How to deal with outbursts of anger.
Let’s consider the age of the child for this matter. Younger children when they have fits of rage are often expressing disappointments etc. with very little language and so, to them, having a full-on outburst is their way of sending out very loud messages that their needs are not being met. When such an outburst occurs and it is a high one, there is little you can do at the time, other than keep the child safe and wait! Sounds useless but once a child is in an uncontrollable state no logic, nor reasonable conversation will be heard. The child is simply zoned out. Their emotions have taken over and they are not capable of responding to your pleas. When they have calmed down and you feel that they are more in control, than that is the time to simply say:
‘You have been so upset; something is making you feel that way.’
Gentle conversation and listening to their concerns are now the best time to discuss what happened. Keep in mind with some children, they may not fully understand how unsettled they became during the crisis and they may need some emotional chill out time to really calm down. Common practice at school when a child was out of control was to keep them safe in a room and simply wait until they calmed down. Teachers know that high order emotions are not a time to discuss problems.
When older children have an outburst of anger, care must be taken to ensure they are safe. This is always the first priority. Once again whilst they are in a severely distressed state, there is little you can do, except be patient. Offer no criticism, just reassuring words. Accept that this is not a time to talk about the problem. Allow time for the child to calm down and take care even then about discussing the matter at hand. Some parents may choose to say:
‘Something has really upset you and when you feel ready, I would like to talk to you about it.’
Remember the following important points when there are serious outbursts of anger.
Time out to calm down is the best and most effective response.
When you talk to your child later about the outburst, keep in mind that they may not actually think the outburst was such a problem. When you are out of control, you are not aware on what is disturbed and unsettled around you.
You may be quite upset about the outburst. You may also be angry that the outburst was such a disturbance. Take care not to be carrying any of this hostility around when talking about the outburst. Choose your time well.
Once the outburst is over, you may find your child quite tired as a lot of energy goes into these outbursts. Be prepared to allow some time for your child to mentally rest from the experience.
An outburst, depending on the age of the child, can be about a little matter, but it could also be about a matter that they simply cannot resolve any other way. When talking about the outburst, take care not to understate the importance to the child.
Often with young children, they cannot express themselves well. Their language and ability to process thoughts are limited and so the outburst is one way of drawing attention to themselves. Take care not to be too disciplinarian about the outburst as it is for them a means of expressing themselves. Older children, who use outbursts, are more a concern as generally, they choose to be emotional in a public way, rather than use language and other means to help them. Such children need careful support to strengthen their ability to communicate their messages better.
Keep in mind that if you demonstrate in your own life that outbursts are your way of coping with stress, you are telling your child that this behaviour is acceptable.
Above all, keep in mind that outbursts are about sending us a message of being unhappy. Our parental job is to gently decipher the problem after the outbursts have passed when we observe that the child is in a better space to listen. This of course may be more about their time rather than ours. Patience is needed.
“The kids who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways.”