It's important for parents to stay calm and not get too angry too quickly. This helps in handling issues at home effectively. When parents get angry, children might not understand why and it can harm the parent-child relationship. It's best to manage anger by taking a break before addressing the problem, as this shows emotional control and helps maintain a positive relationship with your child.
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Read MoreA child is always on the go developing their sense of self-worth and building foundations that reassure them of their worthiness. They don't need to focus on others around them who are doing better or who perceive to be more successful. Read here for some suggestions to help you work with your child in offsetting unfortunate comparisons and how to build their self-esteem.
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We often hear that sticks and stones can break your bones but names can never hurt you. I wonder!
Children are very easily affected by words and negative words will often be the bread and butter of feeling bullied and less secure. Words that are used in haste by parents can also cause distress in children who are frequently seeking and needing your approval. Words that are damaging to a child can be hidden in sentences such as:
“What a silly thing to do.”
You may not have said directly that your child was silly but that is the word that sticks and to the child that is the accusation.
How about when we say:
“That’s a dumb thing to do,” in effect the child thinks that they are dumb.
Teachers are always watching their language to ensure that a child does not misinterpret their words. Once a child feels vulnerable as words have been used that intimidate them, the relationship is damaged. Often teachers quickly recognise that their language was damaging and so go into immediate mode to rectify the problem. Teachers will train themselves to avoid careless words.
Parents naturally speak with much incidental talk around and with their child. Little ears pick it all up and careless words can easily creep into conversations especially when we are disappointed.
“Watch out for the cord on the floor. It would be a silly thing to fall over it.”
Try saying:
“Watch out for the cord on the floor. It is dangerous.”
Avoiding the obvious damaging words is the safest route. Words such as “dumb, silly ridiculous, crazy, mad, etc”. Words that can have connotations that imply the child is incompetent can be damaging.
When working with children I tried to introduce some affirming words. For example:
“Thanks for closing the door quietly as it is an awful sound when it slams.”
It is amazing how the simple affirming positives can take away the edge in conversation. Such positives invite conversations that are not threatening.
Keep in mind the following thoughts:
Better conversation means the relationship is on a healthy path. There is more honesty when a child feels less threatened by negative words.
The use of negative words can mean that the child will shut down from the conversation.
If there is a pattern of using negative words when something goes wrong, will your child approach you?
When very upset allow some time to pass before bringing up the matter. Silence can be golden. It can reduce anger and ensure less damaging conversations will follow.
Finally, think about the times when negative words have been used on yourself. I am sure you will recognise that feeling of loss and frustration. Did the feeling change your opinion of the person speaking the words? How did you respond after the words were used?
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can be everlasting.”
Consider how we speak. How do we use our words? Are we quick to say things off the cuff or are we more precise and careful in how we speak? Our children hear not only what we have to say but how we say it. They quickly pick up the intonation and sense our mood, intent and temper in our conversations. This blog is to invite us to reflect a little more deeply on how we present ourselves to children through our words. Do we want them to see us a controlled person or one who speaks with thought and with judgement in how we speak?
No question about it, children will be attracted to the parent who speaks calmly and is approachable and not so quick to temper. These are parents who choose their words carefully.
Consider the following:
How we speak gives a message to our children about how we approach life. More words are not always better than less, more meaningful words.
We want our children to engage with us over many topics. The more controversial, the less likely they will approach someone who speaks quickly, jumps to conclusions and can be quick to respond with strong opinion. Even using highly articulate words can be intimidating to a young child. By them not understanding the words can more unsettling.
Remember, ‘Words once spoken can never be revoked.’ (Horaci 65-8BC)
The advice here is about realising the power and potential damage if words are used with intent to hurt. By stopping and thinking before speaking we put the relationship at less risk. This gives us time to choose words well.
People who demonstrate action over words are considered wise and rational people. Our children benefit from seeing this model in their parents.
Careless thoughtless words can be very influential in changing relationships for good. Going into damage control is never as effective as simply avoiding such words.
Teachers know the value of speaking well and using it to bring out the best in children. They know that careless talk changes the relationship by diminishing trust and teaching children becomes more difficult. They encourage children to think about what they want to say so that they get the best from the conversation.
As a principal, it was so important to speak with clarity, know my facts and think about the words that I was using so that a child would not misinterpret what I said. By doing this I was in a better situation to have a healthy, productive conversation.
