When is Success really Success?

Just about every time I would argue! All of us need to hear that we can achieve and that we have capabilities in varied and different ways. Sometimes this can be in simple matters. Sometimes it can be in more detailed and complicated ways. What is the key is the importance of hearing from others that you have simply done well? Your efforts are noted.

Success breeds success. A child needs to feel that they can achieve and that others most especially the parents, recognise this fact.

Words are powerful tools in building a child’s stamina.

Saying often: “Well done” goes a long way in the mind of a child. It says you know what you are doing. You have been successful. The likelihood of repeating success is higher once the child hears that they can achieve. Never under estimate the value of a simple, “well done”.

Teachers are very skilled at building in what I call “success busters” in their day. They are careful to ensure that all children receive a balanced dose of success busters across the day. They notice the difference when a child feels less inclined to contribute, feeling that they are not valued. It becomes an automatic tool to teachers who know by experience that you catch more people with honey than sour words.

“Thanks for cleaning up the paint. You did it so quickly”

“You have put so much effort into your work. Well Done”

“How clever you are when it comes to reading stories out loud. You read with so much expression.”

Notice that the more you mention the specifics of why they have been successful, the more legitimate the affirmation. It shows that you really notice what has made them so successful in your eyes.

Words are powerful tools in building a child’s stamina and giving them emotional reassurance that they have something valuable to offer.

In supporting a child by using careful targeted, reassuring language the following actually occurs:

• The child hears the words and finds satisfaction in the public announcement made to them and to others in earshot.

• The child feeds off such reassurance and is more likely to respond with confidence.

• The child is more likely to respond in positive ways to others. This is teaching them about thinking and acting positively. It is about teaching them by example that they are aware of people’s efforts.

In essence this article reminds us that building success comes from reassuring words and affirmation. It builds strong emotional foundations which are well needed when the negative and vulnerable times can become overpowering from time to time.

“The road to success is always under construction.”

— Author unknown. Kids activities.net

Making sense of a messy world for a child

How does a child make sense of so many mixed messages that come across the social media, television, newspapers,etc?  No matter what age, a child from five to say a teenager, will hear and see various disturbing and confusing messages and images that can cause them to feel unsafe, uncertain and unsettled in their world.

We cannot absolutely shield them from everything. In fact, one would question the point of doing so. However, a child needs guidance and reassurance with so many disturbing images and anxious media messages that are ever present in our world today.

Children are quick to pick up bias, anger and intolerance. This can sometimes shut them down from talking about important worldly events.

We all recognise that anxiety is very much part of our modern society and younger children are experiencing serious anxiety at quite an early age.

To a child, the centre of their world is their parents. They listen and carefully interpret the messages that you give them. After all you hold the truth in their minds. In the messages that you give them, they are always checking in to ensure that it is reassuring and that they feel safe.

With this in mind, take care to interpret the world to them in a reassuring way even though there could be messages you tell them that are not pleasant or easy to hear.

For example, the recent event of mass violence brought on by racial hatred, needs to be talked through in a simple and reassuring way. How you speak to them dictates what they take away.

Lead them into the conversations gently:

“I want to talk to you about something that happened which makes me very sad.”

Keep in mind that your values and opinions will come through and this is a time to reflect on what messages you want to give your child about such matters as racism, violence etc. They listen with intent and will want to adopt your beliefs for reassurance and comfort.

Above all, let them see your compassion and genuine feelings. This registers with them as a message to follow suit.

Throughout their childhood, they will hear and see many images that make them unsettled. What you really want your child to do is to feel comfortable in coming to you for advice and understanding of the situation. This will happen if they see how capable and reassuring you are in your discussions with them.

Children are quick to pick up bias, anger and intolerance. This can sometimes shut them down from talking about important worldly events. After all they already know your opinion!

When working with children who had deep concerns, the one reason they chose not to talk to their parents was often due to the reactive way in which a parent would respond about a matter. The child would feel anxious about bringing up a topic that upset them and caused some reaction. They would feel guilty about causing that reaction and besides they already knew their opinion! Silence and seeking out other’s opinions is often the case.

In making sense of our messy unsettled world, listen to the child’s thoughts and reflections. Answer wisely, with clarity, unemotively and with compassion. Respect their right to have an opinion and affirm their interest in seeking clarification of important global events.

Our children will listen and be keen to make sense of difficult situations and of course seek reassurance from their primary source, the parents.

What’s in a smile?

There is much to be said for a smile. Mother Theresa was known to say, “Love begins with a smile”. 

Our body language often speaks to a child more than words. How we communicate is not just through speech but also through our physical demeanour and especially the expressions on our face, volume of voice and the tone of voice. A child is keen to read all messages that you give them. Especially, if there are concerns or wants, behavioural issues etc.

