No question about it, from time to time we need to use discipline with our children. I prefer to refer to it as ‘setting up consequences’ as the word discipline to me has harsh undertones. It alludes to administering harsh measures that can be felt for some time. After all, consequences are more about inviting your child to understand their actions and to deal with them in a responsible way. This does not in any way undermine the responsibility of the unacceptable action. In fact, it invites the child to take ownership of making mistakes.
Schools often use a method called restorative practice. It is primarily about a child acknowledging their wrongdoing after much listening and reflection. Together with the teacher, they put in place restorative action that will have consequences and healing for all parties. It encourages self-discipline and self-control. It invites children to reflect on their actions in the light of the problem.
This involves talking to children in a positive way about their behaviour.
“I am very disappointed that you broke that vase.
Together we need to find a way of dealing with this.”
You can invite the child to find the appropriate consequences and together you plan a way forward. Often using this method, you will find the child is quite hard on themselves. Care must be taken to work on the best consequences for the problem not always the harshest.
“Now that we have dealt with this matter, how can we avoid it happening again?”
Here we invite some proactive thoughts on moving forward and avoiding the same problem.
Also, affirm the child once the behaviour and consequences are complete.
“Well done. You understand that what you did was wrong and you have made me feel better now. We can move on.”
The most important part of giving consequences is to move forward after the consequences are finished. For the child, the most important part of healing is knowing that they are forgiven and that you still love them despite their problems.