Talk less, listen more next time when you are having a conversation with your children. Consider the following reasons why active listening is so important by Gail Smith.
Read MoreRead on for 6 parenting tips to be more positive by involving children, and lightening the idea of control and discipline.
Read MoreRead here for six simple ways to inspire your child to step outside their comfort zone.
Read MoreImpostor Syndrome can isolate you from engaging with others. It makes you doubt your worthiness. Read on for some tips to stop these feelings in your children.
Read MoreIt is well known that success breeds success and the more a child feels capable and experiences success they quickly build their confidence which feeds into more success. A child’s daily experiences can help build confidence and encourage further achievement if they are more likely to try new things.
Read MoreA child is always on the go developing their sense of self-worth and building foundations that reassure them of their worthiness. They don't need to focus on others around them who are doing better or who perceive to be more successful. Read here for some suggestions to help you work with your child in offsetting unfortunate comparisons and how to build their self-esteem.
Read MoreOur children need to be steadily building a strong belief in themselves. They will put themselves forward and receive some knockdowns but climbing the ladder of being strongly connected to the world will come with mounting strong self-belief.
Read MoreJust about every time I would argue! All of us need to hear that we can achieve and that we have capabilities in varied and different ways. Sometimes this can be in simple matters. Sometimes it can be in more detailed and complicated ways. What is the key is the importance of hearing from others that you have simply done well? Your efforts are noted.
Success breeds success. A child needs to feel that they can achieve and that others most especially the parents, recognise this fact.
Words are powerful tools in building a child’s stamina.
Saying often: “Well done” goes a long way in the mind of a child. It says you know what you are doing. You have been successful. The likelihood of repeating success is higher once the child hears that they can achieve. Never under estimate the value of a simple, “well done”.
Teachers are very skilled at building in what I call “success busters” in their day. They are careful to ensure that all children receive a balanced dose of success busters across the day. They notice the difference when a child feels less inclined to contribute, feeling that they are not valued. It becomes an automatic tool to teachers who know by experience that you catch more people with honey than sour words.
“Thanks for cleaning up the paint. You did it so quickly”
“You have put so much effort into your work. Well Done”
“How clever you are when it comes to reading stories out loud. You read with so much expression.”
Notice that the more you mention the specifics of why they have been successful, the more legitimate the affirmation. It shows that you really notice what has made them so successful in your eyes.
Words are powerful tools in building a child’s stamina and giving them emotional reassurance that they have something valuable to offer.
In supporting a child by using careful targeted, reassuring language the following actually occurs:
The child hears the words and finds satisfaction in the public announcement made to them and to others in earshot.
The child feeds off such reassurance and is more likely to respond with confidence.
The child is more likely to respond in positive ways to others. This is teaching them about thinking and acting positively. It is about teaching them by example that they are aware of people’s efforts.
In essence this article reminds us that building success comes from reassuring words and affirmation. It builds strong emotional foundations which are well needed when the negative and vulnerable times can become overpowering from time to time.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
So much of this modern technologically driven world is all about fast moving, immediate satisfaction and moving on quickly. Sometimes this flows on into other aspects of a child’s life - finding grit and sustaining the effort. Perseverance is a key word here and it is all about a child keeping on trying, having a go and showing determination to achieve a task. It is easy to say that this doesn’t suit me and so I will just move on to something else less arduous.
As a parent, it is valuable to talk about how rewarding it is to persevere and the process of doing something, carrying it through its stages, is really the success criteria. How often do our children see the value of just having go and being consistent in their efforts to achieve a tricky goal. The more we encourage them to stay motivated over difficult tasks, the better they grow in valuing their own capabilities.
Here are several strategies you can use to encourage staying power in your children.
I appreciate that this is not an easy task but there are several strategies you can teach them to keep up the staying power.
Talk about the staying power you need sometimes to complete a task. For example, have you started gym and find it difficult but you are determined to keep going top reap the benefits?
Perhaps you are studying at work. Talk about the rigour and effort you need to put into simply getting better. Put simply, no pain, no gain.
Talk about the success you feel personally when you go through the trials and difficulties of working at something.
If your child is involved in sporting activities such a swimming club etc., the effort to get better, increase fitness and performance can be quite demanding. Talk about how the child feels after they succeed.
Set simple goals with your child.
“I know you are keen to get better at Maths. Let’s put an extra twenty minutes into learning maths at the end of every day.”
