Giving your child tools to defend themselves.

It is hard work sticking up for yourself as a little one on the yard or just simply feeling empowered when other children act inappropriately towards you. The following is about teaching your child, or a child in your care some simple “I” statements that give them a sense of control and that do not lead to unnecessary conflict.

Sit with your child and talk about the feelings they have often when things go wrong. They will come up with feelings like angry, upset, unhappy, frightened.

Simple words will help when your child is feeling feeling unsettled in any situation.

Then teach them how to use those words when feeling unsettled in any situation.  For example:

• "I am unhappy when you hit me."
• "I am angry when you take my book."
• "I am frightened when you shout at me."

You are teaching them to use the “I” followed by the feeling they have and the act that upsets them.

Practice this at home in any situation that may occur between siblings. When you see your child upset, discuss how to express it with an “I” statement. Firstly, find out what negative emotions they are experiencing.

By teaching them to express their feelings about someone else's behaviour you are giving them tools to manage their problems. This is a very healthy way for them to express their frustrations and it gives them more ownership of their unsettling emotions.

Of course, practice is necessary but once a child sees the value and feels successful, they will begin to automatically use this technique.

A picture is worth a thousand words

Sometimes younger children struggle to understand how to deal with a situation that can overwhelm them. This could be about finding friends or it could be trying to work out how to play with other children. One way to help a child is to simply draw the story. How best to play, for example. The first page shows the child meeting the friend. The second page may show them greeting the child and the third page could be about what to say such as, "can I play with you?".

The story unfolds through the simple pictures. Keep the pictures and story simple. We call this a social story and they work very well with children who cannot respond well to just being told what to do.  Some children do not process the problem easily through discussion.

I have used this with many a child and they love telling the story through the pictures. The child especially enjoys telling you how successful they were when they went through the process and followed the picture book. A social story can change if you find it needs a new direction. Children learn through visual images and when they are emotional about matters, pictures speak a thousand words. Simple drawings can say many unspoken words which gives the child a chance to express their feelings comfortably. To help a young child, the parents can draw their own social story to help the child understand the value of the pictures.

How can we help our children through a simple drawing?

On the subject of writing

Sometimes children find it difficult to express their feelings publicly.

Sometimes their feelings of sadness are hard to express.

Keep a large book at home where they can draw their feelings that they would like to discuss.

When you have discussed the feelings and they have been addressed, it is always fun to rip out the page together, screw up the paper, throw it away celebrating that we have really resolved that problem!

This works well with children from preschool to year six. The dramatising of destroying the paper is good therapy making the child feel better.

A little box with tricks inside

Parents often tell me that getting children to talk about their concerns is difficult. Some parents have found great success in using this idea.

Invite the child to decorate a small box, no bigger that a shoe box even smaller is a good idea. Ask them to decorate it in a way that expresses themselves. The child keeps the box in a special place in their room. When they feel they want to talk about a problem, suggest they write the problem down on paper and leave it in the box. At night, just before bed, when parents tuck them in ready to say goodnight, ask them would they like to discuss the content of the box.

Many children enjoy the mystery and privacy of such an activity. A parent can only read the content when invited. This seems to work well for all ages in a primary setting. Younger children might just draw pictures.