How to motivate children to change behaviour.

Who wants to change their behaviour when you can’t find any reason to change? Think about your own situation. No amount of pressure motivates you to change your behaviour unless you see the value in the way, it affects you, it makes a difference etc. We are all motivated by change when it has relevance and serves a purpose that you understand.

How many times do you find yourself just repeating the same instructions to your child and your level of frustration continues to grow sometimes disproportionately to the situation?  Repeated requests or instructions to do something become less effective as time goes on. The child’s listening drops off and all sorts of distractions coincidentally get in the way for the child. No surprises there!

Here are some thoughts on how best to change behaviour that you believe is important to change:

• Always check in with yourself and establish if changing the behaviour is necessary. There are degrees of necessity. For example, do you want the child’s room cleaned straight away, dishes complete or something more substantial like cooperating to get to school on time.

• Remember that the child needs to value the change or at least see that the changed behaviour had an impact on you.

“I need help this morning in getting to school on time as I will then not be late for work. That makes me feel so much better.”

Notice here that you are letting them know that their support will have a positive impact on you. The child may after all have little motivation to get to school on time and so they are more inclined to cooperate if it makes a difference to you.

• Be clear in what you ask. Repeated instructions with increased agitation only cause shutdowns and major meltdowns on your part. If your child does not listen and change the behaviour, you will need to sit them down and approach the request from a different angle. Simply telling them how disappointed you are will not motive the change in behaviour.

• Take care not to expect a consistent change in behaviour. This then becomes more robotic. Children are after all human and when the child does respond to your request take care to thank them.

“Thanks for helping with your little brother. I have now more time to myself”.

• Consider how much change in behaviour you are seeking in any one day or in any one morning or afternoon block. Too much preoccupation in giving instructions loses its momentum after a while.

• Choose your language carefully and reflect on what you are asking them to do. Is the expectation too high? Are they in a frame of mind to manage the changed behaviour or are they preoccupied? Timing is everything and you want success rather than a feeling of your child not listening and responding.

• Keep in mind fatigue and their ability to listen on that occasion. Sometimes their readiness to change isn’t present. Therefore, how important is it to press the issue of change.

• Setting positive, repeated patterns is the best way to change behaviour. Therefore, affirm and acknowledge their efforts in supporting change regularly.

“Thanks for tidying the kitchen yesterday. Cooking is now so much easier”

In working with children, timing was a key factor in attempting to change behaviour. Teachers are always conscious to notice children spontaneously changing behaviour in the classroom and affirming it. It is given a great deal of attention in the class when a child shows real growth in changing what is seen as inappropriate behaviour.

Similarly, if your child recognises that they need to improve or change behaviour and they independently do it, that is a cause for celebration. A time to acknowledge how they thought about the impact they had on others. This is simply learning about empathy.

The more they develop an awareness of their impact on others, the more inclined they will be to spontaneously change behaviour. That is incredible personal growth and a raised awareness of caring for others. Something to be celebrated in the family.

As a parent it is worth highlighting to your child how others change behaviour for the betterment of those around them. Of course, modelling our own ability to change behaviour is a valuable lesson for the child.

“I always enjoy listening to my music, but it will wake the baby.”

Here we tell our child that I need to change my behaviour as it will have an impact on another.

“Fortunately most human behaviour is learnt observationally through modelling from others.”

—   Albert Bandura

It's just sibling business.

How often do you wonder when and if to interfere when siblings get angry with each other. Most parents try to settle the affairs with the best of intentions but sometimes, is it necessary to interfere?

Let us remind ourselves that all our children are significantly different in temperament, attitude to life, capacity to solve issues etc. No child develops in exactly the same way as each other.

Another compounding issue to create difference is the order of the sibling. Generally first children are more cautious, second children are more robust and by the time you get to third and fourth, they develop considerable survival and resilience skills, as parents treat them with considerable experience and more ease.

Teachers are always commenting on how different children in the same family learn and how they process information differently.

Here I say, let's celebrate the difference rather than feel the frustration of managing them!

When should we step into our children’s arguments and when shouldn’t we?

When they choose to fight consider the following:

• Is this issue worth my involvement?

• Is the conflict causing considerable distress to one of the children?

• Is there bullying of a younger sibling?

• Are their disagreements frequent or just occasional differences which are quite normal.

• Is it always about the same issue?