Once goals are set and achieved, talk about the process and how putting effort into the process had such successful outcomes.
In working with children who were reluctant to push themselves, we would start by talking about people they knew that were successful, especially their heroes. We talked about how they got to be so successful and focussed on the great efforts and sacrifice they made to achieve their goals. We then talked about simple tasks that the child achieved with some effort. It was about building on small strengths.
Teachers are very skilled at building on small achievements with children. They affirm regularly and celebrate when the child takes that extra leap with effort. For a parent, it is about being alert to any staying power that the child demonstrates and affirming the effort. Keep in mind here that we are not always affirming the result, but the progressive effort and endurance shown by the child.
As humans, we are very in tune with avoiding the hard yards and sometimes choosing the easier route. Demonstrate to the child that sometimes going that extra distance gives tenfold results. Act as a coach and give guidance not direction or instructions.
“Great effort. So, you think that in a week you will be able to speed up on your spelling test. What will you do to achieve this goal?”
Here you are listening to their desire to improve and supporting them with some guidelines for small improvements.
Helping the child increase their staying power is about strengthening their self-resolve.
“It always seems impossible until it is done.”
A big issue for children at any age is to find a friend. I would also add to this that sustaining friends can be difficult for some children. Once a child feels vulnerable and struggles to settle into a friendship, they often manifest behaviour which can be quite unattractive to other children generally in the form of attention seeking, sulking etc.
Once a child is at peace with themselves, they will naturally attract others. Often parents come up with all sorts of suggestions to their child about how to make a friend, most fail as this is not the way to attract others to you.
A parent can help by simply supporting the child to notice and enjoy their own person.
For example, when you notice a strength of your child, talk about it.
When you see them being joyous and happy comment on how attractive they are when they smile.
Every time you notice how positive others are to your child, comment.
“It looks like Jenny likes the way you pass the ball in basketball”
“Did you notice how Josh smiles at you when you told that joke”.
Here you are simply encouraging them to reflect on their behaviour and the impact it has on others.
In working with children, I would sometimes encourage children to write down something that they like about another child. When that child read what was written about them, it had quite an impact recognising how they were valued.
Some children develop very early the art of establishing friends. One could say it almost comes naturally to them. The truth is that others like their steady, calm style.
However, most children have to work at building friendships, slowly and steadily and many go through the pain of losing them and having to re-establish themselves. This is quite normal and over time most develop sound strategies in building lasting relationships after much trial and error.
As a parent, your role is to raise their awareness of how capable they are in various areas especially social areas. I know of several parents who have a regular activity of writing down noticeable behaviours of their children that are very favourable especially when they interact with others.
For example:
“ I noticed how happy Jack was when you helped him with his Lego set.”
As the child grows more in personal self-confidence and emotional maturity, they will naturally attract others. They will learn the important rule that relationships work well when you value the other person.
Never underestimate how they observe your relationships with friends.
It is all about watch and learn from parents!
It’s important a child is at peace with themselves so that they will naturally attract others.
It is quite natural to doubt yourself. However, with children it is all about building their self confidence and capacity to have a go at whatever challenges them. This is an important part of parent’s work, to reassure our children that they are capable beings and can develop the skills to rise above fears and doubts. We help them in many ways by reassuring them and praising them when successful.
Whilst all of our encouragement is helpful and has value, it is also about giving children strategies to use when they feel doubtful. After all, we can reassure our child that they are capable but what is better is to teach them how to manage doubtful feelings once they recognise they have them.
When you own the responsibility of taking control of your own feelings, you are more successful at managing them. It also brings greater satisfaction in the long run.
When a child has doubts about their capabilities in some area remind them that doubtful feelings is normal and that there are several ways to get on top of those feelings.
Firstly, ask the child to openly talk about their doubt. This is about bringing it out in the open for discussion.
“I don’t think I can pass that test. It will be too hard.”
Ask them to give the doubt feeling a number out of ten. Then talk about times when the child has had success and passed similar tests.
Now set a goal that is attainable…for example:
“I will try to do my best so that I have had a go just like everybody else.”.
The goal is to get them to think about achieving part of the goal. After the test check in to see how the goal went and ask what number they would now give themselves in doubting themselves.
Another example is when a child thinks they cannot run well in a race.
What number do they give the doubt?
Set a small goal.
“I will try my best and just get to the end.”
It‘s all about setting small goals that help them begin to break down the doubt.
