Every child will encounter a mix of excitement and anxiety at the start of a new school year. Gail Smith shares tips on actions you can take to ease the pressure for your child and let them know you are navigating this journey together.
Read More1. Family chats about coming out of the lockdown
Gather as a family and talk about what it will be like going back to school after a long time. Let your child talk about their fears and anxious thoughts, which will generally be all about re-establishing friends, feeling safe and getting back their feeling of confidence in learning. Don’t be surprised or challenged by what they have to say, as it is their time to talk freely about their worries.
2. Reassure your child that school is a safe place
Reassure them that they will be in safe hands and that their health will be a big consideration with the school. Some children may be anxious about leaving the safety of home given the pandemic discussions that are around. It may have been a lockdown, but for a child, the home created a safe haven. Give your child accurate information about the pandemic, but make it age appropriate. This is important, as unsettling gossip at school can destabilise a child.
3. Plan you way out of the lockdown
Design a plan which may involve you taking them to school, talking to the teacher etc. whatever makes them feel that you are still present in their lives away from home. This will make the transition a more secure one and will build trust in the child in resuming school.
4. Change can bring feelings of grief
Never underestimate that your child will experience some grief in letting you go. The concentrated time they have spent with you has been for them a time of getting to know their parents more deeply and feeling comforted by your reassuring presence. Therefore, when school resumes, consider still spending dedicated quality time with them as going cold turkey will be very unsettling, especially for younger children.
5. Make home a consistent and safe place
Re-establishing themselves in a school setting will take time as routines and school patterns are slowly re-established or created. Keep home life consistent so that the child feels secure in the boundaries and familiar environment they know and enjoy. Their home has been a comfort zone for quite some time.
6. Check in with your child regularly.
Check in with them regularly about how they are coping back at school. It will be natural that they will have ups and downs, not the least of which will be friendships. They may wish to tell you all is well as not to upset you. However, be open to conversation and not too probing in questions.
‘Sometimes starting school after a long break can be difficult. I wonder how you are going with it?”
7. Never underestimate the effect of change
Going back to school is an immense change. Don’t underestimate its impact on the child. Therefore, adapt or moderate the family lifestyle to accommodate how your child is coping. This may mean some compromises or simply ensuring that quality time with family is maintained.
8. Affirm your child’s efforts in being a change agent
Affirm your child’s efforts in returning to school. This is quite a challenge for them on many levels. Your appreciation gives them some reassurance that they are doing their best under difficult circumstances and it is valued.
‘I am so proud that after a long time you can settle back into school. That is a big step after such a long break.’
9. Less talk about the things that bring us down
Keep negative chatter about the state of the pandemic down and talk about the positive aspects as we move forward. This is important to ensure that the children are not building negative thoughts, now that they are in the eyes and ears of a school community. Negative gossip can build anxiety.
10. Don’t underestimate the fatigue from such a change experience.
You may find your child may feel some fatigue, mental and physical in going back to school. This can be from all the new pressures and expectations placed on them which were not the case in the home environment. Plenty of rest at home and a gentle reintroduction into routines, sport etc. outside the home is the best way forward.
It is all about frequent checking in with their progress into the new framework of our post lockdown world.
What a busy time for all as you prepare to pack away the Summer fun holiday items and get ready for the regularity of school. We can all get a little overwhelmed and irritable about getting back to routine especially given the unease of last year.
Your child will be mentally getting ready for school challenges and of course, will have in mind the journey of 2020. My advice here is to not get caught up in making the start of the school year too perfect. Let the child gently ease into the school and discover along the way what their new environment will offer. There may be school rules and discussion about hygiene etc. Your child needs to understand what the new norm is in the school and they will begin to adopt to changes and shifts in how the school may be operating.
Here are some thoughts about how to keep the beginning of the school year upbeat and optimistic.
Talk positively about the new year. Discuss as a family something that you are all looking forward to in the near future. This could be some event that wasn’t possible last year.
Listen well to what the child tells you about school and if there are changes talk about how you applaud the school’s effort to keep everyone safe and healthy.
Check in with your child to make sure anxious gossip about health matters regarding CO-VID 19 is accurate and that your child is not anxious about what they hear around the schoolyard.
If your child is not in prep and you are not in the habit of dropping them off, I recommend being with them before school a few times. This gives them extra reassurance and that reassurance helps at this stage of the year. Remember that there are still some residual anxieties around from last year.
If your child is a little anxious about full-time school and missing you, show them on a calendar the school holidays and that there will be plenty of occasions to just be family once again.
For some children being home for so long last year was a comfort and they will need time to adjust to a regular school schedule. A day working online at home does not equate to a full active day at school.
Talk positively about their friendships and encourage your child to be friendly to all class members. Take an in inclusive approach to the matter of friends. Often at the beginning of the year it can be divide and conquer with regard to establishing friendships in the class. The less confident child may take more time to establish friends or perhaps lose confidence in re-establishing themselves with friends.
