bigger anxieties come their way.
And so, the debate rages in education about the value of rewarding success over effort. This article is not about finding the right solution to the debate but it is all about suggesting that some anxiety is good for a child. Call it a necessary growth curve.
Children need to be exposed to opportunities in order to work through some anxiety. This often includes giving them more independence. Certainly more emotional independence.
“It seems that you feel a little anxious about the test today. Good luck. You are making the effort which is itself a success”
It is here all about giving the child the skills to work through the anxiety.
“Good luck in the race. I am so pleased you are having a go. Well done.””
The child may not win the race but will feel better for exposing themselves to the process. This feeling of being part of the race gives them a feeling of involvement and achievement.
“Today, I hear you are visiting an aged facility to visit older people. You will see many people who are struggling with their health and age. This is a normal part of growing older.””
Here it is about bringing them into the situation so that they feel connected to the journey. If for example they grow attached to an elderly person over several visits who happens to pass on, consider the empathy and understanding they develop for life and the awareness of accepting and seeing difference. Yes, they will have had anxiety about the situation but come out from this experience, richer and stronger emotionally. Their understanding of life has grown.
Avoiding anxious moments that are within reason only delays growth intellectually and emotionally.
The anxiety will keep appearing and the later it gets to manage it, the more difficult it is to recover.
Children are very aware of differences. This is obvious as early as prep when they begin to read.
Here you notice their awareness and some anxiety about not reading as well as other children suggest:
“I love the fact that you try so hard in reading. Every time you read; you are getting better”
The child will need to accept differences and appreciate and value their own capabilities which also comes with limits.
A few final tips to help parents support children dealing with mild anxiety.
Talk to your child about the things that make you anxious and tell them about the strategies you use to help work on the problem.
Talk about anxiety as being part of life. We have it in many forms from rushing to be on time, to more anxious moments of performance in races, tests, work etc.
Talk positively about how a child manages their anxiety.
“It sounds like you have to sing in the concert. Of course you feel nervous. Well done for all the effort in practising. This is a great way to get ready for your performance.”
Read stories to the child on how others overcame struggles and anxiety. There are wonderful books on building emotional stamina and overcoming anxiety suitable for children of all ages.
Point out public figures (choose wisely) who have worked hard to overcome their anxieties. Children love hearing about sporting heroes such as basketballers etc. They enjoy identifying with others who have worked on their anxieties and improved their emotional stamina.
Finally, a child who has success in working through mild anxieties is more resilient when bigger anxieties come their way. They develop a set of skills that give them the strength to work through issues. They are not left helpless swimming through anxiety that grows insurmountably causing them to withdraw.
Ever thought about your tolerance level compared to others? Perhaps you have noticed some people who have very high tolerance and seem unaware of behaviour that you would find unaccepting. Sometimes we feel that if we let issues get away from us, the child will be completely lost, out of control and unmanageable. They grow up with little accountability, responsibility, etc.
This article is to remind us that we can let go a little and still find great success in managing our children. I have often reflected on all the children that went through my schools. I was fortunate to keep in touch with many and therefore, I had the joy in watching the children grow to young adulthood. Despite the struggles of parents and ups and downs in the family, most children grew into wonderfully well-rounded adults. Perhaps you could say “tongue in cheek” despite their parents!
What I learnt is that sometimes we take everything in rearing our children so seriously. They know and read our values very well. They also see how we live with them and around others. They notice our moods and temperaments and will often connect with us, subject to the ease with which we are approachable.
Ever thought about your tolerance level compared to others?
Above all we need to set the scene, to allow our children to engage comfortably with us. Sometimes in our conversations we outline valid points, but most of the time we aim to negotiate so that they also feel the winner. There are no rewards in parenting for being right all the time and for insisting on having your way. That borders on control and use of power.
Consider the following in rearing your child:
Be patient and understand that each situation is not the end of the world. It will pass and there will be other occasions to discuss as time goes by.
Put things into proportion. It is a child’s problem and should be understood in that context. It will definitely pass and be replaced by yet another situation.
Consider the long haul. You will be in discussion and negotiation with your child for years to come. Make it an enjoyable process for both of you.
Sometimes letting go of principles can be the best outcome. Holding on to old principles can sometimes drag both yourself and the child down. Check in with yourself to see if what you are holding onto is worth the anxiety. The world keeps changing. How you were reared and the expectations of the community are now quite different. The challenges your child faces are different.
Take a positive outlook to negotiation with your child and remind yourself how privileged you are to have this opportunity with your child. Happily exchanging thoughts and ideas with your child is a precious part of being a parent. Savour the occasions. If it all gets too much, simply hand the negotiation over to the other parent or simply create space between the discussion and the outcome.