Always remember to check in after they have worked to their goal. This is the time to reflect on how successful they were in managing the doubt.
In working with children, it was quite common to discuss the degree of doubt they had and then set a small goal to chip away at the lack of confidence. It was always important to come back together and celebrate the child’s achievements, no matter how small.
Whilst we praise and reassure our children of their capabilities, the more we teach them to manage their doubts, the better equipped they are to cope independently.
“Successful people have fears.
Successful people have doubts and successful people have worries.
They just don’t let these feelings stop them.”
T Harv Eker.
It is quite natural to doubt yourself! However, with children it is all about building their self confidence
Let’s face it, the more we feel stronger and confident in ourselves, the greater capacity we have to be successful and most importantly, like ourselves.
The best way to have success is to recognise that we do have strengths and that these are special highlights of our ability to cope. We also have low-lights that we need to work on. Recognising our low-lights should be seen as growth curves where we need to keep on working towards improvement.
For a child, dealing with emotions, regulating emotions is hard work. It is always best to start by focusing on strengths that are visible, repetitive and which give the child a feeling of success. This could be anything from being able to pack up their toys at an early age, through to having an aptitude for Maths.
The best way to affirm is to acknowledge the actual presence of strength in what they do or say.
For example:
“I really like the way you write in your book. You have a neat and very attractive style of writing. This shows me how skilled you are in this area.”
Notice that the emphasis is on being specific in relation to the skill that you have noticed. When it is repeated:
“Once again you show me how well you can write. I will ask you to write down the grocery list. This will be a help to me.”
It is also about utilising the skill and demonstrating how such a skill can cross over and be useful on different levels. This teaches the child that they have very capable skills which impact on others.
“You tidy the toys so well. I hope you will help me tidy my room it is such a mess”.
By giving them the awareness that their strengths are useful, they will begin to develop stronger relationships and will find their own application for their skills.
Whilst working with one child, who lacked some personal confidence, especially in school work, we all recognised how strong he was in sport. He was asked to help the younger children develop their games and this gave him personal pride and led to his improved overall self esteem.
Strengths are a wonderful building block upon which children grow on so many levels not the least of which is self awareness. The more self aware we become, the greater capacity we have to manage and value our strengths. It also helps us put our vulnerabilities in a better, more manageable perspective.
The best way to affirm your child’s strength is to acknowledge the actual presence of strength in what they do or say.
How different we all are in so many varied ways. Sometimes, we look at the order of our children to gain insight into understanding their personality. Generally, we can detect certain patterns that are common to first children, generally more conservative, the second child usually more robust and a risk taker. It is not uncommon to hear parents comment on how different their children are and yet the upbringing is the same for all.
The reason is simple. Each child is different and their growth will be unique. Parenting should reflect that each child will have different needs that should be addressed.
In order for each child to be themselves, they will need their own time and space to just simply be themselves. This can be a challenge for parents who sometimes struggle to understand how each child responds differently to the family structure, especially rules and regulations. Rather than being frustrated about this, turn it into a positive. Aren't we lucky to have such variation in our children.
Each child has needs that challenge us to work with them differently. It also challenges ourselves in how we parent. Some children are quite and more reserved, some children are very vocal and demanding. The variations go on indefinitely.
The key is for parents to keep in mind:
Every child is unique.
Sometimes this may mean how I work with the child will be different.
I understand that whilst I give equal time to my children, it is natural that some children may demand more. This can be frustrating but is necessary given their individual needs.
I recognise that listening to my children will be different for each child.
I will need to cater for individual differences and see them as a gift in each child.
I will need to take care that quieter, less open children will need to be drawn out more in conversation. Still, I respect their quiet nature.
Sometimes as a family we need to do collective activities. It is however, important to check in with each child as to how they are engaging with family matters.
I need to be careful in using language that does not indicate competition between children.
Each child will have their own set of strengths that need to be celebrated. There is no need to have all my children achieving and successful in the same way. From time to time, some children will shine more than others. This is normal practice in an energised family.
We look for tendencies in our children that remind us of ourselves. Take care that we do not highlight aspects of a child that are not seen favourably by everyone.
Take care not to label a child with a particular characteristics. As they grow, especially into teenagers, their personality will keep evolving overtime and with this may come significant changes.
Given that each child is an individual, be open to surprises with them and relish the little changes that appear from time to time.
When working with children, I was amazed by how insightful children were regarding their parent's perception of them. I soon realised in working with children that their sensitivity to their parent's perception of themselves impacted on how they operated around their parents.
