There is a silent, steady power present in being courteous. You are stronger by nature of your courteous style. By treating someone with dignity no matter how different your thoughts are, there is little with which to argue. After all, they see how you accept them as legitimate. You accept their right to have a voice, which gives you a voice.
Read MoreLet's refer to our younger children, preschoolers and possibly up to ten years of age. A concern parents sometimes have is finding the truth from tricky situations that usually end up in tears etc.
When a child is under pressure and feels some anxiety in explaining a situation which could lead them into trouble and no doubt prove their guilt, it is not uncommon that they can fantasise situations to avoid the truth. To me, this is not actually lying but is the child's mind finding a coping mechanism to ensure that the child's anxieties stop rising. This is sometimes hard for parents to accept, especially if the truth is very obvious. Sometimes, with older children, they will focus on the blame and shaming of others involved or those that caused them to do the wrong thing. This is displacement and yet another way of coping by not telling the truth and once again reducing their anxiety levels.
Of course a vicious cycle then can switch into action. The parents becomes angrier and more frustrated and so the child recognising the heightened level of stress will hold on to their fantasy to save their emotional state. Sometimes they simply become silent which further frustrates parents.
Let's look at this another way. If we want the truth, we need to set up an environment that not only encourages the truth, but also affirms and celebrates the child's ability to speak the truth.
Here are some strategies that families can use to encourage children especially younger ones where reasoning has not yet fully developed.
When a child says the truth even over incidental and less emotive reasons affirm them.
“Thanks for telling the truth about the spilt milk. I know that you understand how slippery and dangerous it can be on the floor”. In other words, you recognise that telling the truth improved the situation.
As a family talk about how telling the truth is important to you. Talk about people you know and value that always tell the truth. Are they well respected?
Sometimes children's movies have elements around telling the truth. If watching one, highlight the advantages in speaking the truth.
When an incident occurs watch your body language. If you appear hostile and anxious to know the truth, you may not get it as emotional barriers quickly rise in the child. Talk about a time perhaps as a child yourself where you found it difficult to tell the truth. How did you feel afterwards when it was all over?
If a child does fantasise the truth, do not be critical of their story but rather indicate that you have listened and you are still needing to find the true reason.
“I hear what you have told me. I am feeling upset that I need other information about what has happened and I hope you can help me.”
When the truth is given, remember that forgiveness and moving on are very important.
Your unconditional love for your child is clear when you can move on from the problem, especially when they have been truthful.
In working with children, especially those that sadly were sent to me for some unacceptable behaviour, I would begin by saying:
“I am hoping you can help me find out about the incident as I need to help everyone concerned”.
This is being proactive. It then put the child in a less vulnerable situation and shifted the guilt to the centre of the problem. Once the child admitted their involvement, it was a matter of thanking them for their honesty before dealing with the overall problem. This comfortably led them to be honest with some credibility for being truthful.
Maintaining a child's dignity is important throughout this whole exercise.
Here are some strategies that families can use to encourage children especially younger ones where reasoning has not yet fully developed.