A great tool at this stage of the year is to set up a chat box in your child’s room. If they have anything, they want to talk about they can include this in the box. At special times probably bedtime together you can talk about these issues.
If you are busy working, school can slip easily from your thoughts. Check their bags each night for notes and of course emails from teachers. An occasional email to the teacher to check-in is also a good idea.
Above all, keep the term optimistic and affirm your child’s steady progress into the life of the school in 2021.
“Optimism. It’s not just a mind-set. It is behaviour.”
Firstly, let’s consider the amazing journey in learning that your child has been on over the past few weeks. It comes with excitement, some boredom, new ways of learning, changed relationships with parents, insecurity about friends and so the list goes on. Your child’s awareness of the bigger world and its implications for their life and safety are quite vivid in their thinking.
The memory of this experience will remain with them for some time to come. When they are grown, they will reflect on this unique time in their life. The good news about returning to school is that children are so flexible and given that all children have experienced the journey of being isolated from friends, they will all approach the school setting with caution and optimism. This may mean new friendships may be formed. It may mean that they are more aware of their surroundings and the difference it presents from homeschooling. Whatever their sensations and feelings, they have grown existentially over the past few months and this will manifest itself perhaps in some changed behaviour and or responses to situations.
What can you do to support your child while returning back to school?
What can you do to support the child? Here are some tips on making the transition back to school a comfortable one.
Simply be aware that there will be differences in your child. They may say unusual things and act a little differently to normal habits. Just accept the difference and engage in healthy conversation. Remember that for some children especially the more vulnerable and younger children, they may experience some grief leaving the home nest.
It is a good idea to occasionally say: “Being back at school must be exciting and different. I wonder how you feel about it now?” Here you are inviting conversation and not demanding an immediate response.
If your child reacts with a message that school is too much and I want to stay home, you will need to gently discuss what is on their mind.
“It seems that you are anxious about some school issues. Do you want to talk about it?”
Be prepared that from time to time your child may be unsettled about getting back to routines. Discuss the weekly routines as a family and prepare them for what tomorrow brings.
Talk about how happy you are for them to be back at school. Take care not to make statements talking about how you miss them and wish we were all home again.
Give very clear messages about how getting back to school will look like for you as a family. A child needs to feel that routines and home/ school environments work in well together. Of course, there may be some practical changes.
Reassure your child that they are safe returning to school. They will be fearful if they feel you are nor certain about their return to school safely with coronavirus still present in society. Remind them that responsible adults are making very special precautions for their safety and you trust them implicitly.
Take care not to probe them with heavy questions when they get home, especially about hygiene questions. Obviously, you need to talk about how they took care with themselves in keeping distances, washing hands etc., but they will become frightened if you place doubt on the school’s capabilities of caring for them. This will only make them feel vulnerable and more anxious about attending school.
If you have queries about the school’s hygiene habits do not talk around the child but independently contact the teacher for reassurance.
Affirm the school for all the efforts and care they are taking around your child. This helps your child feel confident.
Children will be anxious about resuming relationships with friends. You can help them by being an effective listener, encouraging your child to find new friendships and display affirmation when they show initiative in building relationships with others.
We are now experiencing a new norm for your child. There will be some hurdles to jump now that your child returns to school. Your parenting is so important in steering their re-entry to school with warmth, reassurance and understanding. Naturally, there will be some regret on your part that they are no longer present each day of your life for twenty-four hours. Time now to share them with the bigger world.
“It’s not what happens to you but how you react to it.”
From the moment of conception we are working toward bonding with our child. As a parent and grandparent, attachment continues all your life with your close family and intimate friends. Of course it goes through various changes as relationships mature and change. This article is to remind us that attachment with our child is all about beginning the preparation to let them go. We attach and bond to begin their journey leading to the ultimate development of their own person. This is sometimes hard for parents to understand. There is a myth that a good parent is present and active in the life of their child always. This is not the case!
Giving your child opportunities to show signs of independence is telling them that you trust them and still want to be part of their exciting journey to independence.
Bonding with your child should at all times be healthy for both you and the child. Once a child is at school, it is very evident to teachers that the child is formally beginning their journey to independence. They are warmly and securely attached to their parents who start the process of little by little, giving them independence. This is all about walking with the child and not carrying them, especially when the road gets a little rough. It is about being around and available and listening to their cries, but not solving their fears and resolving their issues.
Healthy attachment is when the child knows that they can rely on your deep presence, but that you allow them to make mistakes. You are there to console and discuss, but give them the credibility to work on solutions. Attachment is about changing the way you work with your growing child. As they demand more independence, you gently nudge them into having a go, taking on risk and you are there to console and celebrate the success and failures. You are there to hear the sadness, empathetically understand the disappointment and encourage them to keep on with their endeavours.
