Are you ready for your child becoming a teenager?
Maybe you have already seen some signs in your 10, 11 or 12 year old. Signs of adolescents can gradually creep into your child’s changing behaviour slowly, or with an almighty thud! Either way its best to know and understand the signs so that you, now the proud parent of a teenager, can adjust. Believe me, adjusting is necessary for your continued growth as a parent.
As your child becomes a teenager, parents will be challenged and of course there will be some moments of grief, realising that you have lost the child that seemed so vulnerable and needy. In fact you may struggle to recognise what they have become and especially if their attitude turns brittle and defensive. Fear not they all come out the other end as caring, young adults, just like the butterfly from the cocoon. However, you play a part in this transformation. So your adjustment and change in living and empathetically working with your emerging teenager is so necessary.
Think back to when you became a teenager. Did you have challenges with your parents? How were they handled? What would have helped you through that time? Do you have fond memories of those adults that listened and understood you?
Consider:
Becoming a teenager means that they will be more sensitive about what you say to them and how you speak to them. They are gradually discovering who they are and need your understanding in cutting them some slack when they say and do things that seem unacceptable to you. They are also very conscious about their looks, their weight and how their peers see them. They will be in and out of feeling good about themselves. Your gentle encouragement here and acceptance of their change is really needed. I would say tolerance is especially needed.
They are at an age where they want to be making their own decisions. Guide them in this. Be a negotiator with gradual authority going over to them. Include them in family plans. Invite their opinion and listen to suggestions they make. They need to feel credible and valued. Affirm their thoughts and sometimes consider giving way to some things that are important to you. There will be mistakes, but this is a time of learning and discovery.
Now that they are a teenager they will want and need their own space. They need to feel freer and less exposed to all the family, especially younger siblings. If it is possible to find some more space for them this would be helpful. Now is a time to recognise that they are individuals who want some privacy.
When having family discussions, try to be more inclusive of their opinions. Let them see that you appreciate their opinions and their ideas are considered when planning. This may mean having conversations that are considered a bit more for an adult without younger siblings present. The more your adolescent feels that you are making allowances for their maturation, the happier will be your relationship.
Give them space and don’t be surprised if you notice changes in how they think, what they believe in and who they now want to befriend. It is a time for sorting out and taking on new values etc. Be a listener and gently affirm their actions of course within reason. Never compromise your values, but you are showing that you are a reasonable person that is happy to accept change within reason.
Understand that differences will be evident and they will naturally want to reject some of your much loved values and beliefs. Be patient and whilst you still need to maintain your own credibility, show tolerance for the differences they are now presenting.
Finally there is an expression:
‘The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.’
In my experience the foundations you have set will be deeply entrenched overtime in your child. They may go through a period of rejection as they challenge what has been given to them. When they take on adulthood you may find your values repeated in their life. Maybe with a few modern twists thrown in.
‘Let go of preconceived notions and prejudices. Expect surprises; expect miracles.’
Michael Joseph