It's just sibling business.
How often do you wonder when and if to interfere when siblings get angry with each other. Most parents try to settle the affairs with the best of intentions but sometimes, is it necessary to interfere?
Let us remind ourselves that all our children are significantly different in temperament, attitude to life, capacity to solve issues etc. No child develops in exactly the same way as each other.
Another compounding issue to create difference is the order of the sibling. Generally first children are more cautious, second children are more robust and by the time you get to third and fourth, they develop considerable survival and resilience skills, as parents treat them with considerable experience and more ease.
Teachers are always commenting on how different children in the same family learn and how they process information differently.
Here I say, let's celebrate the difference rather than feel the frustration of managing them!
When they choose to fight consider the following:
Is this issue worth my involvement?
Is the conflict causing considerable distress to one of the children?
Is there bullying of a younger sibling?
Are their disagreements frequent or just occasional differences which are quite normal.
Is it always about the same issue?
Once you establish whether you consider your involvement necessary, take care to:
Talk to both children at separate times in a calm situation.
Listen with fairness.
When the behaviour is understood suggest that some compromises should be made by both parties.
Affirm the children for being prepared to calmly negotiate.
Agree to check in later to see if that angry feeling still exists in some form.
By doing these steps you are further teaching the child, the art of negotiation without coming up with solutions yourself (these generally never work well!).
When working with children, I was very conscious to consider their individuality and not to refer to their siblings specifically. Every child needs to have that sense of personal space to discuss their own emotional needs and to feel valued for who they are as individuals. This would mean that how you supported that child could be quite different for their siblings
Sometimes anger in the family unit between siblings is all about seeking the upper hand with attention. Recognising and affirming their differences is the best way to overcome their feeling of inferiority in a family. It is quite natural for the child to have feelings of doubt and insecurity. Your task is to reassure and value them for who they are with all its uniqueness.
It is also a realistic fact that families are complex settings with growing children, edging for attention, busy parents listening on the run and busy school weeks with high demands throughout.
Here are a few checks to help keep the family setting as calm and steady as possible:
Check in with the children once a week about issues that have caused them to be angry with each other.
Applaud efforts where a child shows a strong ability to negotiate with another sibling.
Play family games such as monopoly, pick up sticks etc.
Take care not to react too quickly when angry scenes occur. Take your time and in a calm setting, start the conversation.
Watch your communication with children ensuring that no one child is seen in a disadvantaged light to the other in the way you use language.
Above all, see the situation as resolvable and recognise that it will pass. Therefore, keep everything in proportion and move on from the situation quickly. Certainly, your child will move on quickly as all children generally do with unsettled sibling behaviour.