It is such a powerful tool, the use of words. We are gifted with speech but should see it as a force to do good and to build relationships, especially with our children.
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”
Organisation is always a challenge for children as they grow. Also, as parents, some of us are less organised people in planning events etc. It’s just in our nature how we approach planning. This article tells us that planning can be learnt, which is so beneficial for children’s success in self-management. The earlier they value being a planner, the more they gain through being organised and in control of what they are doing.
Taking time to plan something well shows that a person is making choices about how they want to be in control of their actions. They come to understand that they will have more successful outcomes by being a planner. Planning well gives you a vision into what you are expecting as an outcome. To be productive is to plan well. For example, if you plan your trip well for the school holidays you feel reassured that it will be successful and that you have a clear understanding of what to expect. There are fewer unfortunate surprises.
There are developing skills in learning to plan well and children will get better at it and more accurate in their planning, reading situations better etc. as time goes. They will make mistakes but grow in confidence about sharpening the planning process.
Teachers know that planning their lessons well is the key to the quality of teaching. Without effective well-planned lessons, teachers easily lose control of the outcomes. They understand that the quality of their planning will impact a child’s learning.
Read here to help your child be a dedicated planner.
They are also keen to teach children the importance of planning and when assignments are on the agenda, teachers will spend considerable time with children discussing their plan. Sometimes pieces of work are marked on the quality of the planning demonstrated by a child.
When we teach our children to plan important events etc., they begin to value the process of planning as a way of managing their world and feel in control. They are setting the directions themselves. Once they feel the success of their planning, children will want more control of their actions.
Here are some thoughts on helping your child become a dedicated planner.
Demonstrate to your child how you plan for important events, occasions etc. Allow them to share in some of this planning. Is planning an important part of your work life?
There are various ways to plan and everyone develops their own style. Talk about what tools you use to help you plan. For example, are you someone who takes notes?
Do you plan your events on a computer? Do you revisit the plan?
What resources do you use in planning?
When your child talks about important events that they will participate in, talk about what plans they have in place to make it successful.
When planning we all need time for this and talk to your children about how much time they will give to the planning process.
Talk about successes you have had from careful planning. It is also worthwhile to talk about the trial and error in planning. This is also an important process we go through before discernment.
A wise person sees planning as a natural part of putting order and structure into their world. Teaching our children, the value of planning gives them an important tool in guiding their directions with personal satisfaction and confidence.
“‘Good teaching is more a giving of right questions than a giving of right answers.’
-Josef Albers”
School is such a great place for bringing out the best in children.
Each day teachers motivate, stimulate and drive children’s thirst for learning. They are experts at bringing out the best in the children as they know that within each child there is so much potential. The more they develop and ignite their gifts the greater learning will occur on so many levels.
How about home?
Do we recognise those great gifts and the potential of our children? Some potential is very obvious. If a child is good at Maths that is quite clear to everyone. However, there are many potentials that we need to bring out of our children and certainly, we need to recognise the more subtle potentiality that appears from time to time.
Here is a list upon which to reflect when highlighting and affirming potential gifts in our children:
Some of our child’s potential is very obvious. Some is not and we must recognise it and celebrate it.
Notice how your child treats others. Do they demonstrate a well-developed style of treating others with kindness and understanding? This shows the development of compassion and sensitivity.
Does your child have skill in engaging with all children and being inclusive in play? This is quite a gift and potentially shows leadership in a child. Great leaders are inclusive.
Is your child well organised and likes to set goals? Such a gift shows the potential of being a well-balanced and self-disciplined person.
Is your child a great listener to others? Such a gift leads to the potential of being an effective adult who listens with intent, patience and tolerance for other’s opinions.
Does your child show patience in a special way? Oh, what a gift is developing here. Such potential leads to a well-balanced person, tolerant and wise.
Is your child noticeably aware of others that are less advantaged? This shows that a child will potentially develop strong compassion and fairness in life.
These are some examples where your child can develop into a warm and caring person with substantial emotional maturity.
This article is about looking for the potential in your child to develop into a well-rounded human being. Think about all the subtle examples of your child’s behaviour to others and themselves.
To live to your full potential is all about using your gifts and greatness for the common good. Let’s encourage our children to see their potential as an opportunity to grow wisely and sensibly.
“Free the child’s potential and you will release them into the world.”