Remind yourself that the child you are talking to now will be changing in the next few years. What does that mean for negotiations? It means that fairness and understanding should always prevail in conversation not matter what age the child is at the time.
Teachers who have the privilege of teaching children more that once across their primary life will often talk about how the child had grown in negotiating and responding to different situations. Nothing is static with children. Therefore, how we work with our children, play or negotiate should also be organic. It should shift according to circumstances, wellness etc.
Our children are slowly learning about the human condition. When they engage with us, we need to let them see how justice and reasonability prevail at any age.
“Reduce life to its essence. It is mostly loving that matters…and lasts ”
How does a child make sense of so many mixed messages that come across the social media, television, newspapers,etc? No matter what age, a child from five to say a teenager, will hear and see various disturbing and confusing messages and images that can cause them to feel unsafe, uncertain and unsettled in their world.
We cannot absolutely shield them from everything. In fact, one would question the point of doing so. However, a child needs guidance and reassurance with so many disturbing images and anxious media messages that are ever present in our world today.
Children are quick to pick up bias, anger and intolerance. This can sometimes shut them down from talking about important worldly events.
We all recognise that anxiety is very much part of our modern society and younger children are experiencing serious anxiety at quite an early age.
To a child, the centre of their world is their parents. They listen and carefully interpret the messages that you give them. After all you hold the truth in their minds. In the messages that you give them, they are always checking in to ensure that it is reassuring and that they feel safe.
With this in mind, take care to interpret the world to them in a reassuring way even though there could be messages you tell them that are not pleasant or easy to hear.
For example, the recent event of mass violence brought on by racial hatred, needs to be talked through in a simple and reassuring way. How you speak to them dictates what they take away.
Lead them into the conversations gently:
“I want to talk to you about something that happened which makes me very sad.”
Keep in mind that your values and opinions will come through and this is a time to reflect on what messages you want to give your child about such matters as racism, violence etc. They listen with intent and will want to adopt your beliefs for reassurance and comfort.
Above all, let them see your compassion and genuine feelings. This registers with them as a message to follow suit.
Throughout their childhood, they will hear and see many images that make them unsettled. What you really want your child to do is to feel comfortable in coming to you for advice and understanding of the situation. This will happen if they see how capable and reassuring you are in your discussions with them.
Children are quick to pick up bias, anger and intolerance. This can sometimes shut them down from talking about important worldly events. After all they already know your opinion!
When working with children who had deep concerns, the one reason they chose not to talk to their parents was often due to the reactive way in which a parent would respond about a matter. The child would feel anxious about bringing up a topic that upset them and caused some reaction. They would feel guilty about causing that reaction and besides they already knew their opinion! Silence and seeking out other’s opinions is often the case.
In making sense of our messy unsettled world, listen to the child’s thoughts and reflections. Answer wisely, with clarity, unemotively and with compassion. Respect their right to have an opinion and affirm their interest in seeking clarification of important global events.
Our children will listen and be keen to make sense of difficult situations and of course seek reassurance from their primary source, the parents.
How often do you wonder when and if to interfere when siblings get angry with each other. Most parents try to settle the affairs with the best of intentions but sometimes, is it necessary to interfere?
Let us remind ourselves that all our children are significantly different in temperament, attitude to life, capacity to solve issues etc. No child develops in exactly the same way as each other.
Another compounding issue to create difference is the order of the sibling. Generally first children are more cautious, second children are more robust and by the time you get to third and fourth, they develop considerable survival and resilience skills, as parents treat them with considerable experience and more ease.
Teachers are always commenting on how different children in the same family learn and how they process information differently.
Here I say, let's celebrate the difference rather than feel the frustration of managing them!
When should we step into our children’s arguments and when shouldn’t we?
When they choose to fight consider the following:
Is this issue worth my involvement?
Is the conflict causing considerable distress to one of the children?
Is there bullying of a younger sibling?
Are their disagreements frequent or just occasional differences which are quite normal.
Is it always about the same issue?
Once you establish whether you consider your involvement necessary, take care to:
Talk to both children at separate times in a calm situation.
Listen with fairness.
When the behaviour is understood suggest that some compromises should be made by both parties.
Affirm the children for being prepared to calmly negotiate.
Agree to check in later to see if that angry feeling still exists in some form.
By doing these steps you are further teaching the child, the art of negotiation without coming up with solutions yourself (these generally never work well!).
