From the moment of conception we are working toward bonding with our child. As a parent and grandparent, attachment continues all your life with your close family and intimate friends. Of course it goes through various changes as relationships mature and change. This article is to remind us that attachment with our child is all about beginning the preparation to let them go. We attach and bond to begin their journey leading to the ultimate development of their own person. This is sometimes hard for parents to understand. There is a myth that a good parent is present and active in the life of their child always. This is not the case!

Giving your child opportunities to show signs of independence is telling them that you trust them and still want to be part of their exciting journey to independence.

Bonding with your child should at all times be healthy for both you and the child. Once a child is at school, it is very evident to teachers that the child is formally beginning their journey to independence. They are warmly and securely attached to their parents who start the process of little by little, giving them independence. This is all about walking with the child and not carrying them, especially when the road gets a little rough. It is about being around and available and listening to their cries, but not solving their fears and resolving their issues.

Healthy attachment is when the child knows that they can rely on your deep presence, but that you allow them to make mistakes. You are there to console and discuss, but give them the credibility to work on solutions. Attachment is about changing the way you work with your growing child. As they demand more independence, you gently nudge them into having a go, taking on risk and you are there to console and celebrate the success and failures. You are there to hear the sadness, empathetically understand the disappointment and encourage them to keep on with their endeavours.

A parent well attached to their child, knows instinctively when to back off, come in for extra support and to have stronger presence when needed. It is also about attaching in an emotionally mature way, knowing when and how, to step in and out of situations in which the child finds themselves.

Here are some tips on being the parent that attaches to their child enabling them to free themselves from the heavy cocoon where we then see the beautiful butterfly emerge . You are the branch on which such a cocoon rests. Here it gains nourishment along its journey to new life.

Remember that physical contact such as regular cuddles, affirming words at bedtime are healthy to remind the child that you love them.
Read the signs with your child. If they are becoming unsettled. Are there things you can put in place to help them resolve it? Being proactive is important.
Have you set up home to have quiet times together. This helps to remind them of how strongly you care about them.
You can always affirm from a distance . This means that if you here of good things happening at school talk about them. Perhaps you do not need to be present on all occasions. It is good to know that you care from a distance as well.
Unhealthy attachment is when a parent smothers the child and demands a strong presence in most aspects of their life. This can take on quite a bit of control. Show your child that you do not need to have a presence on all occasions as you trust their capabilities. You simply let them know that you look forward to hearing all about their exploits.
When parents display unhealthy attachments, the child often gives up seeking independence and thinking for themselves. Remind your child that you love hearing stories of how they showed independence. This encourages the child to act independently.
Check in with yourself occasionally to make sure you have the balance right. Sometimes the busy weeks can be all about control and management. Have you recently given your child some scope in that busy week to express themself?

There is nothing more liberating for a growing child as when their parents give them time with friends alone, or walk to school etc. Giving your child opportunities to show signs of independence is telling them that your trust them and still want to be part of their exciting journey to independence. You show excitement when you see them take such steps. This is all about maintaining healthy attachment, sharing in the voyage to independence and celebrating the shifting dynamics in your maturing relationship.

“The way we treat our children directly impacts on what they believe about themselves.”

— Ariadne Brill