A parent well attached to their child, knows instinctively when to back off, come in for extra support and to have stronger presence when needed. It is also about attaching in an emotionally mature way, knowing when and how, to step in and out of situations in which the child finds themselves.
Here are some tips on being the parent that attaches to their child enabling them to free themselves from the heavy cocoon where we then see the beautiful butterfly emerge . You are the branch on which such a cocoon rests. Here it gains nourishment along its journey to new life.
Remember that physical contact such as regular cuddles, affirming words at bedtime are healthy to remind the child that you love them.
Read the signs with your child. If they are becoming unsettled. Are there things you can put in place to help them resolve it? Being proactive is important.
Have you set up home to have quiet times together. This helps to remind them of how strongly you care about them.
You can always affirm from a distance . This means that if you here of good things happening at school talk about them. Perhaps you do not need to be present on all occasions. It is good to know that you care from a distance as well.
Unhealthy attachment is when a parent smothers the child and demands a strong presence in most aspects of their life. This can take on quite a bit of control. Show your child that you do not need to have a presence on all occasions as you trust their capabilities. You simply let them know that you look forward to hearing all about their exploits.
When parents display unhealthy attachments, the child often gives up seeking independence and thinking for themselves. Remind your child that you love hearing stories of how they showed independence. This encourages the child to act independently.
Check in with yourself occasionally to make sure you have the balance right. Sometimes the busy weeks can be all about control and management. Have you recently given your child some scope in that busy week to express themself?
There is nothing more liberating for a growing child as when their parents give them time with friends alone, or walk to school etc. Giving your child opportunities to show signs of independence is telling them that your trust them and still want to be part of their exciting journey to independence. You show excitement when you see them take such steps. This is all about maintaining healthy attachment, sharing in the voyage to independence and celebrating the shifting dynamics in your maturing relationship.
“The way we treat our children directly impacts on what they believe about themselves.”
Tricky times for everyone when this occurs.
It is so natural to get caught up with your own emotional roller coaster, that reflecting on the child’s emotional state can be secondary. Often a child will go quiet when separation occurs. In their minds they are waying up how valued they are in the parent’s eyes.
A child will often become worried that if one parent has gone, will they lose the other parent? This was quite common in discussion with children going through a family separation. Also their sense of being valued seemed at risk.
Being silent does not mean that children are coping with the situation.
Given that they become emotionally anxious, it was also common for a child to slip back academically and to feel socially less secure. A child looks carefully for signs of reassurance from parents when family circumstances change.
I appreciate the above sounds daunting. However, with careful planning and engaging your child in the transformation of the family, they come through with a reassured sense of their place in the new structures of the family.
Here are some suggestions to help with the journey of separation.
Keep your child in the loop within reason. There is nothing more insecure for a child than not being aware of what is really happening. Being honest is very important to the child, who will look for information elsewhere if not been given the truth. They will also imagine the worst if unsure about their position in the family.
Remember that a child loves both parents and no matter how you feel toward your ex-partner, to the child, they are still very important in their life. How you manage this is an individual family matter. The important factor here is to remember that your child has a totally different perspective to yourself on their other parent.
Speak in gentle terms to the child about why the relationship has broken down. They do not need to hear and feel the hostility or anger you may feel yourself.
Investing in a counsellor is very helpful as it gives the child the opportunity to talk independently to someone they trust. It enables them to express their feelings which can be difficult in the home setting for fear of upsetting the parent.
In my experience if a parent’s behaviour is quite reactive and volatile, the child will go very quiet and shut down with the parent. Being silent does not mean that they are coping with the situation.
There are some excellent children’s books on separation and divorce. These are excellent to read together in a safe and happy space.
As a parent you have much on your mind and you are of course going through your own traumas, grief etc. Choose your time wisely when talking to your child about the separation. If you are not feeling up to it then delay the chat. Better to have quality time together then broken and unsettling conversations.
Remember it is important for a child to feel happy. Even though life is tough remember to play, laugh and enjoy your child.
As custody orders come into the business of separation and divorce, take care to ensure that what is arranged is the least unsettling for the child. Include them in making decisions about what to pack, where to meet the other parent, etc. They need to take some ownership of this process overtime. This gives them more personal security.
Be careful with idle and loose conversations around the child. They are particularly sensitive to conversations around them when they are feeling vulnerable.
The age of the child when the separation occurs is important to understand how your sensitive talk goes with the child. A younger child should be spoken to very gently, calmly and not in long protracted explanations. They will catch on to what you say and feel the anxiety very quickly.
Remember that as the child grows with the separation, they will need to keep understanding how they fit into shifting family arrangements. This is especially the case when new partners enter the relationship or the parent goes through significant changes in their life.
Their journey in the family split is quite different from your experience. They will understand and reflect on it from different perspectives as they grow older. Their grief is also different and so we need to respect their right to travel through the journey of separation in their own way and in their own time.
“Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be.”