How disappointed do we really feel?
It is certainly easy to feel disappointed with so many things that appear in life. Our children will from time to time let us down. They will be growing in their own way and will take directions that may disappoint us. This article is to invite us to reflect on those disappointments, which if left to fester, can cause major upsets and breaking down of trust and relationships with our child.
The following thoughts invite us to look at disappointments more realistically and give them a place that is manageable and reasonable.
Consider what kind of personality you have as this can reflect how you respond when disappointed and how tolerant you are in different situations. If you are a perfectionist, there will be many things that your child does that will disappoint you. If you are more relaxed, you will not notice certain behaviours that can be seen as disappointing by others. Of course, there are many variations within our personalities and if you are aware of your own tolerance level, this will help you cope better with some disappointments. After all, disappointment is about ourselves feeling displeased. The question is do disappointments worry others? It is quite a personal feeling.
Put things into perspective. When you get disappointed with your child, remember that they are only a child and things will pass. Time moves quickly around busy, growing children.
Watch your anger levels. If you are too quick to respond, consider if it is proportional to the problem. Can you manage your anger levels?
Be alert to the situations that will disappoint you with your child. Are there some issues you can just let go? Can you prevent disappointing situations from happening? Are you able to simply walk away and allow the disappointing feeling to dissipate? Do you hold on to disappointments?
Remember not to harbour the disappointment. Once the matter is dealt with, moving on quickly with children is important.
Take care that when you wish to express your disappointment to your child, remember to express it in terms they will understand.
“I am so upset that you broke the vase. It belonged to my grandmother.”
Teachers understand that when they become disappointed with a child’s behaviour, once it is dealt with, they need to move on in relationship quickly. This reassures the child that the bond between them is strong and unbroken. Often, the teacher will ensure that they affirm them for something positive soon after the event to give the child a small boost back to normal. This helps to keep fuelling the normal relationship and it is sound advice also for parents.
If you find that you seem to be having frequent disappointments, take stock of the situation. Is your child in the best zone with you? Maybe you need some time out together or perhaps less concentrated time together. Too many disappointments happening frequently can only lead to deepening damage in the relationship and a longer recovery.
Finally, it is natural to have disappointments with our child. It is also natural and appropriate that a child would understand that they have disappointed you. What is necessary is to keep everything in proportion, remembering that you are dealing with a child’s problem and that it will generally pass.
“No expectations, no disappointments.”