Helping the shy, less confident child
For some of our children, finding the confidence to speak up is a hard process. In fact, it can become quite a habit to sit back, observe others and have no expectations of putting yourself forward in a group situation. The confident, more dominant personality, will take centre stage and the quieter child will become the audience. There are some strategies you can use to help build a child’s stamina in this area.
Consider:
If you are a louder, more prominent personality, try to tone it down around your child. They will step back and not engage as effectively if they feel that you are taking over.
If there are other more confident siblings around, make sure that your quiet child gets their voice heard. Perhaps at dinner time, everyone takes turns to talk about their day.
Reassure with plenty of ‘I’ statements. ‘I like it when you tell me what happened.’ ‘I am so happy to hear that story.’ ‘Well done. That is a great idea. Tell me more.’
Choose your words carefully and avoid harsh criticism. This is such a setback for a less confident child. They remember all the negative words.
Giving them more independence builds their self-confidence. Start doing things for them but pull back and let them finish the tasks.
Exercise listening more to what they have to say. This will affirm their worth. Give excellent eye contact and undisturbed attention when they talk. Choose a special time on your own to have those chats.
Talking in front of groups can be difficult. Invite them to practise in front of the family, talk about their hobbies etc.
Joining extracurricular activities means they will need to engage with others. Being a team member means committing to collaboration and engagement with others. Learning an instrument means presenting in front of people. It all helps.
Encourage friendships. Having a friend requires effort and commitment.
Remember when you praise be specific. ‘I was so impressed with how you spoke to your friend who was upset. You were so sympathetic.’
Use open-ended questions. This gives them scope to answer expressively. ‘Tell me about the project?’ ‘What have you learnt at basketball training today?” We don’t want ‘yes, no’ answers.
Surprisingly shy children act out in plays very well. In fact, they enjoy taking on another character. Encourage joining a drama group or simply dress up and reenact fairy tales at home. Home can become a great uninhibited theatre for the whole family. Perhaps your child can act out what happened at school that day.
Reading stories out loud to the whole family is helpful. How about a family novel where each child reads a small section after dinner?
When you hear of some lack of confidence they display with regard to something at school, encourage them to set little goals to work on the issue. Then praise them for their efforts.
Set realistic expectations at home. They want to please you and if they succeed they feel so much more secure in themselves.
Play often with your child. This helps with building positive self-talk. They feel confident and happy to plough through the play and learn more about themselves.
Little by little your shy, less confident child can become quite a strong, capable personality over time. Slow, steady encouragement while at the same time respecting their emotional and social stage of development is the best way forward.
‘Believe you can and you’re halfway there.”
-Theodore Roosevelt