Now that children are back at school and getting orientated around a new school year, keep an eye out for the creeping nature of self-doubting or more destructively known as self-downing. Children are very prone to make comparisons with other children. It is natural. What is a concern is when they begin to see themselves as less worthy or less capable. They can make strong connections between their self-worth and their performance.

From an early age, we need to build a sense of self-acceptance. This is separate from performance. It is all about building a strong self-image and yes that will come with some failures and lack of success from time to time. That’s touching on building resilience which should strengthen self-acceptance.

Consider:

Be repetitive. Tell them often that they are worthwhile and outline what makes them unique.
Notice that they start to recognise that they can’t be perfect at everything and affirm that concept.‘Well done. You know how capable you are and sometimes not everything goes your way. That’s normal.’

Here are some parenting tips for your child to increase their self-worth and reduce self-doubting.

Teach them by your own example, that making mistakes is natural. It has nothing to do with how worthwhile you are as a person. You still like and value who you are.
Show them that we all have strengths and weaknesses. It’s part of life. Let them see that we can also learn from experiences where we are a little weak. That makes us stronger and feeds into our self-worth.
I have heard of an activity where you set up a box and from time to time, write down qualities that you notice about your child. Some parents do this as a journal and at the end of each week, they talk about what the journal has to say. Children love hearing about themselves in such a way.
Watch the language. Take care not to use downing words with your child. When they hear them, that is all they hear, even though you may have thought what you had to say was helpful. Downing words are powerful destroyers of rational thinking.
When your child tells you that others have put them down, remind them that sticks and stones may break bones but they are fly-away words. Teach them to shut down when they hear such negative talk. Learning to shut down on such words reminds them that self-approval will not be interfered with by such talk. I am stronger than this!
Always keep in touch with your child’s teacher if your child is troubled by some downing at school. Teachers are very skilled at managing these issues which can become quite unsettling in classroom situations from time to time.
Listen to the conversations they have about self-acceptance. For example, if they feel they are useless because they failed a test, put it into perspective.‘OK, so this test you were not successful in but given how determined and capable you are, you can move on from this test’.

Here you are separating their sense of being worthwhile from a simple test.

When you spot examples of them talking about how they feel strong and competent, jump on it and reinforce the various aspects you notice that demonstrate their personal strength. Try not to use general words but rather be specific.‘You are so skilled in organising those games with your friends. So wonderful to be an organiser.”

In your day-to-day experiences, talk about how mistakes are natural. Just making a mistake is part of how we learn. It does not reflect who we are or suggest how vulnerable we are as people. At all times remind them that they are worthwhile and have much to offer the world.

‘The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.’
-Sylvia Plath