This is all about giving them gradual independence to manage themselves. As they grow in independence they will certainly come across situations where they are uncomfortable, exposed to failure and feel generally unsatisfied with their efforts. These are all-natural feelings. Sometimes as parents we think by taking the responsibility away from them, they will have less pain and besides what if they make a mistake? How will they feel?
As the child grows in independence, they also grow in taking on their own responsibility for things. This teaches them to own the situation. There is much satisfaction with a child when they start to take responsibility. This gives them a sense of self-worth and a feeling of growing up as a real person. There is nothing more enriching than having that feeling of making decisions yourself.
Our role as parents is to support this gradual development and watch with joy our young one taking on responsibility.
Teachers know that in order for children to learn effectively they need to take ownership of their learning. During the school day, teachers will provide situations where children will make informed decisions on what they learn and how they learn. At parent-teacher interviews, there is nothing more satisfying for a parent than to hear that their child is a responsible learner. This has come about by gradually learning to take risks and to make responsible choices for themselves.
Teachers know that success only comes from accepting responsibility.
You will be amazed how small opportunities to take on responsibility will increase self-esteem once they are successful in showing responsibility.
Consider the following thoughts to build stamina in your child with regard to taking on responsibility:
Consider your own life situation. Are you a person that models responsibility and ownership of situations? Talk to your child about why this has been important to you over the years.
Do you have a list of chores at home that your child must do as part of the family routine? Could these chores grow in responsibility as the child gets older and demonstrates their growing strength in this area?
If you are having a holiday, get your child involved in the planning and being responsible for certain duties. Perhaps they take ownership of packing their bags, researching venues etc.
Talk about the responsibility of doing tasks at school. We know that leadership develops in children who show strong skills in being responsible. School captains are chosen from those children who demonstrate strong skills in being responsible. Teachers frequently set up monitors in classrooms on a rotation basis giving children responsibilities to manage.
Talk about how you value your child’s growing awareness and interest in taking on responsibility. Take care not to rescue your child too soon after disaster strikes as this will only disengage your child from taking on responsibility. It also delays any further interest in being responsible.
For those children reticent to be independent, give them small opportunities to be independent. You will be amazed how this will grow once they are successful in showing responsibility.
We live in a world where the safety of our children is paramount and to this end, I can understand how we are cautious parents in giving them too much responsibility and independence early.
I would argue that with gradual responsibility being handed to them, they are stronger and more confident young people. They are more observant of life around them when being responsible for themselves. They confidently and intuitively show skill in navigating their way around difficult situations and are much happier in themselves being in control.
“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.”
Do we sometimes focus too much on the faults that we see around us? Children by nature of being children are frequently making mistakes from practical matters through to their fragile emotional growth. I say all hail faults! Have often do you hear your child say:
“It’s not my fault.” At an early age, a child struggles to own a fault.
The key here is to focus more on virtues and gifts that we see present in our children. We certainly teach our children to manage faults and we do this in a gentle and caring way. We teach them to manage their faults and we praise their efforts when they show improvement.
Now that school has resumed children are exposed to various learning situations that will challenge them both inside the classroom and outside. They begin to recognise through the support of teachers, that making mistakes is acceptable and that we learn to strengthen the fault line by practice, effort and determination. Their world in school will be a daily exercise of managing success and checking in when faults occur. Our job as parents is to support them by accepting that we all make mistakes and have faults that can be worked on with support and encouragement. Let us take out the negative undertone of the word, “fault” and see it as an opportunity to grow. I am inclined to replace the word with “mistakes”.
Consider the following thoughts:
Are you a person who tends to notice faults before you notice the best of the person? If this is the case keep reminding yourself that focussing on faults only exacerbates one’s feeling of failure or disappointment in someone else. It is not difficult to develop a negative mindset about someone if you just focus on their faults.
Talk about how you have been working on yourself to improve in some area. Perhaps your fault is never being on time. Talk to your child about what you are doing to improve in this area. It’s important to show the child that naming the fault is the first job in taking control. Once named it puts things into perspective.
When your child talks about how they are struggling to succeed in an area, talk about the times you have seen improvement. Build on the positive times when you did see improvement.
“I can see you are struggling with maths. I remember how you mastered the times tables last year. That was a great success”.
Remind your child that we all have faults. It’s part of the human condition. Many of our great achievers over time struggled with faults and worked hard by taking risks and working on improvement.
It’s all about developing the best disposition and owning those faulty areas in which improvement can take place if you so wish to work on them.
“I think people who have faults are a lot more interesting than people who are perfect.”
