How important is it to be the winner with your child?

Ever thought about your tolerance level compared to others? Perhaps you have noticed some people who have very high tolerance and seem unaware of behaviour that you would find unaccepting. Sometimes we feel that if we let issues get away from us, the child will be completely lost, out of control and unmanageable. They grow up with little accountability, responsibility, etc.

This article is to remind us that we can let go a little and still find great success in managing our children. I have often reflected on all the children that went through my schools. I was fortunate to keep in touch with many and therefore, I had the joy in watching the children grow to young adulthood. Despite the struggles of parents and ups and downs in the family, most children grew into wonderfully well-rounded adults. Perhaps you could say “tongue in cheek” despite their parents!

What I learnt is that sometimes we take everything in rearing our children so seriously. They know and read our values very well. They also see how we live with them and around others. They notice our moods and temperaments and will often connect with us, subject to the ease with which we are approachable.

Ever thought about your tolerance level compared to others?

Above all we need to set the scene, to allow our children to engage comfortably with us. Sometimes in our conversations we outline valid points, but most of the time we aim to negotiate so that they also feel the winner. There are no rewards in parenting for being right all the time and for insisting on having your way. That borders on control and use of power.

 Consider the following in rearing your child:

• Be patient and understand that each situation is not the end of the world. It will pass and there will be other occasions to discuss as time goes by.

• Put things into proportion. It is a child’s problem and should be understood in that context. It will definitely pass and be replaced by yet another situation.

• Consider the long haul. You will be in discussion and negotiation with your child for years to come. Make it an enjoyable process for both of you.

• Sometimes letting go of principles can be the best outcome. Holding on to old principles can sometimes drag both yourself and the child down. Check in with yourself to see if what you are holding onto is worth the anxiety. The world keeps changing. How you were reared and the expectations of the community are now quite different. The challenges your child faces are different.

• Take a positive outlook to negotiation with your child and remind yourself how privileged you are to have this opportunity with your child. Happily exchanging thoughts and ideas with your child is a precious part of being a parent. Savour the occasions. If it all gets too much, simply hand the negotiation over to the other parent or simply create space between the discussion and the outcome.

• Remind yourself that the child you are talking to now will be changing in the next few years. What does that mean for negotiations? It means that fairness and understanding should always prevail in conversation not matter what age the child is at the time.

Teachers who have the privilege of teaching children more that once across their primary life will often talk about how the child had grown in negotiating and responding to different situations. Nothing is static with children. Therefore, how we work with our children, play or negotiate should also be organic. It should shift according to circumstances, wellness etc.

Our children are slowly learning about the human condition. When they engage with us, we need to let them see how justice and reasonability prevail at any age.

“Reduce life to its essence. It is mostly loving that matters…and lasts           ”

—    Keep life simple therapy ……Linus Mundy

Fairness... innate in some children.

Do you have a child that gets quite upset when they see others not being fair or just? Some children become quite distressed if fairness is not followed through when incidences occur.

A chart can help an understanding of justice in a child's world.

At a very young age, some children have a very well developed sense of fairness which at times makes them isolated from other less developed children who display selfishness, break rules in games etc. This can be a difficult area for parents who in managing a family have to set rules which at times are adjusted to suit shifting demands.

Is it any wonder that children with a strong sense of justice become quite distressed when they see fairness break down and rules seem different for others?

I recommend firstly applauding the child for their mature sense of fairness and in fact read books where the heroes are children who win the day because of their sense of justice.

Draw up a chart where the child has the opportunity to rate the situation where they became angry due to unfairness. Give it a rating out of five. Talk it through with them explaining that other children are on a journey to get better at fairness. This gives the child a chance to tell you why it wasn't fair and together you suggest what could have happened to make it better.

This is a wonderful time to talk about how everyone's mind is developing and working towards getting better at fairness. Keep the chart somewhere visible and as each incident is discussed it may help them to understand how others are still working on building their understanding of fairness.

It is also a chance for you to tell your child how proud you are of their developed sense of fairness and tolerance to others. You could also invite the child to rate their distress at the incident in the hope that after a while they learn to lower their distress,

This is a tricky area given the shifting understandings of justice in a child's world. This activity helps to ease their anxiety and affirm their credibility.

Be a negotiator not a winner

Children need to be heard.

Sometimes this is tricky when they are asking for something which seems quite unreasonable.

Remember your childhood and when you wanted something that was important to you. Who were you more inclined to approach? The parent that had a black and white way of operating or the one that calmly listened. I'll bet it was the latter!

Children always gravitate around the parents who listen with interest and who don't dismiss them too quickly. The best approach is to listen with intent and then discuss why you have concerns about their request. If you can reach some compromise, so that a negotiation happens, the child feels that you have at least understood their needs and were prepared to compromise.

For example, if a child wants to go to a friend's place to play, do you agree that this could happen but only perhaps for a short time? This is considering their needs as well as your own.

If a child asks for an Ipad and this is quite unsuitable, explain your reasons and discuss when and how you would be prepared to consider it, sometime in the future.

It is all about creating a win/win. The child feels heard and valued. You feel that whilst you cannot comply with the whole request, there could be some aspects on which you are prepared to negotiate. 

Giving in to requests that do not suit you or simply saying no, without any thought behind the decision, creates dissatisfaction all round and the child has not began to learn the art of negotiation.

Better to keep in relationship with your child by showing them that you listen and where possible can negotiate.

Sometimes in my experience with negotiating with children, as they became more familiar with how to negotiate, they would be quite humorous and say with a smile,

"Can we renegotiate that Mrs Smith!"

Black and white doesn't win the battle

Being an effective listener and demonstrating justice in the eyes of your children

Many children have an over developed sense of justice when they are young. They simply cannot see how others get away with not following the rules! They can get quite upset and feel that they do the right thing and others do not. Often they have not yet developed strong social literacies and incitefulness. Also they may simply have a strong sense of justice and focus on what is right and wrong.

An excellent way to help them is to resolve matters using a process called restorative practice. This is commonly used in schools.

It can be done simply and it shows your children that you are listening to their concerns. Bring your siblings together and hear the concerns from each child. Then acknowledge that you understand that they have differences. Invite them to articulate what their needs are in this situation. Then invite them to agree on negotiating. This means that they both cannot get what they want but they can compromise on the matter at hand.

If this is an ongoing method used in families, the children soon begin to realise that this is how it works in your home. The children will begin to learn that deep listening and negotiation makes it a win/win for everyone. If they come to understand that this is the process used at home to solve issues they will want to use it so that they have been really heard.

When this method is used often to resolve conflict, the children learn to use the process themselves.

How can anyone argue with someone who listens and is prepared to negotiate. For a child who is heavily into justice, this is the best way forward.