Children can see failure as part of their success
This certainly sounds contradictory! However, what is important here is the fact that failure happens all the time from the moment a child tries to open a jar with a firm lid, knocks over blocks through to failing at school through friendships, learning in the classroom, etc. It is a daily event.
What we need to teach our children is that failure is an acceptable way of growing and learning. It is a natural part of our life occurring on a regular basis. Einstein would say that unless he failed in his experiments regularly, he would not learn where next to go in his work.
As a parent, we work hard to affirm and reassure our children that they can succeed. This is of course very important. However, we should teach them, that through our mistakes, we can grow and succeed. Failure is a sign that we have discovered an area in which to grow.
One of the best ways to do this is to use your own examples.
“Gosh, I have tried to make that recipe work. Sadly, I failed. I will get some advice from my friend who seems to make is so well.”
“Sadly, I was not successful in that job application. I will ask them what skills I needed so that I can improve my application next time.”
“I missed that turn off on the freeway. I will have to pay more attention to the road signs in future”.
The above examples illustrate that whilst you were not successful, you would use the experience to gain more insight. This is the key, teaching children that through error we find new ways to learn.
Don’t forget to applaud a child when they attempt to work through their failure.
“Well done. When you saw that you did not do well on that spelling test you checked in with the teacher for help. Bravo!”
In the school setting, teachers would often affirm children when they demonstrated that they had developed ways to work through their own problems. This was about taking ownership for their failures and understanding how to get the best from that experience. This was seen as success and applauded!
When working with children anxious about failure, it was quite common to chat about the times they had succeeded by working through a problem. It was about training them to recognise the value in just, ‘having another go’, finding a new way forward, experimenting with options.
“You didn’t find a friend on the yard when the bell went but you went looking for someone new on the yard. That was a clever way of moving on.”
There is an awareness that if everything comes too easily to a child, they will not learn the art of dealing with failure. They need to gradually work on the skills of being successful in managing their failure, turning it around and using it to grow.
Children need to recognise failure as a growth curve where they will embark on a new strategy to work through the problem. This makes them successful. Of course everything within reason.