Once you establish whether you consider your involvement necessary, take care to:

• Talk to both children at separate times in a calm situation.

• Listen with fairness.

When the behaviour is understood suggest that some compromises should be made by both parties.

• Affirm the children for being prepared to calmly negotiate.

• Agree to check in later to see if that angry feeling still exists in some form.

By doing these steps you are further teaching the child, the art of negotiation without coming up with solutions yourself (these generally never work well!).

When working with children, I was very conscious to consider their individuality and not to refer to their siblings specifically. Every child needs to have that sense of personal space to discuss their own emotional needs and to feel valued for who they are as individuals. This would mean that how you supported that child could be quite different for their siblings

Sometimes anger in the family unit between siblings is all about seeking the upper hand with attention. Recognising and affirming their differences is the best way to overcome their feeling of inferiority in a family. It is quite natural for the child to have feelings of doubt and insecurity. Your task is to reassure and value them for who they are with all its uniqueness.

It is also a realistic fact that families are complex settings with growing children, edging for attention, busy parents listening on the run and busy school weeks with high demands throughout.

Here are a few checks to help keep the family setting as calm and steady as possible:

• Check in with the children once a week about issues that have caused them to be angry with each other.

• Applaud efforts where a child shows a strong ability to negotiate with another sibling.

• Play family games such as monopoly, pick up sticks etc.

• Take care not to react too quickly when angry scenes occur. Take your time and in a calm setting, start the conversation.

• Watch your communication with children ensuring that no one child is seen in a disadvantaged light to the other in the way you use language.

Above all, see the situation as resolvable and recognise that it will pass. Therefore, keep everything in proportion and move on from the situation quickly. Certainly, your child will move on quickly as all children generally do with unsettled sibling behaviour.

Setting realistic expectations.

How often do you find yourself feeling frustrated with your child because they did not listen to you? Perhaps you are feeling that they are just ignoring your directions and treating you indifferently. When a child’s behaviour indicates that they are not responding to your directions, it may be time to check in with your child to see if they understand your demands. Sometimes the problem lies in the instructions given, not the child’s response.

Keep in mind the age if your child. When a child is approximately five they are still developing the ability to interpret feelings such as happiness, sadness anger etc. If you are instructing a child of that age consider the following:

Do you feel like your children don’t listen to you?

• Keep your instructions down to one sentence. Maybe one or two simple directions.

“Put the milk on the table and pass the bread”.

Often children cannot process more than two instructions at that age.

• Check your tone of voice and speed of talking. Keep it even and non threatening as young children can easily switch off if feeling anxious.

It was quite common in school to hear a child say the teacher was yelling when in fact they had simply switched off to what was being said. It just became too hard for them to comprehend.

•  Use uncomplicated language. The simpler the better for young children.

•  Always talk with a sense of valuing the child and of being grateful.

“Thanks, can you put the glass on the table. It will help me clean up.”

If the child is older, their ability to reason is still developing slowly and in order to get the best response in setting expectations consider:

• Talk with clarity giving no mixed messages in the instructions.

• Take care to place no inuendo, sarcasm or adult humour in the instructions.

• Keep in mind the child’s ability to process several instructions at once. For some children improved processing takes some time.

• Always affirm when the instructions have been even attempted.

“Thanks for doing some of the dishes. I was hoping you could also put them away.”

• Be proactive. If you need to instruct your child, do it at the best possible time when there are least distractions around. Try using this sentence as a starter to get their attention:

“I need to ask you to do something for me OK……….”

It’s about preparing the ground and giving the child a chance to really hear the instructions.

• Where possible in the instructions, include some aspect of how it will make a difference to you:

“Can you please put the groceries in the fridge as this will save me time when preparing dinner.”

Take care that a fair and reasonable amount of instructions are given, age appropriate and within reason of their capabilities.

When working with children it was always important to reflect on their age and their known response to questioning.

Instructing children to do tasks brings with it some mild anxiety with some children especially younger ones as they are always wondering if their efforts will be correct, understood and most importantly valued. Some children are keen to please and will act quickly on your instructions. Others are slower and more protracted in following instructions. The key here is to know your child’s ability to respond, respecting the differences in your children.

Set a good example by demonstrating how you respond to directions, perhaps at work and talk about the challenges you sometimes find in them.

Remember, giving instructions should come with success for both parties. This sometimes may require some negotiation as well.

 And finally, it is never about using power to win the day.