This is a precautionary word about the use of ineffective punishment at home.

I appreciate that when we get disappointed and angry with unacceptable behaviour, we can be quite reactive in disciplining children. Our response to our child often comes from your own experience in being reared and also your perception on life, timing, tiredness, etc.

When we see disappointing and unacceptable behaviour, it is natural to be unsettled and feel the desire to set the child on the right track. Sometimes, in anger we set punishments that are disproportionate and simply over reactive. It is incorrect to think that the more severe consequences, the greater likelihood the behaviour will change. In fact, the reverse often happens which causes the parent to spiral further down in frustration.

Remember that when we see behaviour that is unacceptable, we need to primarily find the drivers that led to that behaviour. This is best done through active listening which I have mentioned in many articles.

Once the active listening uncovers the real reason for the behaviour , the parent is in a better situation to understand, have less reaction time and begin to talk through the issue.

Here are some very obvious reasons why over reactive inappropriate punishment can lead to further disengagement with your child:

How much punishment is too much punishment?

Children learn quickly what to say to parents who over react. They develop a 'sixth sense' to protect themselves and this will involve further poor behaviour.
Avoidance becomes a way of life for a child who feels that understanding is low in a parent and consequences for behavior are profound. They become 'street smart' around their parents which will involve spending less quality time with the parent.
Another tactic used by children is to water down the truth, create alternative stories to what really happened for fear of consequences. A child can become quite skilled in diverting the truth when fearful of parental reaction.
A child will gravitate around someone that listens and places no judgement on them. If they feel that they cannot get effective listening from parents they will seek out others with which to discuss their problems. Such company may not be the best for the child but they will seek reassurance.
A child who hides the truth for fear of consequences actually becomes very sad. This can lead to further emotional complications over time.

The following are suggestions to keep your child engaged with you despite inappropriate behavior.

·Let them know that you can be trusted. You will listen and plan to understand before setting consequences and they will be actively involved in setting those consequences.
As a family talk about how important it is to be truthful and give examples of how this leads to better outcomes.
Know your tolerance levels. If you have low tolerance for certain behavior, are you the best parent to deal with that matter?
It is also useful to talk about mistakes you made as a child and how it was dealt with in your childhood. If it was poorly managed, stress how you want to avoid repeating this pattern with your child. If the management was helpful and positive to you the child, discuss how you want to emulate such parenting.
Take care not to discuss how other parents manage discipline. Children reflect on your thoughts about such matters.
When discussing matters that are emotive and could lead to consequences, ensure that you are talking to them in a safe place and not a public venue. Children need space to process what is being said to them. It also shows respect for their privacy. It is best to say:

“We need to discuss what just happened. When we are at home we can talk further about the matter.”

Remember that your child will gravitate around the parent that shows warmth, authenticity and fairness. Giving consequences is generally acceptable to children, if it is done with both parent and child understanding its purpose and equally being engaged in the process.
Once consequences are given, move on quickly with no reference to earlier situations.
Keep everything in proportion. After all, you are dealing with children's behavior. They are gradually developing their sense of reason and will be looking to the parent for encouragement along the way. Understand that making mistakes is an opportunity to grow.

The child you understand at six years of age will be quite different at nine or twelve. Allow them time to process their behaviour and understand it in the context of their life.

“In my world there are No Bad Kids.
Just impressionable, conflicted young people, wrestling with emotions and impulses
Trying to communicate their feelings and needs the only way they know how.”

— Angela Lansbury