Who remembers their upbringing? Well, one thing is for certain as soon as you become a parent, you begin to reflect on your own upbringing. As the child becomes more independent, patterns of how your parents dealt with various situations looms large in your mind. It was not uncommon to hear from parents how they found themselves repeating words that their parents had said to them when growing up. Some parents were anxious not to repeat the same child rearing as their parents and so they sometimes overcompensated with their children which led to other problems.

Having your own children causes you to reflect more deeply on your own childhood.

As parents from different upbringings, we bring to the table, different ideas about how to raise our children. No surprises here that this can cause some tension between parents.

Also it is no surprise that the child will gravitate around the parent less punitive, less judgemental and often more relaxed in listening. This can sometimes cause more frustration on the part of the other parent who feels that the child needs more discipline.

This article reminds us that firstly we need to accept that parents may have different understandings of child rearing and together parents bring a lot to the table. There is no absolute right or wrong. The best way to manage this situation is to agree as parents that you are honest with your child in acknowledging that sometimes parents see things differently. The child is very aware of this and the more it is understood in the family, the better for all. I would also suggest that as parents consider attending a small parenting course together. This brings out the differences but especially focuses on how certain common factors in parenting should be shared by both parents.

As a family discuss important issues together as this will give both parents a chance to look at the matters in hand.

Sometimes one parent is better at dealing with some issue and as a couple agree on when this should happen.

Having a united front can sometimes be overwhelming for the child as they feel they have no place to go in discussing and negotiating their problems.

Both parents could practice the following:

Never be over reactive when hearing about a situation. After all you want your child to keep talking. Listen with interest before you ask questions and work through the issue. If a parent feels that they may be reactive to what is being discussed then I would recommend that this could be a matter for the other parent.
Ensure that your child understands that both parents are good listeners and that sometimes one parent may work through the matter rather than the other or both parents. Being consistent can be difficult. This is why discussing all the ins and outs of the situation are important before making decisions.

The more parents make themselves available to the child, the greater chance of children being open to both parents in their discussions.

When talking to parents I noticed that those children who had authentic relationships with their parents felt that home was a safe place to talk about matters. They would often tell me how their parents reacted to different situations but would comfortably say, “I can talk to mum or dad”.

It is also helpful to talk to the child about your childhood so that they can understand your journey as a child. This helps them reflect on the differences in their family.

The one factor parents have in common is that they care for their child and want them to grow up happy and well adjusted. Parents can be different, be a capable listener and genuine in how they communicate with their child.