We need to have an open mind and heart to the beauty of the individual child during their precious time of growth. We need to see their individual changes, no matter how varied and uniquely different as another step in becoming a well rounded young adult.
Every child is unique.
Sometimes the days pass with regularity and we rise to meet various expectations. We are so busy just getting through the week and ensuring that we have ticked off all that we need to do especially with regard to children's activities after school etc.
What this article is about is quintessentially to search out the opportunities in the ordinary nature of the day to affirm and acknowledge your child's efforts in many and varied areas, big and small. Incidental praise is very much positive reinforcement intermittently and can be quite powerful and effective in building the child's emotional well being. It is all about the element of surprise. The more you do it, the more realised will become the child's behaviour.
“Well done. You certainly know how well to unpack the groceries. I can start the dinner now.”
“I love the way you play with your younger brother. You are so gentle and understanding.”
In this way we identify unrealised strengths in so many areas. Note that this positive talk is quite specific and outlines why you are pleased, grateful or simply happy with their performance.
The more specific you are, the more genuine sounding is the statement. It also tells the child that their behaviour has had an impact on someone else.
“I really love the way you clean your room. Everything is put back in its right spot and I can walk around the room easily.”
Searching out opportunities is all about noticing occasions when your child spontaneously shows strengths in behaviours which sometimes we just take for granted. I am a great advocate of seizing the moment especially when they demonstrate gratitude, empathy to others or behaviour demonstrating an unselfish nature. This is all about strengthening their emotional literacies.
In the school setting, it is often a feature of the teacher's work. That is to spot the positive behaviour which impacts on others. After all, teachers model such behaviour themselves to the children all day.
Across the day, simply notice those times when your child demonstrates behaviour that does make a difference to those around them. Surprise them with positive recognition. This is optimising their growth. This is positive feedback.
It also helps the child realise so many of the ordinary things that they do, are actually done well
Praising children helps them to realise so many of the ordinary things that they do, are actually done well.
This might seem a strange topic? Especially as you will say that I always show my child the confidence I have in them at all times. Our children carefully read messages that we give them both directly and indirectly. They are always looking for that special reassurance from their parents. They are keen to gain approval and the more they understand and appreciate your style of affirming them, the better.
With all of this in mind, this article is alerting us to be consistent and clear in the way we show them how confident we are in them.
Here are a few thoughts on the matter.
Use the same words often.
“I am really confident in your ability to do your very best”
After giving such a message ensure the follow up is equally as valid and does not drop intent.
“Great effort today. I could see how much effort you put into it.”
Always keep the same thread running through your conversations, especially with regard to showing confidence in their efforts. Take care that if you are making some comments about improvement, it still needs to demonstrate to the child that you are confident of their ability to have ago. This confidence has in no way been compromised.
Areas in which parents can often fall down here is when they comment on sport. Children need encouragement and they need to feel that their best was recognised by the parent. Take care not to subtly imply that you expected more from them or that you were proud of them but extra effort would have been better. When subtle, negative messages are put into such sentences, the child generally just hears the subtle criticism and so the affirmation has very little value.
I appreciate that this sounds complicated but it actually means that showing confidence in a child is simply and exactly that! You say and demonstrate consistently that you have confidence in their efforts and abilities. You understand that improvement is always part of the process. I have seen in working with children that by demonstrating absolute, uncomplicated confidence in a child, improvement naturally occurs.
The child who feels that parents have confidence in them, naturally take ownership of their own improvements. After all, if their parents are confident in them, everything is possible.
“The way you speak to your children, is the single greatest factor in shaping their personalities and self discipline.”
The child who feels that parents have confidence in them, naturally take ownership of their own improvements. After all, if their parents are confident in them, everything is possible.
I have often said that one could write a PHD on the following. In my office my feelings chart is used quite often. The one feeling children always talk about is the feeling of “being proud”.
When this is examined, it is about the child feeling that their actions are not giving the parents a feeling that they are proud of them.
This may seem strange as we think that we reinforce them often. This is sometimes why children are reluctant to “have a go”. Will they fail and what will people think then?
A good response to this is to simply to remind them often of the things that make you proud.
“I am so proud of your efforts at school”.
“I am proud that you had a go at something hard.”
Even though we acknowledge their efforts they are always checking in with us as to whether they are valued. Using the word proud has high value in their minds.