We hear quite a lot about mindfulness and the value of remaining calm and steady in crisis, however difficult this may seem. It is actually true. The calmer and more in control you are, the more likely a child will relate to you over matters that are more significant.

Of course, the human condition sometimes makes it difficult not to express feelings that are quite obvious. We all get tired and reactive at times. Generally, children sense when our capacity to cope is down.

When working with children, I would notice how quickly they would switch off if I appeared unsettled or changed the way I normally reacted to situations. They were excellent at reading the signs. Therefore, I needed to recognise in myself when I was not ready to chat to children and find the time to listen. They would also tell me that they would carefully read their parent’s body language before talking to them about matters that troubled them.

If a child feels secure in our presence and the body language that we use around them is consistent, warm and inviting, they will invite us into their world.

The tone of our voice, how we stand and listen, where we situate ourselves when talking, how we use our hands, the space we take in chatting, all of these are body language signs which send messages to a child. Remember, the physical difference between you and a small child. Try and sit when discussing matters to give them more security. Use warm eye contact and keep the voice calm and steady. All of these behaviours reassures a child that the lights are green and chatting is worthwhile.

Consider the following:

• If you feel that you cannot remain calm and steady then delay talking to your child over a matter to be discussed.

• Let your child know if you would prefer to talk at another time when you felt more relaxed or less distracted.

• Keep steady and avoid doing other tasks while talking. Be present for that moment.

• Ensure that when you are chatting choose a place that will not distract you from staying focused.

• Your regular modelling of being consistent when talking to people is noticed by your child.

• As with positive modelling in body language, ensure you use positive talk while engaging in conversation.

• Learn from being positive with body language and notice your own improvements with each occasion.

Smile a lot. A child needs reassurance that all is well with the world.

“Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm”

— Publilius Syrus

A child needs reassurance that all is well with the world.

How to give children a way of understanding failure.

Growing up is such a learning curve on so many levels!

As an adult we understand through our developed emotional intelligence that failure happens to all of us. We also understand that sometimes it takes time and effort to turn failure into success.

We also learn that failure is another way of learning and growing stronger.

A child who has less experience and is not emotionally mature enough to understand failure can see it as quite a blocker to their learning. They can shut down quite easily, being more comfortable in not doing anything rather than “having a go”. The more frequently this happens, the longer it takes to change the patterns.

It is quite common to hear parents comment on how their child has stopped trying as they are scared of failure. After all, in their mind, the best defence is just not doing the work, if it gives you feelings of being unsuccessful. As a parent, this can be quite daunting, especially if you feel that you are always affirming them for their efforts.

I have seen this pattern in many children and no surprises, it is often the first child that struggles in this area. There is no simple answer, as it does require the child developing a set of skills to overcome this fear and this takes time and perseverance on the part of the supporting family. Below are some suggestions for supporting your child's developing  emotional awareness.

With a child who is finding their work never adequate or good enough, affirm different aspects of their work not just offering an overall affirmation.

“I really like the way you drew the line on the page. It's very straight”

 “I am so impressed that you started that sentence well.”

Here you are building positive comments in that are real and the child can see that it is genuine.  But take care not to constantly affirm as the child disengages from excessive, general affirmation.

Talk openly about failures that you have had to deal with and discuss the ways you solved the problem or at least handled the situation. Here you are reinforcing the concept that failure is part of everyday life. This is effective coaching without forcing solutions on a child.

There are wonderful books on building self worth and coping with failure. Book stores that cover emotion and feelings are excellent for this purpose. As you read the stories of how failure was a process that a child had to work through, discuss similar times in your own life.

Keep a success journal. This means that every time your child has felt that they overcome a feeling of failure, write about it as a family. Remember, we are affirming the efforts or tools that the child used to overcome the fear.

Also a success jar is fun where you add a marble every time a child works through a fear of failure.

Talk to your child's teacher about the areas that they notice cause anxiety in your child. This gives you some ideas on what areas to affirm at home. Remember to be specific when affirming.

Use the scale approach.

“You are anxious about that test? On a scale of one to ten how do you feel? Now what can we do to drop that number and slow the anxiety down?”

Here you acknowledge that sometimes you will still have anxiety about the problem but by finding ways to lower the fear, you can cope so much better.

Keep in mind that it is important to recognise their fears and not downplay their importance. This way they know you are really listening to them.

“It sounds to me like you are really worried about talking in front of the class. Tell me more about that feeling.” By listening honestly, the child will be comfortable in talking about their fears.

Discuss with the whole family how important it is to acknowledge the child's fear and encourage other less stressed siblings to not underplay their fear.

Learning to cope with fear is a gradual process and once a child develops some tools to cope better and feels success from this, they begin to strengthen their emotional maturity and identify in themselves the cues that lead to fear of failure.

Affirmation for your child's good work and success is important.  How much is too much and when is it needed?