Children can see failure as part of their success

This certainly sounds contradictory! However, what is important here is the fact that failure happens all the time from the moment a child tries to open a jar with a firm lid, knocks over blocks through to failing at school through friendships, learning in the classroom, etc. It is a daily event.

What we need to teach our children is that failure is an acceptable way of growing and learning. It is a natural part of our life occurring on a regular basis. Einstein would say that unless he failed in his experiments regularly, he would not learn where next to go in his work.

As a parent, we work hard to affirm and reassure our children that they can succeed. This is of course very important. However, we should teach them, that through our mistakes, we can grow and succeed. Failure is a sign that we have discovered an area in which to grow.

 One of the best ways to do this is to use your own examples.

Don’t forget to applaud a child when they attempt to work through their failure.

“Gosh, I have tried to make that recipe work. Sadly, I failed. I will get some advice from my friend who seems to make is so well.”

“Sadly, I was not successful in that job application. I will ask them what skills I needed so that I can improve my application next time.”

“I missed that turn off on the freeway. I will have to pay more attention to the road signs in future”.

The above examples illustrate that whilst you were not successful, you would use the experience to gain more insight. This is the key, teaching children that through error we find new ways to learn.

Don’t forget to applaud a child when they attempt to work through their failure.

“Well done. When you saw that you did not do well on that spelling test you checked in with the teacher for help. Bravo!”

In the school setting, teachers would often affirm children when they demonstrated that they had developed ways to work through their own problems. This was about taking ownership for their failures and understanding how to get the best from that experience. This was seen as success and applauded!

When working with children anxious about failure, it was quite common to chat about the times they had succeeded by working through a problem. It was about training them to recognise the value in just, ‘having another go’, finding a new way forward, experimenting with options.

“You didn’t find a friend on the yard when the bell went but you went looking for someone new on the yard. That was a clever way of moving on.”

There is an awareness that if everything comes too easily to a child, they will not learn the art of dealing with failure. They need to gradually work on the skills of being successful in managing their failure, turning it around and using it to grow.

Children need to recognise failure as a growth curve where they will embark on a new strategy to work through the problem. This makes them successful. Of course everything within reason.

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new… ”

— Einstein

Setting goals is all about helping a child plan well.

 Is setting goals something that you do during your week?

Indirectly or directly we are always planning ahead and we understand that in order to achieve certain outcomes by the end of the week, we need to complete some goals. For example, if we want to have a special dinner party on the weekend, we know that we need to plan the menu, purchase items, etc. Sometimes, we are unaware that we actually set goals for ourselves. We become very efficient at processing how to get our needs met. This article is about helping our child to value the planning process and to recognise how setting goals gives us better control of ourselves and helps us in self discipline.

At the beginning of the week ask the child what they would like to achieve perhaps at school by the end of the week. Once they give some indication of what they would like to achieve, talk about setting a  pathway to get to that point. For example, your child may be really keen to play soccer after school on Thursday. That is their goal. Tell them that this is a goal. Ask them what do they need to do before they can achieve that goal? Perhaps it is complete homework, do a few chores, exercise etc. Here we are simply encouraging the child to set realistic goals. When they achieve their goals, they gain the satisfaction of celebrating their contributions. They also own the process of achieving their goal.

Teachers are very well aware that when a child sets goals in their work, they discuss with them the steps to be taken to reach that goal. For example, if a child wants their spelling to improve they may set up a plan to learn words each night, get parents to hear them, etc. They design and own the strategies to achieve their goal and that gives them all the satisfaction. Also they learn to evaluate their steps and next time become more astute in choosing the best path to achieve their goals.

As a parent, encourage your child  to set simple goals. This could be with regard to home or school. Encourage them to plan out how they will achieve their goal. Make it simple as we are teaching the child the value of setting goals and hoping that they become conditioned to doing it more regularly.

In working with children who were showing some anxiety about school work,  I would first ask them to be clear about what aspects of their work were causing them some issues. I would then ask them to talk about strategies they had used in the past or would like to use to set the goal of feeling better about their work. Once they thought about it, I was amazed how they took more control of their problem. They were starting to control their anxiety.

As a parent, we can help by just listening and discussing their strategies to achieve their goal. Talking to them about your own personal goals and how you set them up will help them reflect on the positive impact goal setting  had in your life.

Encourage them along the way. Listen, affirm and applaud them when they have a go to achieve a goal. Remember, the point of this exercise is training children to value setting goals as a means to achieve their ends. The motivation behind setting the goal and finding strategies to achieve that goal is a key driver throughout this process.                             

 “If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy and inspires your hopes”. 

Andrew Carnegie

As a parent, we can help our children achieve their goals by listening and discussing their strategies. Teaching goal setting at a young age will greatly benefit our children right through to adulthood and beyond.