When working with children, I was very conscious to consider their individuality and not to refer to their siblings specifically. Every child needs to have that sense of personal space to discuss their own emotional needs and to feel valued for who they are as individuals. This would mean that how you supported that child could be quite different for their siblings
Sometimes anger in the family unit between siblings is all about seeking the upper hand with attention. Recognising and affirming their differences is the best way to overcome their feeling of inferiority in a family. It is quite natural for the child to have feelings of doubt and insecurity. Your task is to reassure and value them for who they are with all its uniqueness.
It is also a realistic fact that families are complex settings with growing children, edging for attention, busy parents listening on the run and busy school weeks with high demands throughout.
Here are a few checks to help keep the family setting as calm and steady as possible:
Check in with the children once a week about issues that have caused them to be angry with each other.
Applaud efforts where a child shows a strong ability to negotiate with another sibling.
Play family games such as monopoly, pick up sticks etc.
Take care not to react too quickly when angry scenes occur. Take your time and in a calm setting, start the conversation.
Watch your communication with children ensuring that no one child is seen in a disadvantaged light to the other in the way you use language.
Above all, see the situation as resolvable and recognise that it will pass. Therefore, keep everything in proportion and move on from the situation quickly. Certainly, your child will move on quickly as all children generally do with unsettled sibling behaviour.
This is a precautionary word about the use of ineffective punishment at home.
I appreciate that when we get disappointed and angry with unacceptable behaviour, we can be quite reactive in disciplining children. Our response to our child often comes from your own experience in being reared and also your perception on life, timing, tiredness, etc.
When we see disappointing and unacceptable behaviour, it is natural to be unsettled and feel the desire to set the child on the right track. Sometimes, in anger we set punishments that are disproportionate and simply over reactive. It is incorrect to think that the more severe consequences, the greater likelihood the behaviour will change. In fact, the reverse often happens which causes the parent to spiral further down in frustration.
Remember that when we see behaviour that is unacceptable, we need to primarily find the drivers that led to that behaviour. This is best done through active listening which I have mentioned in many articles.
Once the active listening uncovers the real reason for the behaviour , the parent is in a better situation to understand, have less reaction time and begin to talk through the issue.
Here are some very obvious reasons why over reactive inappropriate punishment can lead to further disengagement with your child:
How much punishment is too much punishment?
Children learn quickly what to say to parents who over react. They develop a 'sixth sense' to protect themselves and this will involve further poor behaviour.
Avoidance becomes a way of life for a child who feels that understanding is low in a parent and consequences for behavior are profound. They become 'street smart' around their parents which will involve spending less quality time with the parent.
Another tactic used by children is to water down the truth, create alternative stories to what really happened for fear of consequences. A child can become quite skilled in diverting the truth when fearful of parental reaction.
A child will gravitate around someone that listens and places no judgement on them. If they feel that they cannot get effective listening from parents they will seek out others with which to discuss their problems. Such company may not be the best for the child but they will seek reassurance.
A child who hides the truth for fear of consequences actually becomes very sad. This can lead to further emotional complications over time.
The following are suggestions to keep your child engaged with you despite inappropriate behavior.
·Let them know that you can be trusted. You will listen and plan to understand before setting consequences and they will be actively involved in setting those consequences.
As a family talk about how important it is to be truthful and give examples of how this leads to better outcomes.
Know your tolerance levels. If you have low tolerance for certain behavior, are you the best parent to deal with that matter?
It is also useful to talk about mistakes you made as a child and how it was dealt with in your childhood. If it was poorly managed, stress how you want to avoid repeating this pattern with your child. If the management was helpful and positive to you the child, discuss how you want to emulate such parenting.
Take care not to discuss how other parents manage discipline. Children reflect on your thoughts about such matters.
When discussing matters that are emotive and could lead to consequences, ensure that you are talking to them in a safe place and not a public venue. Children need space to process what is being said to them. It also shows respect for their privacy. It is best to say:
“We need to discuss what just happened. When we are at home we can talk further about the matter.”
Remember that your child will gravitate around the parent that shows warmth, authenticity and fairness. Giving consequences is generally acceptable to children, if it is done with both parent and child understanding its purpose and equally being engaged in the process.
Once consequences are given, move on quickly with no reference to earlier situations.
Keep everything in proportion. After all, you are dealing with children's behavior. They are gradually developing their sense of reason and will be looking to the parent for encouragement along the way. Understand that making mistakes is an opportunity to grow.
The child you understand at six years of age will be quite different at nine or twelve. Allow them time to process their behaviour and understand it in the context of their life.
“In my world there are No Bad Kids.
Just impressionable, conflicted young people, wrestling with emotions and impulses
Trying to communicate their feelings and needs the only way they know how.”
