What’s in a smile?

There is much to be said for a smile. Mother Theresa was known to say, “Love begins with a smile”. 

Our body language often speaks to a child more than words. How we communicate is not just through speech but also through our physical demeanour and especially the expressions on our face, volume of voice and the tone of voice. A child is keen to read all messages that you give them. Especially, if there are concerns or wants, behavioural issues etc.

We hear quite a lot about mindfulness and the value of remaining calm and steady in crisis, however difficult this may seem. It is actually true. The calmer and more in control you are, the more likely a child will relate to you over matters that are more significant.

Of course, the human condition sometimes makes it difficult not to express feelings that are quite obvious. We all get tired and reactive at times. Generally, children sense when our capacity to cope is down.

When working with children, I would notice how quickly they would switch off if I appeared unsettled or changed the way I normally reacted to situations. They were excellent at reading the signs. Therefore, I needed to recognise in myself when I was not ready to chat to children and find the time to listen. They would also tell me that they would carefully read their parent’s body language before talking to them about matters that troubled them.

If a child feels secure in our presence and the body language that we use around them is consistent, warm and inviting, they will invite us into their world.

The tone of our voice, how we stand and listen, where we situate ourselves when talking, how we use our hands, the space we take in chatting, all of these are body language signs which send messages to a child. Remember, the physical difference between you and a small child. Try and sit when discussing matters to give them more security. Use warm eye contact and keep the voice calm and steady. All of these behaviours reassures a child that the lights are green and chatting is worthwhile.

Consider the following:

• If you feel that you cannot remain calm and steady then delay talking to your child over a matter to be discussed.

• Let your child know if you would prefer to talk at another time when you felt more relaxed or less distracted.

• Keep steady and avoid doing other tasks while talking. Be present for that moment.

• Ensure that when you are chatting choose a place that will not distract you from staying focused.

• Your regular modelling of being consistent when talking to people is noticed by your child.

• As with positive modelling in body language, ensure you use positive talk while engaging in conversation.

• Learn from being positive with body language and notice your own improvements with each occasion.

Smile a lot. A child needs reassurance that all is well with the world.

“Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm”

— Publilius Syrus

A child needs reassurance that all is well with the world.

Keep it cool. A calm, steady parent wins the day!

When your children tell you something that might be a surprise or even a shock, be cool about it. Show them that you are very interested in what they said and would like to learn more. You may be really in shock, especially if it's of a big nature. Children will talk more to us about their issues if they think parents are calm and will listen. If they see a reaction, they are more inclined to shut down or not tell us at all.

Keep chatting about what is on their mind. They look for our reaction throughout the conversation.

A friend told me that her son informed her that when he was younger and moved to a secondary school he was offered drugs on his very first day. The horrified mother said that had she known, she would have been up to that school and sorted it out very quickly. The son,  (now twenty one years of age) said "and that mum is why I never told you". I suspect that if her son felt his parents would work through the issue calmly, he may have told them.

Our children will talk to us about serious matters if they know we listen with understanding. We are better equipped then to show empathy and work through the problem together. So be cool when chatting about matters that can be serious. This way you respect what they have to say without making early judgements.

When children talked to me about matters concerning them in the school setting, I  would usually begin by saying, "It sounds like you have a problem. Thanks for talking to me". This sets the scene for a calm discussion. 

How can you encourage your child to discuss serious subjects?

Creating space can be a life saver

Teachers know this trick very well. They use it often throughout the school day

For them, it is all about the value of creating space when things get too heated in the classroom.

When you experience tension at home in dealing with issues or you can sense that eruptions are about to occur after a build up of tension between the child and yourself, or child to child, the best solution is to walk away from it and create some positive space.

This could be through a walk, a change of rooms, exercise etc. Getting outdoors is a great refresh button. It is all about creating psychological space so that the heightened tension drops down a  notch or too.

Don't underestimate the value of just resting from the tension. Teachers will often take their children outside for a run or a quick game to break the cycle and this certainly makes everyone more at ease. It is a simple solution as a stress buster but highly effective.

In Japan, it is quite common that office workers will stand from their seats, stretch and exercise on a regular basis to freshen their mindset and get their circulation going.

Creating this space means that when you get back to facing the issue, you are better equipped to handle the situation calmly and with reason.

 Just a simple break can lower the tension and raise positive vibes.

The benefits of a simple break can reaise positive vibes