Parents often begin to notice differences in themselves when it comes time to being a parent and managing their children.
This is so normal. Both parents will have had different sets of rearing in their own life. Some may have seen a firm father who dealt with the discipline in an authoritative way. Others may have seen a gentle more relaxed father, who was easy to talk to about problems.
Often ethnicity of the parent will strongly influence their rearing style.
Also parents may have been the first second or third siblings which would of course influenced how they were reared. An only child had quite a different experience with rearing.
It was quite common when working with families to hear them comment on how different their rearing had been and how this fact had strongly influenced their management of children. It was often only realised after they had children.
No surprises that, this can cause tension in a family. After all, once children are on the scene, how you relate to your spouse changes and how much quality time you have for your relationship also alters. Resentment can build if a parent becomes dissatisfied with their overall capacity to manage the family, or if they feel support is not apparent.
Let me reassure you that it is normal to have come from different sets of families and we should be grateful for the difference and see it as a strength not a weakness.
Children are very wise in determining which parent will listen and be sympathetic to their needs. They will naturally gravitate around that person in times of need. However, children need the richness of both parent’s style of management and background. From time to time they should be engaging with both parents on important matters rather than gravitating around the one that is more compliant.
Here are a few tips on how to work with children whilst accepting different styles in parenting.
Be open with your child. Tell them that sometimes mummy understands things well and other times dad is better at discussing concerns.\
Be authentic. Your child will quickly work out your limits in coping with situations.
Use family time to talk about how you were both reared. This gives the child an understanding of how you learnt about parenting and what presses your buttons.
Ensure that from to time you illustrate how the other parent is important in working through issues.
Both parents on a common front do need to be effective listeners to their children. However, it is quite reasonable to say after listening:
“It sounds like that is quite a problem for you. Mum would have a very good understanding of how to support you in that area. Let’s talk to her.”
Here you are listening and recognising the better support for your child. It is worthwhile showing the child that you are a united front in listening to the child. No matter what your style, without the skill of listening, where the child feels valued and heard, nothing more will work.
If a child discusses issues with both of you, remember that helping the child to negotiate through a problem is the best option.
“I am not sure what the best option is. Together let’s brainstorm some solutions”.
When it comes to managing poor behaviour, consider your tiredness and suitability to manage the issue. Sometimes if a child has repeated poor behaviour, consider the other parent working through the issue with your child. Sometimes a parent just needs respite from handling repetitive difficult situations.
“I am really finding it difficult to help you at the moment, let’s talk to dad about that.”
As a family, discuss family issues together. This teaches the child that although there may be different opinions you all work together on matters and respect everyone’s position.
“Let’s talk about dinner time. Everyone needs to help and so far mum is doing all the work. I am sure we can find a way forward.”
In schools, some parents at the beginning of each year would become anxious about the new personality or style of teacher. Perhaps they would not suit their child. After all their child has accustomed themselves to the previous teacher.
The fact that the child was learning about how adults operate differently was in fact a good thing. It challenged the child to respond to a new style of leadership in the best possible way. They were exercising their mind to work differently with a new teacher who would have their own style of responding to different situations.
Similarly, parenting styles if different and handled with care can benefit a child in recognising how to work differently with people and to respect various opinions and approaches all driven by their own experience.
Do you have a child that gets quite upset when they see others not being fair or just? Some children become quite distressed if fairness is not followed through when incidences occur.
A chart can help an understanding of justice in a child's world.
At a very young age, some children have a very well developed sense of fairness which at times makes them isolated from other less developed children who display selfishness, break rules in games etc. This can be a difficult area for parents who in managing a family have to set rules which at times are adjusted to suit shifting demands.
Is it any wonder that children with a strong sense of justice become quite distressed when they see fairness break down and rules seem different for others?
I recommend firstly applauding the child for their mature sense of fairness and in fact read books where the heroes are children who win the day because of their sense of justice.
Draw up a chart where the child has the opportunity to rate the situation where they became angry due to unfairness. Give it a rating out of five. Talk it through with them explaining that other children are on a journey to get better at fairness. This gives the child a chance to tell you why it wasn't fair and together you suggest what could have happened to make it better.
This is a wonderful time to talk about how everyone's mind is developing and working towards getting better at fairness. Keep the chart somewhere visible and as each incident is discussed it may help them to understand how others are still working on building their understanding of fairness.
It is also a chance for you to tell your child how proud you are of their developed sense of fairness and tolerance to others. You could also invite the child to rate their distress at the incident in the hope that after a while they learn to lower their distress,
This is a tricky area given the shifting understandings of justice in a child's world. This activity helps to ease their anxiety and affirm their credibility.